Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd August, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd August, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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5 Rules
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1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemies but remember their name.

3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk!

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st August, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st August, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Blood
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.

Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Because your feet aren't empty."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th August, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th August, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Not Afraid
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A few minutes before the church services started, the
congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to
get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was
empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly
in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the
fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know
who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked
Satan.

Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man,
in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying
agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't
you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for
48 years.'

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th August, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th August, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die.
To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said,

"I want the men to make two lines.

One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there
were two lines.

The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women,
there was only one man.

God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all
whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!

Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th August, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th August, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Recession is Having an Impact on Everyone
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My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th August, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th August, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Blonde Burglary
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Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th August, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th August, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Shingles
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Bubba had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles...' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

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