JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Fried Eggs
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"
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Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th July, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Math Job
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A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?"
The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says
"Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question
"What do two plus two equal?"
The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question
"What do two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next
to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
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Math Job
-------------------------
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?"
The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says
"Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question
"What do two plus two equal?"
The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question
"What do two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next
to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
-------------------------
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Monday, July 6, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th July, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Chinese Business Trip
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A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts
for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player.
Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would
happened if this does not work?'
The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads,
'GUARANTEE NO SPOILT'.
Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel.
He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it
would not even switch on.
He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange
for another unit. When the shopkeeper refused to give either, the man points to the sign
assuring him of a guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China. We read from the
right to the left.'
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Chinese Business Trip
-------------------------
A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts
for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player.
Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would
happened if this does not work?'
The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads,
'GUARANTEE NO SPOILT'.
Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel.
He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it
would not even switch on.
He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange
for another unit. When the shopkeeper refused to give either, the man points to the sign
assuring him of a guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China. We read from the
right to the left.'
-------------------------
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Sunday, July 5, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th July, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Jonah and the Whale
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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Jonah and the Whale
-------------------------
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
-------------------------
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Saturday, July 4, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th July, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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A Dog Named Sex
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Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!"
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.
I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."
He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."
The Judge said, "Same here!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I can't live any longer being so lonely."
And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
A Dog Named Sex
-------------------------
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!"
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.
I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."
He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."
The Judge said, "Same here!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I can't live any longer being so lonely."
And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
-------------------------
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Friday, July 3, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd July, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Letter of Recommendation
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When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of
human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I
think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that
next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It
read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he
left us, we were very satisfied."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Letter of Recommendation
-------------------------
When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of
human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I
think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that
next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It
read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he
left us, we were very satisfied."
-------------------------
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Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st July, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Oklahoma Fan
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A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet
mall to do their tax-free back to school shopping. While in the sports shop
the son picks up an Oklahoma jersey and says to his older sister, "I've
decided to become a Sooner fan and I would like to wear this to school".
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head
and says, "Go talk to mother".
Off goes the little lad with the Oklahoma jersey in hand and finds his
mother.
"Mom?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this
jersey".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and
says, "Go talk to your father!"
Off he goes with the Oklahoma Jersey in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this
jersey".
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says,
"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT CRAP!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards
home.
The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something
today?"
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
To which the son replies, "I've only been a Oklahoma fan for an hour and I
already hate you Texas bastards."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Oklahoma Fan
-------------------------
A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet
mall to do their tax-free back to school shopping. While in the sports shop
the son picks up an Oklahoma jersey and says to his older sister, "I've
decided to become a Sooner fan and I would like to wear this to school".
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head
and says, "Go talk to mother".
Off goes the little lad with the Oklahoma jersey in hand and finds his
mother.
"Mom?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this
jersey".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and
says, "Go talk to your father!"
Off he goes with the Oklahoma Jersey in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this
jersey".
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says,
"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT CRAP!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards
home.
The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something
today?"
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
To which the son replies, "I've only been a Oklahoma fan for an hour and I
already hate you Texas bastards."
-------------------------
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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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