JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th February, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Organic
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My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.
I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These
vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any
poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to
do that yourself."
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Thursday, February 28, 2019
Wednesday, February 27, 2019
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th February, 2019
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th February, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Earthworm
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Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.
"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."
"That's from your grandma," said Josh.
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The Earthworm
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Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.
"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."
"That's from your grandma," said Josh.
-------------------------
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Monday, February 25, 2019
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th February, 2019
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th February, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Good, The Bad and the Ugly
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Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues
and carrying an AK47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's you're best friend.
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
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The Good, The Bad and the Ugly
-------------------------
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues
and carrying an AK47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's you're best friend.
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
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Sunday, February 24, 2019
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th February, 2019
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th February, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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New Supermarket
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A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes
on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of
fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered
corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
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New Supermarket
-------------------------
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes
on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of
fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered
corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
-------------------------
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Friday, February 22, 2019
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd February, 2019
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd February, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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In the Park
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Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the
subject turned to getting older. The first guy said, "Women
have all the luck when it comes to getting older."
"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.
"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last
time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is
healthier than ever!"
"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.
"Well, years ago, when we were younger, almost every night
before bed she'd get these terrible headaches." he answered.
"Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."
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-------------------------
In the Park
-------------------------
Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the
subject turned to getting older. The first guy said, "Women
have all the luck when it comes to getting older."
"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.
"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last
time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is
healthier than ever!"
"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.
"Well, years ago, when we were younger, almost every night
before bed she'd get these terrible headaches." he answered.
"Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."
-------------------------
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Thursday, February 21, 2019
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st February, 2019
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st February, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Emergency Room
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A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap
clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was
examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?"
The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt
the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap
was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles.
"Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"
"It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my
life."
"Second worst? What could have been worse than that?"
"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.
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-------------------------
Emergency Room
-------------------------
A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap
clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was
examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?"
The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt
the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap
was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles.
"Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"
"It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my
life."
"Second worst? What could have been worse than that?"
"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.
-------------------------
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Wednesday, February 20, 2019
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th February, 2019
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th February, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Rose and Barb
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Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there."
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."
"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Barb, it's me, Rose."
"You're not Rose. Rose just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.
"Rose! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.
"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."
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-------------------------
Rose and Barb
-------------------------
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there."
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."
"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Barb, it's me, Rose."
"You're not Rose. Rose just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.
"Rose! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.
"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."
-------------------------
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