JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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King Arthur
-------------------------
King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death.
The question? . . . What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with every one, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice, compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered . . . is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half-the-time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day . . . or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT . . . make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now . . . what is the moral to this story?
The moral is . . .
If you don't let a woman have her own way . . .
Things are going to get ugly!
-------------------------
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Monday, June 15, 2015
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Appendicitis
-------------------------
A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman
kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be
a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy
to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him
so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off.
Written in large red letters across the tape was the sentence: Get well
quick..... From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Appendicitis
-------------------------
A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman
kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be
a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy
to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him
so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off.
Written in large red letters across the tape was the sentence: Get well
quick..... From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
-------------------------
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Saturday, June 13, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Late for Work
-------------------------
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Late for Work
-------------------------
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
-------------------------
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Friday, June 12, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Scrabble
-------------------------
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(wait till you see the last one!)
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Scrabble
-------------------------
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(wait till you see the last one!)
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!
-------------------------
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Thursday, June 11, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Bell
-------------------------
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skill, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
"BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"....
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Bell
-------------------------
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skill, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
"BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"....
-------------------------
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Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
A Dog's Life
-------------------------
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
- Unknown
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
- Unknown
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
- Gene Hill
In dog years, I'm dead.
- Unknown
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
- Aldous Huxley
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times
before lying down.
- Robert Benchley
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives.
- Sue Murphy
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to
bite people themselves.
- August Strindberg
No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely
certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
- Fran Lebowitz
Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a
grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They
must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
- Anne Tyler
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money.
- Joe Weinstein
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
- James Thurber
You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with
pets.
- Nora Ephron
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful.
- Ann Landers
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get
used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should
have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of
the most fond memories!
- Dr. Tom Cat
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
- Edward Abbey
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look
like the dog did it.
- Unknown
Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
- Unknown
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog
does.
- Christopher Morley
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings
Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
- Holbrook Jackson
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andrew A. Rooney
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life,
his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat
of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
- Unknown
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you;
that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
- Smiley Blanton
I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt,
and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
- John Steinbeck
-------------------------
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-------------------------
A Dog's Life
-------------------------
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
- Unknown
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
- Unknown
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
- Gene Hill
In dog years, I'm dead.
- Unknown
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
- Aldous Huxley
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times
before lying down.
- Robert Benchley
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives.
- Sue Murphy
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to
bite people themselves.
- August Strindberg
No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely
certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
- Fran Lebowitz
Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a
grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They
must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
- Anne Tyler
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money.
- Joe Weinstein
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
- James Thurber
You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with
pets.
- Nora Ephron
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful.
- Ann Landers
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get
used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should
have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of
the most fond memories!
- Dr. Tom Cat
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
- Edward Abbey
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look
like the dog did it.
- Unknown
Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
- Unknown
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog
does.
- Christopher Morley
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings
Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
- Holbrook Jackson
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andrew A. Rooney
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life,
his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat
of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
- Unknown
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you;
that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
- Smiley Blanton
I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt,
and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
- John Steinbeck
-------------------------
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Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Worms
-------------------------
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his
5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,
so he produced an experiment that involved a
glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said
the professor while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy
as a worm in water could be. He then put the
second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and
writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to
the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?"
the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised
his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink
whiskey and you won't get worms."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Worms
-------------------------
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his
5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,
so he produced an experiment that involved a
glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said
the professor while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy
as a worm in water could be. He then put the
second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and
writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to
the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?"
the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised
his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink
whiskey and you won't get worms."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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