Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th August, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th August, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Olympic Wrestling
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A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the
Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's
trainer came to him and said, "now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's
never lost a match because of this 'Pretzel' hold he has, whatever
you do don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're
finished!"

The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each
other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the
Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried
his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch
the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer
raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in
the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the
match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler
alone, he asked, "how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has
ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered,"well, I was ready to give up when he got me
in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this
pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last
ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

"So, the trainer exclaimed, 'that is what finished him off?!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your
own balls.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th August, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th August, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Morning Sickness
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The neighbour dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the
kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her
three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

"What's wrong Marge ?" she asked.

Marge told her that she had "morning sickness."

Surprised, the neighbour said, "I didn't even know you were
pregnant!"

"I'm not." the harried young woman replied. "I'm just damn sick
of mornings."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th August, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th August, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Anaconda Attacks
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This is true !! It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you.
Excerpt is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for volunteers working in the Amazon Jungle.

Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake species in the world. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs 300 to 400 pounds.

1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.

2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.

3. Tuck your chin in.

4. The snake will begin to nudge and climb over your body.

5. Do not panic.

6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet end - always from the feet end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic!

7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.

8. When the snake has reached your knees, slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.

9. Be sure you have your knife.

10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th August, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th August, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Golf Confessional
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A man goes to the confessional.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I
feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going
to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the
fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about
100yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes
and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.

"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle
came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to
fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.

"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in
his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of
forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some
bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the
green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

"You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th August, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th August, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Park Bench
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Two elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench on
North Avenue. After a while, one said, "By the way, George,
how's your wife?"

"I think she's dead."

"What do you mean, you think she dead?"

"Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th August, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th August, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Cracking The Human Resource Code
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"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
Most of our competitors don't pay much either.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
You'll be here very late, very often -- might as well be comfortable.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
Your first four projects are already way overdue.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Did we mention that you'll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female applicants must be childless.

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executive's nephew.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
Due to consolidation, you'll be replacing three people.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
This company is a total mess.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Listen to management, figure out what they want, don't ask too many questions and get the sh*t done.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th August, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th August, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Perks of being 50+
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1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without $ex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You stop trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

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