Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Blonde Miracle Diet
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An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Blonde Sayings
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I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
Alicia Silverstone

"Once someone asked me three words that best describe me and I said 'Loud, Louder, and Loudest.'"
Anastacia

"I am beautiful, famous and gorgeous. I could have any man in the world."
Anna Kournikova

"He wanted to make me happy. My wish was his command."
Anna Nicole Smith

"Doesn't that hurt?" (on suicide bombers)
Anna Nicole Smith

"I'm not crazy, but it's a crazy life. I was raised in a crazy family and it took 31 years to get the crazy out of me."
Anne Heche

"What's so beautiful about breasts is their uniqueness. I don't understand the obsession with fakeness. It's a very odd thing, isn't it, to prefer fake and big to small and unique or just beautiful and real."
Anne Heche

"I trip and I burp and I fart, like everybody else."
Britney Spears

"I don't believe in sex before marriage. I go out with boys, and we kiss, but that's it."
Britney Spears

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
Britney Spears

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Bill of Rights
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Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated
exchange during a trial. The judge asked both
lawyers to approach the bench.

"Your Honor," said Bob, "I objected because my
distinguished colleague Bill was badgering the
witness. It is obvious he has never heard of the
Bill of Rights."

"Rubbish!" snapped Bill. "I happen to know them by heart."

Bob rolled his eyes in disbelief. "Do you now?
Well, Bill, I have a hundred dollars that says
you can't even tell me the first few words."

Bill smirked and accepted the challenge and
began, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."

"Damn," Bob interrupted, fishing the money from
his pocket, "I didn't think you'd know it."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Short Cut
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A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem... How to carry his entire purchases home.

The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went.

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane.

The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane." We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time".

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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50 Years of Marriage
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An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.?"

"Yes," he replies. "Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."

"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"

So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Marriage Rules
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Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and
don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any
comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or
not."

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Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Old Friend's Home
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A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing
terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc.

The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been
married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the
kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that
after all the years you've been married, you still call your
wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot
her name about ten years ago."

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Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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