Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th August, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th August, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Ponderisms
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1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

3· Life is sexually transmitted.

4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it Normal .

11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever Comes out'?

13· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

14· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

15· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

17· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

18· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

19· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

20· Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th August, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th August, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Daddy, How Was I Born?
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A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room onYahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googledeach other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You got Male!

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th August, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th August, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Honeymoon is Over
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You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start.

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like
Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's'
new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like
and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama
call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between
Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers,
and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman

Q: What was the most positive result of
the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper
stickers off the road.
--David Letterman

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th August, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th August, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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8 Iron
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One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd August, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd August, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Piss And Moan
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An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when
it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The
telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog
or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain
and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number
was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning!

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd August, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd August, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Too Sick to Work
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Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st August, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st August, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Sunburn
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A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy
with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt
raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor, "Is there
anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?"

So the doctor says, "Yes, I'll prescribe you some Viagra".

"Viagra?" says the poor guy. "How will that help my sunburn?".

"It won't help your sunburn much" says the doctor, "but at least it'll
keep the sheets off it!"

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