JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Country Style
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A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."
"What's country style?" asks the city boy.
"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."
Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."
The farmer grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."
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Thursday, February 7, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th February, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Don't Mess With Old People
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Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"
Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had
breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand.
He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today .." At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."
The nurse fainted ...! Old Harold just smiled!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!
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Don't Mess With Old People
-------------------------
Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"
Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had
breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand.
He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today .." At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."
The nurse fainted ...! Old Harold just smiled!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!
-------------------------
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Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th February, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Do You Drink?
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Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past
15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put
in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your f*cking Ferrari then?
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Do You Drink?
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Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past
15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put
in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your f*cking Ferrari then?
-------------------------
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Monday, February 4, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th February, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist
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Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small
town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to
read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable to the council either, so in an effort to satisfy
the council, they changed the sign to: "Catatonics and High Colonics".
No go.
Next, they tried: "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives".
Thumbs down again.
Then came: "Minds and Behinds".
Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in: "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".
Unacceptable to the city council .. again!
So they tried: "Analysis and Anal Cysts".
Not a chance. Too graphic, said the council.
"Nuts and Butts?"
Definitely not.
"Freaks and Cheeks"?
Shot down again.
"Loons and Moons"?
Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and
Dr. Jones: Odds and Ends".
Everyone loved it.
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-------------------------
The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist
-------------------------
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small
town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to
read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable to the council either, so in an effort to satisfy
the council, they changed the sign to: "Catatonics and High Colonics".
No go.
Next, they tried: "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives".
Thumbs down again.
Then came: "Minds and Behinds".
Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in: "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".
Unacceptable to the city council .. again!
So they tried: "Analysis and Anal Cysts".
Not a chance. Too graphic, said the council.
"Nuts and Butts?"
Definitely not.
"Freaks and Cheeks"?
Shot down again.
"Loons and Moons"?
Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and
Dr. Jones: Odds and Ends".
Everyone loved it.
-------------------------
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Sunday, February 3, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd February, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Henry Ford
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Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel
tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention,
the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a
reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God,
himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the
Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey,
aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well,"
says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention:
l. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial
Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may
be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but
according to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
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-------------------------
Henry Ford
-------------------------
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel
tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention,
the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a
reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God,
himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the
Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey,
aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well,"
says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention:
l. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial
Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may
be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but
according to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
-------------------------
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Saturday, February 2, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd February, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Advice
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A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"
"Simple", replied the Priest...
"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
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-------------------------
Advice
-------------------------
A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"
"Simple", replied the Priest...
"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
-------------------------
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Friday, February 1, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st February, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Time
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On some air bases, the military uses one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side, with the tower in the middle serving both. One day, at one of these fields, a call from an aircraft called in asking, "Hey, Tower, what time is it?"
The tower answered, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft answered, "What difference does it make?"
The tower responded with, "It makes a lot of difference. If you are a civilian aircraft, it's three o'clock; if you're an Army aircraft, it's 1500 hours; if you're a Navy aircraft, it's 3 bells; if you're an Air Force aircraft, the big hand is on 12 and the little hand is on 3; and if you're a Marine aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes 'til Happy Hour."
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Time
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On some air bases, the military uses one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side, with the tower in the middle serving both. One day, at one of these fields, a call from an aircraft called in asking, "Hey, Tower, what time is it?"
The tower answered, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft answered, "What difference does it make?"
The tower responded with, "It makes a lot of difference. If you are a civilian aircraft, it's three o'clock; if you're an Army aircraft, it's 1500 hours; if you're a Navy aircraft, it's 3 bells; if you're an Air Force aircraft, the big hand is on 12 and the little hand is on 3; and if you're a Marine aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes 'til Happy Hour."
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