JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th February, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Stuck Jeep
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During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy
back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a
red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked
the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the
keys, "*Yours* is."
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Wednesday, February 12, 2020
Tuesday, February 11, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th February, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th February, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Chauffeur
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The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine
to the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if
he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the
roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.
The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to
see what the limo could do.
Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side
mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in
through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call
in."
The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very
important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?"
asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! This
guy is even more important!"
"Is it the President?" asked the chief.
"No! Even more important!"
"Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.
"I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his
chauffeur."
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-------------------------
The Chauffeur
-------------------------
The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine
to the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if
he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the
roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.
The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to
see what the limo could do.
Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side
mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in
through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call
in."
The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very
important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?"
asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! This
guy is even more important!"
"Is it the President?" asked the chief.
"No! Even more important!"
"Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.
"I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his
chauffeur."
-------------------------
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Thursday, February 6, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th February, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th February, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Spoon
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Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use
the spoon."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Spoon
-------------------------
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use
the spoon."
-------------------------
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Wednesday, February 5, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th February, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th February, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Actual Ads from the New York Times
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FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES.
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL, 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG.
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT ... BEEN OUT AWHILE .. BETTER
BE A REWARD.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED ... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.
HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE &DONUTS.
FOR SALE: ONE MAN SIX WOMAN HOT TUB
(AND THE BEST ONE) . .
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica - no longer
needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Actual Ads from the New York Times
-------------------------
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES.
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL, 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG.
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT ... BEEN OUT AWHILE .. BETTER
BE A REWARD.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED ... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.
HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE &DONUTS.
FOR SALE: ONE MAN SIX WOMAN HOT TUB
(AND THE BEST ONE) . .
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica - no longer
needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
-------------------------
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Thursday, January 30, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th January, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th January, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Anaconda Attacks
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This is true !! It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you.
Excerpt is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for volunteers working in the Amazon Jungle.
Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake species in the world. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs 300 to 400 pounds.
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet end - always from the feet end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic!
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees, slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Anaconda Attacks
-------------------------
This is true !! It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you.
Excerpt is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for volunteers working in the Amazon Jungle.
Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake species in the world. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs 300 to 400 pounds.
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet end - always from the feet end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic!
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees, slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
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Wednesday, January 29, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th January, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th January, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Love Line
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Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he
decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said
the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can
read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his
open palm and said, "I can see that you have no
girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can
you tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Love Line
-------------------------
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he
decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said
the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can
read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his
open palm and said, "I can see that you have no
girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can
you tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."
-------------------------
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Tuesday, January 28, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th January, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th January, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Thunderstorm
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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled. "I can't dear," she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
The little boy replied with a shaking voice, "The big sissy."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Thunderstorm
-------------------------
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled. "I can't dear," she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
The little boy replied with a shaking voice, "The big sissy."
-------------------------
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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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