JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Wrong Approach
-------------------------
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."
His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say 'WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works every time!"
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Sunday, September 8, 2013
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th September, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Cold Cream
-------------------------
Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face..
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Cold Cream
-------------------------
Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face..
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"
-------------------------
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Friday, September 6, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th September, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Life's Insights
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1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley
(lead Riverdancer)
2. (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll
never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own
jars." - Bruce Willis
3. "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on
Satan.'" - George Burns
4. "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'" - Sandra Bullock
5. "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a
twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out
there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and
the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'" -Jason Alexander (from
Seinfeld)
6. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -Carmen Boyle (Olympic
Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)
7. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Henry
Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)
8. "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the
natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Dan Rather (News anchorman)
9. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
'Thyroid problem?'" - Arnold Schwarzenegger
10. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're
in." - Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")
11. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods
12. "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently
doing quite well for themselves." - Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
13. "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Axel Rose
(Guns'n'Roses)
14. "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment
turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Rev. Jesse Jackson
15. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack
Nicholson
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Life's Insights
-------------------------
1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley
(lead Riverdancer)
2. (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll
never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own
jars." - Bruce Willis
3. "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on
Satan.'" - George Burns
4. "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'" - Sandra Bullock
5. "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a
twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out
there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and
the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'" -Jason Alexander (from
Seinfeld)
6. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -Carmen Boyle (Olympic
Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)
7. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Henry
Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)
8. "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the
natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Dan Rather (News anchorman)
9. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
'Thyroid problem?'" - Arnold Schwarzenegger
10. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're
in." - Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")
11. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods
12. "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently
doing quite well for themselves." - Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
13. "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Axel Rose
(Guns'n'Roses)
14. "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment
turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Rev. Jesse Jackson
15. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack
Nicholson
-------------------------
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Thursday, September 5, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th September, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Farmer John
-------------------------
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The
traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a
rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so
fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next
day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to
do something about these drivers. The 'school
crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
workers and they put up a new
sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the
sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer
John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to
complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to
give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you
put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed
since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought
to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it
might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff
drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the
sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Farmer John
-------------------------
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The
traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a
rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so
fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next
day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to
do something about these drivers. The 'school
crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
workers and they put up a new
sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the
sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer
John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to
complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to
give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you
put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed
since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought
to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it
might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff
drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the
sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS
-------------------------
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Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th September, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Borrow a Newspaper
-------------------------
I was visiting my
granddaughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a
newspaper.
"This is the 21st century," she
said. We don't waste money
on newspapers. Here, use my
iPad."
I can tell you this. That fly never knew
what hit him.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Borrow a Newspaper
-------------------------
I was visiting my
granddaughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a
newspaper.
"This is the 21st century," she
said. We don't waste money
on newspapers. Here, use my
iPad."
I can tell you this. That fly never knew
what hit him.
-------------------------
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Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd September, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Mental
-------------------------
During a visit to a hospital for the mentally infirm, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the smart-arsed visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Mental
-------------------------
During a visit to a hospital for the mentally infirm, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the smart-arsed visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"
-------------------------
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Monday, September 2, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd September, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Three Envelopes
-------------------------
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the
manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing
manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in
the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis
you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is major drama, everything
goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very
threatened by it all.
He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens
the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your
predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip
in sales, combined with serious product problems. The
manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read,
"Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly
rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third
envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Three Envelopes
-------------------------
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the
manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing
manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in
the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis
you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is major drama, everything
goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very
threatened by it all.
He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens
the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your
predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip
in sales, combined with serious product problems. The
manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read,
"Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly
rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third
envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes"
-------------------------
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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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