JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Marathon
-------------------------
Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work.
One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her
husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your
clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!"
Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's
raining like hell out there."
Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"
So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed
outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started
running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his
clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"
Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having
the air blow over your skin while you are running."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on
your arm?"
Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the
end of the run and get in my car to go home."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."
-------------------------
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Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Monday, July 7, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th July, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Rules for Bank Robbers
-------------------------
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated
and unprofessional crimes," comitted by young male repeat offenders who
apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information
was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank,"
by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras,
76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bank
before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the
loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with
examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the
fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in
business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too
familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making
his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan.
One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and
down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing
police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup
note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the
ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back
of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope
bearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford,
Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and
account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to
hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he
showed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note
saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The
teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment
on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it
accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank
robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing
stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing
attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who
took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up
to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered the
security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's
car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most
quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing
the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out,
not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and
Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while
trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in
the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal
in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted.
He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for
example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank
holdups reported.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Rules for Bank Robbers
-------------------------
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated
and unprofessional crimes," comitted by young male repeat offenders who
apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information
was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank,"
by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras,
76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bank
before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the
loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with
examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the
fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in
business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too
familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making
his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan.
One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and
down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing
police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup
note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the
ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back
of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope
bearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford,
Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and
account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to
hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he
showed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note
saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The
teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment
on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it
accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank
robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing
stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing
attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who
took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up
to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered the
security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's
car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most
quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing
the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out,
not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and
Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while
trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in
the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal
in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted.
He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for
example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank
holdups reported.
-------------------------
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Sunday, July 6, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th July, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Because I Care
-------------------------
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
This is why I'm contacting you....Well, my job is done!
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Because I Care
-------------------------
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
This is why I'm contacting you....Well, my job is done!
-------------------------
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Friday, July 4, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th July, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Genuine Subtitles Used in Chinese Language Films
-------------------------
I love chinese/japanese films but have learned to wait
until the proper English translations for most films but some
of the original chinese subtitles make the films rather more entertaining:
I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way
Quiet or I'll blow your throat up
I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected
Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep
Same old rules: no eyes, no groin
A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries
Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants
Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken
You daring lousy guy
Beat him out of recognizable shape!
I have been scared ****less too much lately
I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
How can you use my intestines as a gift?
This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum
I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat
Yah-hah, evil spider woman!
I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynaecologist for a thorough extermination
Greetings, large black person
Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Genuine Subtitles Used in Chinese Language Films
-------------------------
I love chinese/japanese films but have learned to wait
until the proper English translations for most films but some
of the original chinese subtitles make the films rather more entertaining:
I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way
Quiet or I'll blow your throat up
I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected
Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep
Same old rules: no eyes, no groin
A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries
Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants
Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken
You daring lousy guy
Beat him out of recognizable shape!
I have been scared ****less too much lately
I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
How can you use my intestines as a gift?
This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum
I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat
Yah-hah, evil spider woman!
I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynaecologist for a thorough extermination
Greetings, large black person
Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person
-------------------------
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Thursday, July 3, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd July, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
For the Birds
-------------------------
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
For the Birds
-------------------------
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
-------------------------
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Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd July, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
On the Porch
-------------------------
Two blondes living in Texas were sitting on a bench
talking........and the one blonde says to the other.
"What do you think is farther ......... Florida or the moon......"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooooooooooooo....can you
see Florida?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
On the Porch
-------------------------
Two blondes living in Texas were sitting on a bench
talking........and the one blonde says to the other.
"What do you think is farther ......... Florida or the moon......"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooooooooooooo....can you
see Florida?"
-------------------------
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Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st July, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Take Care of the Big Rocks First
-------------------------
Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous - yes.
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, and your children - Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Take Care of the Big Rocks First
-------------------------
Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous - yes.
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, and your children - Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
-------------------------
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