JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Cheese Farm
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As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These", she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."
She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
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Monday, September 8, 2014
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th September, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Forgive Your Enemies?
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The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies."
He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands.
He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three," she replied.
"Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I outlived every one of those bitches!"
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-------------------------
Forgive Your Enemies?
-------------------------
The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies."
He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands.
He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three," she replied.
"Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I outlived every one of those bitches!"
-------------------------
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Saturday, September 6, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th September, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Hold Me
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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words That every
boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in Touch with my
emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a
man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just Love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was
going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to
take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed
department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several
different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I
told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new Shoes to compliment her new
clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the
jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me
tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of
a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I
threw her for a loop when I said, That's fine, honey." She was almost
nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted
out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank
as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I
just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with
my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as
a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Hold Me
-------------------------
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words That every
boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in Touch with my
emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a
man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just Love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was
going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to
take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed
department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several
different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I
told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new Shoes to compliment her new
clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the
jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me
tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of
a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I
threw her for a loop when I said, That's fine, honey." She was almost
nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted
out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank
as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I
just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with
my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as
a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
-------------------------
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Friday, September 5, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th September, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Redneck Genealogy
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Two fellows from Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon.
After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."
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-------------------------
Redneck Genealogy
-------------------------
Two fellows from Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon.
After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."
-------------------------
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Thursday, September 4, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th September, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Personal Ads
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Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered
SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo.
$800/month plus 1/2 utilities. Must enjoy garlic, taxidermy & clock repair.
SWF: Seeks any M, age 16-52, for immediate marriage.
Willing to beg. Call 24/hours, 7/days 1-800-I'm-4you.
SWM: 39, enjoys assault rifles, heavy drinking, and testosterone.
Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy theories
and help stock secluded mountain shelter. Don't bother to write, I already know where you live.
SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea, New Age
music, Communing with Gaian nature spirits, and Jello sculpting.
Seeks aloof, analytic whimp.
SWM: 59, wide range of interests including: Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest.
ISO compatible F.
SM: Seeking an adventurous SF Interested in underwater bondage with or
w/o scuba gear And albino livestock breeding. No weirdos please.
SBM: Vegetarian Truck-driving Republican juggler Wishes to meet woman
of similar interests Must be ambidextrous.
DWF: Crazy ppl Need Love Too. If you enjoy destroying good furniture, Police lineups and locking your
friends in closets, We already have three things in common !
Let's get together.
DM: Physician, 35 Desires to meet that special woman with real inner
beauty. Send latest X-rays.
DWM: Compulsive Liar Seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollar
Riviera chateau. Visa Gold Card a must. Private plane a plus.
SWM: 32, my life's work is verifying, in detail, all the episodes shown
on"The X-Files". ISO SWF with like dedication. Must be willing to travel a lot
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-------------------------
Personal Ads
-------------------------
Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered
SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo.
$800/month plus 1/2 utilities. Must enjoy garlic, taxidermy & clock repair.
SWF: Seeks any M, age 16-52, for immediate marriage.
Willing to beg. Call 24/hours, 7/days 1-800-I'm-4you.
SWM: 39, enjoys assault rifles, heavy drinking, and testosterone.
Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy theories
and help stock secluded mountain shelter. Don't bother to write, I already know where you live.
SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea, New Age
music, Communing with Gaian nature spirits, and Jello sculpting.
Seeks aloof, analytic whimp.
SWM: 59, wide range of interests including: Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest.
ISO compatible F.
SM: Seeking an adventurous SF Interested in underwater bondage with or
w/o scuba gear And albino livestock breeding. No weirdos please.
SBM: Vegetarian Truck-driving Republican juggler Wishes to meet woman
of similar interests Must be ambidextrous.
DWF: Crazy ppl Need Love Too. If you enjoy destroying good furniture, Police lineups and locking your
friends in closets, We already have three things in common !
Let's get together.
DM: Physician, 35 Desires to meet that special woman with real inner
beauty. Send latest X-rays.
DWM: Compulsive Liar Seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollar
Riviera chateau. Visa Gold Card a must. Private plane a plus.
SWM: 32, my life's work is verifying, in detail, all the episodes shown
on"The X-Files". ISO SWF with like dedication. Must be willing to travel a lot
-------------------------
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Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd September, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Fly
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There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!
ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shi*t.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Fly
-------------------------
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!
ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shi*t.
-------------------------
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Monday, September 1, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st September, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Hearing Aid
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a
number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was
able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and
the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must
be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh , I haven't told my family yet. I
just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will three times!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Hearing Aid
-------------------------
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a
number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was
able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and
the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must
be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh , I haven't told my family yet. I
just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will three times!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20140901
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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