JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Earthworm
-------------------------
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The
little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says,
"Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather
replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp
to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of
hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray,
and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back
out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,
"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma.
-------------------------
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Friday, September 16, 2016
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th September, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Rules for Work
-------------------------
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00
and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is
refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every
10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even
better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where
you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function
as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good
training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of
my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me
which is the priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and
really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life
beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets
out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name
to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no
right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am
plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions
will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
really change your life and send you straight to manager's
hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and
it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially
like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus
check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my
goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating
with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money
anyway.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Rules for Work
-------------------------
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00
and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is
refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every
10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even
better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where
you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function
as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good
training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of
my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me
which is the priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and
really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life
beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets
out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name
to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no
right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am
plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions
will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
really change your life and send you straight to manager's
hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and
it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially
like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus
check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my
goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating
with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money
anyway.
-------------------------
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Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th September, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Tractor
-------------------------
A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him
and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really
like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him
to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is
needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll
get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that
situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him
wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse ...
"as soon as that tractor is paid for..."
Shortly, a few days later, son no. 3, his youngest, comes
bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the
tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little
disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of
the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back,
mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to
deserve that!"
The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says,
"Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is
paid for.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Tractor
-------------------------
A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him
and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really
like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him
to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is
needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll
get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that
situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him
wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse ...
"as soon as that tractor is paid for..."
Shortly, a few days later, son no. 3, his youngest, comes
bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the
tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little
disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of
the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back,
mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to
deserve that!"
The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says,
"Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is
paid for.
-------------------------
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Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th September, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Volleyball
-------------------------
A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife
spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.
Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Volleyball
-------------------------
A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife
spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.
Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."
-------------------------
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Sunday, September 11, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th September, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Modern Proverbs
-------------------------
a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going
to a garage makes you a mechanic.
c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious
i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.
l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way
again.
m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.
o.. Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.
p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.
y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when
I'm in the bathroom.
z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Modern Proverbs
-------------------------
a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going
to a garage makes you a mechanic.
c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious
i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.
l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way
again.
m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.
o.. Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.
p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.
y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when
I'm in the bathroom.
z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.
-------------------------
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Saturday, September 10, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th September, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Beethoven
-------------------------
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple
days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard
some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint,
unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran
and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened
for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony,
being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,
and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept
listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the
magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered
in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.
It's just Beethoven decomposing."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Beethoven
-------------------------
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple
days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard
some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint,
unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran
and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened
for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony,
being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,
and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept
listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the
magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered
in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.
It's just Beethoven decomposing."
-------------------------
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Friday, September 9, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th September, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Neil Armstrong
-------------------------
On July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 Lunar
Module, Neil Armstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot On
The Moon.
His First Words After Stepping On The Moon,
'that's One Small Step For Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind,'
Were Televised To Earth And Heard By Millions.
But Just Before He Re-entered The Lander, He Made The Enigmatic
Remark 'good Luck, Mr. Gorsky.'
Many People At Nasa Thought It Was A Casual Remark Concerning Some Rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
However, Upon Checking, There Was No Gorsky In
Either The Russian Or American Space Programs.
Over The Years Many People Questioned Armstrong As To What The 'good Luck, Mr. Gorsky'... Statement Meant, But Armstrong Always Just Smiled.
On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay , Florida , While
Answering Questions Following A Speech, A Reporter Brought
Up The 26 Year-old Question To Armstrong. This Time He
Finally Responded. Mr. Gorsky Had Died, So Neil Armstrong
Felt He Could Now Answer The Question.
In 1938, When Neil Was A Kid In A Small Mid-west Town , He Was
Playing Baseball With A Friend In The Backyard. His Friend
Hit The Ball, Which Landed In His Neighbor's Yard By Their
Bedroom Window.
His Neighbors Were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky.
As He Leaned Down To Pick Up The Ball, Young Armstrong Heard
Mrs. Gorsky Shouting At Mr. Gorsky. 'sex, You Want Sex Now??!!'
You'll Get Sex When The Kid Next Door Walks On The Moon!'
True Story
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Neil Armstrong
-------------------------
On July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 Lunar
Module, Neil Armstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot On
The Moon.
His First Words After Stepping On The Moon,
'that's One Small Step For Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind,'
Were Televised To Earth And Heard By Millions.
But Just Before He Re-entered The Lander, He Made The Enigmatic
Remark 'good Luck, Mr. Gorsky.'
Many People At Nasa Thought It Was A Casual Remark Concerning Some Rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
However, Upon Checking, There Was No Gorsky In
Either The Russian Or American Space Programs.
Over The Years Many People Questioned Armstrong As To What The 'good Luck, Mr. Gorsky'... Statement Meant, But Armstrong Always Just Smiled.
On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay , Florida , While
Answering Questions Following A Speech, A Reporter Brought
Up The 26 Year-old Question To Armstrong. This Time He
Finally Responded. Mr. Gorsky Had Died, So Neil Armstrong
Felt He Could Now Answer The Question.
In 1938, When Neil Was A Kid In A Small Mid-west Town , He Was
Playing Baseball With A Friend In The Backyard. His Friend
Hit The Ball, Which Landed In His Neighbor's Yard By Their
Bedroom Window.
His Neighbors Were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky.
As He Leaned Down To Pick Up The Ball, Young Armstrong Heard
Mrs. Gorsky Shouting At Mr. Gorsky. 'sex, You Want Sex Now??!!'
You'll Get Sex When The Kid Next Door Walks On The Moon!'
True Story
-------------------------
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