JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Ring
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very
special."
At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young
lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by
check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it
now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick
the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no
money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People.
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Monday, May 7, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th May, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Country Politics
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A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
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-------------------------
Country Politics
-------------------------
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
-------------------------
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Saturday, May 5, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th May, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Deep Thoughts
-------------------------
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF'D UP?
Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.
How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!
If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
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-------------------------
Deep Thoughts
-------------------------
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF'D UP?
Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.
How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!
If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
-------------------------
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Friday, May 4, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th May, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Performance Evaluations
-------------------------
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review just
remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from
United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has
started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite
won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them."
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot."
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together."
12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for
it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Performance Evaluations
-------------------------
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review just
remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from
United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has
started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite
won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them."
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot."
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together."
12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for
it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
-------------------------
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Thursday, May 3, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd May, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Pig with a Wooden Leg
-------------------------
A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour
through the hinterlands of southern Arkansas and was visiting
one particular farmer. He was standing, alongside of the farmer,
leaning on the corral rail - as he always did before pitching "the new
line of tractors" - and looking at all of the farm animals in the
barnyard. Seeing one particular pig, he said: "Say, that sure is a fine
hog, but, you know, I have never seen a pig with one wooden leg before."
The farmer said: "You see, that there pig is one valuable animal, I can
tell you. That there hog saved my life three times."
"The first time was about a month ago. My wife fried potatoes for
supper, just the way I like them, and left the frying pan on the stove.
About midnight or so, the pig must have smelled the smoke, but be broke
out of his pen, butted the house door open with his snout, woke us up
and we got out of the house just in time."
"And it wasn't but two weeks later and I was mowing on the back forty
and I tipped the tractor over and it pinned me under the rear wheel. Gas
was leaking out of the tank onto the hot manifold and that pig must have
heard me yelling, because he broke out again, ran up to me, saw what had
happened, ran to the neighbour, got help and the neighbour came with his
tractor and pulled me free."
"And just last week, I was leading the old dairy bull out to pasture,
and he raised up and pulled the ring out of his nose and, quick as two
shakes of a dog's tail, he knocked me down. He jumped on me and
straddled me with his horns and was about to gore me, when the old pig
heard what was going on, broke out again, ran up, got a firm hold on the
old bull's tail and I got away."
Having heard the explanation, the salesman said: "All well and good,
but that doesn't explain why that hog has got a wooden leg."
The farmer replied: "Well, in a way, it does. A pig that is that
valuable is way too valuable to eat all at one time".
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Pig with a Wooden Leg
-------------------------
A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour
through the hinterlands of southern Arkansas and was visiting
one particular farmer. He was standing, alongside of the farmer,
leaning on the corral rail - as he always did before pitching "the new
line of tractors" - and looking at all of the farm animals in the
barnyard. Seeing one particular pig, he said: "Say, that sure is a fine
hog, but, you know, I have never seen a pig with one wooden leg before."
The farmer said: "You see, that there pig is one valuable animal, I can
tell you. That there hog saved my life three times."
"The first time was about a month ago. My wife fried potatoes for
supper, just the way I like them, and left the frying pan on the stove.
About midnight or so, the pig must have smelled the smoke, but be broke
out of his pen, butted the house door open with his snout, woke us up
and we got out of the house just in time."
"And it wasn't but two weeks later and I was mowing on the back forty
and I tipped the tractor over and it pinned me under the rear wheel. Gas
was leaking out of the tank onto the hot manifold and that pig must have
heard me yelling, because he broke out again, ran up to me, saw what had
happened, ran to the neighbour, got help and the neighbour came with his
tractor and pulled me free."
"And just last week, I was leading the old dairy bull out to pasture,
and he raised up and pulled the ring out of his nose and, quick as two
shakes of a dog's tail, he knocked me down. He jumped on me and
straddled me with his horns and was about to gore me, when the old pig
heard what was going on, broke out again, ran up, got a firm hold on the
old bull's tail and I got away."
Having heard the explanation, the salesman said: "All well and good,
but that doesn't explain why that hog has got a wooden leg."
The farmer replied: "Well, in a way, it does. A pig that is that
valuable is way too valuable to eat all at one time".
-------------------------
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Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd May, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Late Blonde
-------------------------
"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress
walked into the bar.
"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there
was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying
in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was
fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that
first-aid course.
"What did you do?" asked the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Late Blonde
-------------------------
"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress
walked into the bar.
"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there
was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying
in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was
fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that
first-aid course.
"What did you do?" asked the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
-------------------------
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Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st May, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Busy Bus Stop
-------------------------
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again,
and much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip
a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and
placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Busy Bus Stop
-------------------------
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again,
and much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip
a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and
placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."
-------------------------
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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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