Saturday, July 9, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Deer Camp
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The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him
the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you?

He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him
all night. '

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all
standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'

He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof
with his snoring. I watched him all night .'

The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly
ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy
tailed. ' Good morning,' he said.

They couldn't believe it!
They said, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob
into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
Bob sat up and watched me all night.'


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Friday, July 8, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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What a Woman Really Wants
-------------------------

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death.

The question? . . . What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with every one, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice, compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered . . . is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half-the-time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day . . . or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT . . . make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now . . . what is the moral to this story?

The moral is . . .

If you don't let a woman have her own way . . .

Things are going to get ugly!


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Thursday, July 7, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Who Am I?
-------------------------

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

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-------------------------

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Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Good Advice from Maxine
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People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.


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-------------------------

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Sunday, July 3, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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New Las Vegas Slogans
-------------------------

"What Happens Here, Stays Here" is getting old, so a contest is being
held for new slogans. Here are the leading contenders:

1) Las Vegas: Better than Detroit (Actually, this works for any city.)

2) It's The Gambling, Stupid

3) You're Broke, Hung Over and Pissed. Now Go Home

4) Where Luck Goes to Die

5) More Than Thirty Million Schmucks a Year Can't Be Wrong

6) We've Got What It Takes To Take What You've Got


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-------------------------

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Saturday, July 2, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Drive-Thru Confessional
-------------------------

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the
balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that.

But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.

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-------------------------

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Friday, July 1, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Gas Can
-------------------------

A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity
Hospital when her car suddenly runs out of gas. Luckily, she was only a
block and a half from a gas station, so she got out of her car and
quickly walked there.

At the station, she asked the attendent to give her a quart of gasoline
so that she could start her car and drive it over to fill it up. The
attendent told her that he only had one gas can, and he just loaned it
to someone else.


She told the attendent that she was in a hurry and would look in her
car to find something to hold the gas. When she got back the the car, the
only suitable container she found was a bedpan, which looked like it could
easily hold a quart of gas.


She brought the bedpan to the station and the attendent filled it with
gas. The nun got back to her car and started to pour the gas from the
bedpan into her car.


Just as she started pouring, two men walked by. One of the men said to
the other "If that car starts, I'm converting to catholicism forever!"


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Gem Depot
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to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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