JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Early Dementia Test
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It's that time of year to take our annual senior
citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important
as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's
important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use
it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge
your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're
losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't
see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your
mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up
now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk"
What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next
question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content
yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto
World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from
blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house
is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why
the heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to
Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided
into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the
flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining
engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally
crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between
East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East
Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you
said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In
Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four
get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea
, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen,
six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Now pass this along to all your friends and
pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
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Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th October, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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My Mother
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1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father."
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home."
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
How many of these did your mother teach? AND how many did you teach your children?
-------------------------
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My Mother
-------------------------
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father."
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home."
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
How many of these did your mother teach? AND how many did you teach your children?
-------------------------
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Monday, October 6, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th October, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Best Out of the Office Messages
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1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to
get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.
3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me
until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail
will be deleted in the order it was received.
4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system..
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.
7. I've run away to join a different circus.
8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Jay'.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Best Out of the Office Messages
-------------------------
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to
get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.
3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me
until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail
will be deleted in the order it was received.
4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system..
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.
7. I've run away to join a different circus.
8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Jay'.
-------------------------
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Saturday, October 4, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th October, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Farmer Joe's Favorite Mule
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Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to
take the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer
Joe. "Didn't you say, 'I'm fine', at the scene of the accident?" asked the
lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for a long, drawn-out story," the lawyer interrupted,
"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I
was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after
the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could
hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape
just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, he
came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, 'Your
mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Farmer Joe's Favorite Mule
-------------------------
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to
take the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer
Joe. "Didn't you say, 'I'm fine', at the scene of the accident?" asked the
lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for a long, drawn-out story," the lawyer interrupted,
"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I
was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after
the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could
hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape
just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, he
came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, 'Your
mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
-------------------------
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Friday, October 3, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd October, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Who Am I?
-------------------------
I will seek and find You . . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now, get your mind out of the gutter and Go get your flu shot!
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Who Am I?
-------------------------
I will seek and find You . . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now, get your mind out of the gutter and Go get your flu shot!
-------------------------
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Thursday, October 2, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd October, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Sinking Titanic
-------------------------
Titanic was about to sink. People on the ship were shouting, crying, running and praying to God - just then a passenger had the following conversation with the captain.
Passenger: How far is land, from here?
Captain: Two miles...
Passenger: Only two miles, then why these fools are making noise. I have the experience of swimming even more.
Captain: .....????
Passenger: Just tell me in which direction, land is two miles from here?
Captain: Downward...
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Sinking Titanic
-------------------------
Titanic was about to sink. People on the ship were shouting, crying, running and praying to God - just then a passenger had the following conversation with the captain.
Passenger: How far is land, from here?
Captain: Two miles...
Passenger: Only two miles, then why these fools are making noise. I have the experience of swimming even more.
Captain: .....????
Passenger: Just tell me in which direction, land is two miles from here?
Captain: Downward...
-------------------------
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Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st October, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Vacuum Cleaner
-------------------------
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to
be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't
got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door..
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you
have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the
remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a
damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Vacuum Cleaner
-------------------------
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to
be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't
got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door..
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you
have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the
remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a
damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.."
-------------------------
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