JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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SUV
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Two old guys were chatting.....
One said to the other: "My 85th birthday was yesterday.
The wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing!!.....
Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
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Monday, June 8, 2015
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Time Tested Quotes
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea ...
Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge
What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain
By all means, marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which,
if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~ Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink ...
and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth
or the fourteenth.
~George Burns
The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good ... spit it out.
~Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Time Tested Quotes
-------------------------
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea ...
Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge
What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain
By all means, marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which,
if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~ Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink ...
and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth
or the fourteenth.
~George Burns
The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good ... spit it out.
~Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal
-------------------------
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Saturday, June 6, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Relaxed
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Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said "Please give me a
prescription for the Pill."
"I don't think you need the Pill at your age."
"It relaxes me."
"But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not for
relaxing," exclaimed the physician.
"I know," said Mrs Ogden, "but my daughter dates, and every
morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel
more relaxed.
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Relaxed
-------------------------
Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said "Please give me a
prescription for the Pill."
"I don't think you need the Pill at your age."
"It relaxes me."
"But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not for
relaxing," exclaimed the physician.
"I know," said Mrs Ogden, "but my daughter dates, and every
morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel
more relaxed.
-------------------------
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Friday, June 5, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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High Birth Rate
-------------------------
A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and
scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the
sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other
concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of
the causes of the town's high birth rate.
The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the
million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered
coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him
for a moment and asked, "Can you give me an idea was to why your town,
above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?"
The waiter thought a moment, then said, "I think I can. You see, every
morning at 4:00, the C&A Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle
at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you
can guess, it's too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to
get up."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
High Birth Rate
-------------------------
A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and
scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the
sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other
concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of
the causes of the town's high birth rate.
The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the
million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered
coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him
for a moment and asked, "Can you give me an idea was to why your town,
above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?"
The waiter thought a moment, then said, "I think I can. You see, every
morning at 4:00, the C&A Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle
at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you
can guess, it's too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to
get up."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
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Thursday, June 4, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Mirrors
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According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night,
the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put
them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man....She explained that all these lip prints were causing
a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors,
she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet,
and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are
teachers, and then there are educators...
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Mirrors
-------------------------
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night,
the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put
them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man....She explained that all these lip prints were causing
a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors,
she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet,
and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are
teachers, and then there are educators...
-------------------------
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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Simple Logic
-------------------------
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
Not Bad.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Simple Logic
-------------------------
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
Not Bad.
-------------------------
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Monday, June 1, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Suspension
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At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded
to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any
basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average.
Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office,
followed by one of his star players.
"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't
win this weekend without him!"
"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at
this college."
"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.
"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the
basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times
seven?"
The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-
one?"
The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."
"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making
such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Suspension
-------------------------
At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded
to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any
basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average.
Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office,
followed by one of his star players.
"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't
win this weekend without him!"
"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at
this college."
"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.
"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the
basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times
seven?"
The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-
one?"
The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."
"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making
such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."
-------------------------
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