Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Job Application
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This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Tourists
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Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Ole' Shep
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One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullsh*t and brilliance only come with age and experience.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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New Car
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A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to
California.

Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and
fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the
high octane pump.

"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test,"
replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking
the car up and down.

"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."

"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy is
a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.

"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering,
power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD
player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and
pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument
package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!"

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into
his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change
are a few golf tees.

"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.

"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Guess Who
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Two male friends are out golfing one Saturday
afternoon. After finishing one hole, they wait
for the two women who are ahead of them at the
next hole to finish. They wait a few minutes,
but soon get irritated at the amount of time
the women are taking to play the hole.

One of the men decides that enough is enough.
He tells his friend, "I'm going to go up there
and tell those two to hurry up!"

He starts walking towards the women but after
getting halfway there, he returns to his friend.
"What's wrong?" his friend asks.

"I can't go over there. One of those women
is my wife and the other is my mistress."

His friend tells him, "That's okay, I'll go
talk to them."

He too starts walking towards the women but
after getting halfway there, he too returns to
his friend. He tells his friend,

"Small world..."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Claven Theory
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The "Claven Theory" offers the besy proof that beer actually does make you smarter.....
"One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went:
Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Don't you feel smarter after a few?

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th February, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th February, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Dentist
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A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to
go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did
you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

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