Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Signs Found In The Kitchen
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So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your
standards.

Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down,
converse.

It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even
worse.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is
delirious.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they
shall never cease to be amused.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and
gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending
machines.

I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a
speed bump.

Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess.

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Scientific Fact
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Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the
frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses
and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed
ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

Preosllnay I tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese......

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Bike
-------------------------

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied,
"My bike."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Epitaphs for a Halloween gravestone......
-------------------------

Come And Visit Often

Pardon Me For Not Getting Up - I Feel Like Lying Down

Gone Fishing - Permanently

Don't Come In Yet - Wait Til Later

Now Is Not The Time To Ask Me Again

There Is Always Lots Of Room Here

If You Can't Say Anything Nice About Me Then Leave

Forever A Mess I Must Confess

In The Beginning I Was Small, Now I Am Nothing At All

If You Can't Beat 'Em, You'll Join Them Here

The Only Regrets I Have Are Those Things I Didn't Do

Time Waits For No One But I Wouldn't Have Minded A Bit Of A Delay

I Never Claimed To Know Anything, So Why Am I Here?

I wasn't Always Like This

I Never Asked For The Lights To Dim

Wishing You Were Here

Sad As It Is, I'll Never Yell At You Again

Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange.

I was somebody. Who, is no business Of yours.

As the flowers are all made sweeter by the sunshine and the dew, So this old world is made brighter by the lives Of folks like you. -- Bonnie Parker (Bonnie and Clyde)

John Brown is filling his last cavity. -- Dentist's Tombstone

I told you that I was sick! -- Georgia Cemetary, USA

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake; Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. -- Pennsylvania Tombstone, USA

Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I, As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me. -- Tombstone in England

To follow you I'll not consent, Until I know which way you went. -- Written on the tombstone in reply to one above

The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. -- England Tombstone

Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod; Pease shelled out and went to God. -- Massachusetts Tombstone

Gone away, Owin' more than he could pay. -- England

Alien tears will fill for him; Pity's long-broken ern. For his mourners will be outcast men, And outcasts always mourn. -- Oscar Wilde's Tombstone

It was a Cough That carried him Off,It was a Coffin They Carried him Off In

"The defense rests"

Here lies Johnny Yeast, Pardon me For not rising.

Auctioneer:Going! Going!! Gone!!!

Effie Jean Robinson: Come blooming youths, as you pass by , And on these lines do cast an eye. As you are now, so once was I; As I am now, so must you be; Prepare for death and follow me.
Upon which someone scribbled: To follow you I am not content, How do I know Which way you went.

Bill Blake Was hanged by mistake.

Here lays Butch, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw.

I would rather be here than in Texas.

Here lies the body Of Margaret Bent She kicked up her heels, And away she went.

Here he lies, James T. Carson, He blew up his wife, and was hung for arson.

Here lies the body of John Round: Lost at sea, and never found.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Tennis Ball
-------------------------

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A Blonde Girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the Blonde Girl sympathetically, "That must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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I'm A Pilot
-------------------------

The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he would
personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of
our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base
that would be opened and that all eligible young men and
women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new M-1
Battle Tank, a pair of twin well built, neatly kept brothers
who looked like they had just stepped off an Army Corps
recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff
walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced
himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what
skills can you bring to the best Army in the world?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says,
"Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything,
do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks
at the second young man and asked, "What skills can you
bring to this man's Army?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers
in the Army, what else do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me,
we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century and
our battles are fought with our minds as much as with our
bodies!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Duh! I have to
friggin' *chop* it before he can pile it!"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Ladies Room
-------------------------

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard
which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with
both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks,
running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is
there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in
the ladies room."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives
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1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get
another dog??

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think
it's interesting..

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Greeks vs. Italians
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A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the
superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians."

The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."

..and so on and so on ...and then the Greek says: "We invented sex."

The Italian says, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it
to women...

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Tourists
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Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Headache
-------------------------

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."

The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."

Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."

Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."

Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."

The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."

Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."

The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."

Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."

The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size
32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base
of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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25 Signs You've Grown Up:
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Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next
door won't turn down the stereo.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning
of one.

Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.

You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never
going to drink that much again."

90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
work.

You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a
bar.

You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you!!!

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Ole Blue
-------------------------

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way
through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his
parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't
believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why,
they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole
Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in
that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him
into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls
his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe
this they've had such good results with this program that they've
implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him
in that program? "

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the
money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will
find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all
excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read
something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back
in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he
turned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with that
little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks
to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Goat
-------------------------

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday
dinner.

While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the
minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you
sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as
well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Marriage and Haunting
-------------------------

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down......."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Walking Through Chinatown
-------------------------

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, Hans Olaffsen's Laundry.
Hans Olaffsen?, he muses. How in the world that name fits in here? So he decides to walk into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's
Laundry?

The old man answers, Is name of owner.

The tourist asks, Well, who and where is the owner?

Me...is right here,replies the old man.

You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?

Is simple, says the old man.Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, What your name? He say, Hans Olaffsen. Then she look at me and go, What your name?

I say... Sem Ting.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Canadian Tourism Website
-------------------------

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism
website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.

Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only six thousand km, take lots of water. . .

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)!
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places
to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a
list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary.
Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays
every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight
after the hippo races.
Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You are an American politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be
safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Screwed
-------------------------

A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?"

She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter."

He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What law firm are you with?"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Taxiway
-------------------------

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to
nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at
the U.S. Air crew, screaming: "U.S. Air 2771, where the hell are you going?

I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, U.S. Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Retirement Center
-------------------------

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
You Know You're in California When...
-------------------------

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.

You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on
a conversation in English.

Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring,
and is named Breeze.

You can't remember...is pot illegal?

You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian

You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

You can't remember.....is pot illegal?

A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.
You don't even notice.

Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the
baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS
George Clooney.

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who
delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

You can't remember...is pot illegal?

It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station
about "STORM WATCH."

You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy

Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.

You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cell phones or pagers.

It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

Both you AND your dog have therapists.

You can't remember...... is pot illegal???????

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Red Face
-------------------------

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Robins
-------------------------

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"OK," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Painting a Couple of Rooms
-------------------------

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st October, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st October, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Good Advice
-------------------------

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was on 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.

"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

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