JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
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Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues
and carrying an AK47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's you're best friend.
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
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Monday, December 25, 2017
Friday, December 22, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd December, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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A Bear on the Roof
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A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
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A Bear on the Roof
-------------------------
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
-------------------------
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Thursday, December 21, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st December, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Arrogance is Equal to Stupidity
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Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked
with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect
your farm for a possible new road.'
The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and
said, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want.
See this card? I will go wherever I wish.'
So the old farmer went about his chores.
It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.
He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for
their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.
The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart Ass.... Show him
your card!!
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-------------------------
Arrogance is Equal to Stupidity
-------------------------
Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked
with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect
your farm for a possible new road.'
The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and
said, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want.
See this card? I will go wherever I wish.'
So the old farmer went about his chores.
It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.
He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for
their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.
The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart Ass.... Show him
your card!!
-------------------------
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Wednesday, December 20, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th December, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Deep Hole
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Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big
deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there
and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big
rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the
hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined
look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a
railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker
in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a
sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the
wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as
fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and
into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and
ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like
crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was
chained to a railroad tie."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Deep Hole
-------------------------
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big
deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there
and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big
rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the
hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined
look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a
railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker
in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a
sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the
wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as
fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and
into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and
ambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like
crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was
chained to a railroad tie."
-------------------------
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Tuesday, December 19, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th December, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Better Gunfighter?
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A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.''
Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the hot shot.. 'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'You bet it will, ' said the old-timer.The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.
''Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt near as much.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Better Gunfighter?
-------------------------
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.''
Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the hot shot.. 'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'You bet it will, ' said the old-timer.The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.
''Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt near as much.
-------------------------
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Monday, December 18, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th December, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Rodeo
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A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
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-------------------------
The Rodeo
-------------------------
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
-------------------------
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Sunday, December 17, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th December, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Talking Frog
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An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why
won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Talking Frog
-------------------------
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why
won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
-------------------------
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