JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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What Turns You On?
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A Woman gets naked in front of her husband and asks: "What turns you on the most, my pretty face, my voluptuous bust or my sexy butt???
He briefly looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humor."
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Sunday, May 7, 2017
Saturday, May 6, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th May, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Ten Commandments
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Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are
thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100
grand!
Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first
year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the
second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third
year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night
thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall
asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After
that, he is finished..
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-------------------------
Ten Commandments
-------------------------
Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are
thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100
grand!
Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first
year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the
second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third
year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night
thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall
asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After
that, he is finished..
-------------------------
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Friday, May 5, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th May, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Devil
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A few minutes before the church services started, the
congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the back
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to
get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was
empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly
in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the
fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know
who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked
Satan.
Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man,
in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying
agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't
you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for
48 years.'
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-------------------------
The Devil
-------------------------
A few minutes before the church services started, the
congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the back
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to
get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was
empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly
in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the
fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know
who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked
Satan.
Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man,
in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying
agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't
you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for
48 years.'
-------------------------
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Thursday, May 4, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th May, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Apples
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
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-------------------------
Apples
-------------------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
-------------------------
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Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd May, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Police Quotes
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#16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
#15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new, they'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything
I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.
Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8. "The answer to this last question will determine weather you are drunk or not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."
#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4. "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2. "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS...
#1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
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-------------------------
Police Quotes
-------------------------
#16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
#15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new, they'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything
I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.
Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8. "The answer to this last question will determine weather you are drunk or not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."
#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4. "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2. "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS...
#1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
-------------------------
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Tuesday, May 2, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd May, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Phone
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The place where I work decided to provide company-paid cell phones to the "suits" upstairs. After negotiating a deal with a cell phone company, we arranged for the phones to be sent to the homes of the various VIP's.
The day after delivery, I received a call from a partner screaming about how his cell phone didn't work. He said he charged it overnight just like the sheet said, but in the morning, it wouldn't power up.
I asked EXACTLY what he did with the phone when he got it.
"I took it out, plugged the charger into the wall and into the phone."
"Did you put the battery in the phone?"
"Not the extra one."
"Sir, the phone only came with one battery."
(Pause) "Oh, I think I figured out what's wrong with it."
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-------------------------
The Phone
-------------------------
The place where I work decided to provide company-paid cell phones to the "suits" upstairs. After negotiating a deal with a cell phone company, we arranged for the phones to be sent to the homes of the various VIP's.
The day after delivery, I received a call from a partner screaming about how his cell phone didn't work. He said he charged it overnight just like the sheet said, but in the morning, it wouldn't power up.
I asked EXACTLY what he did with the phone when he got it.
"I took it out, plugged the charger into the wall and into the phone."
"Did you put the battery in the phone?"
"Not the extra one."
"Sir, the phone only came with one battery."
(Pause) "Oh, I think I figured out what's wrong with it."
-------------------------
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Monday, May 1, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st May, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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New Words for the Workplace
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Essential NEW WORDS FOR editions for the work-place vocabulary:
BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
(This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)
MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
XEROX SUBSIDY
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded
"administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
CROP DUSTING
Surreptitiously farting while passing through a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust.
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-------------------------
New Words for the Workplace
-------------------------
Essential NEW WORDS FOR editions for the work-place vocabulary:
BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
(This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)
MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
XEROX SUBSIDY
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded
"administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
CROP DUSTING
Surreptitiously farting while passing through a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust.
-------------------------
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