JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Addicted
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Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn
1. During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.
2. His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue
dispenser.
3. When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."
4. Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."
5. He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.
6. When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."
7. You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned
into his corneas.
8. As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.
9. During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"
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Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th May, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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My Daughter is a Good Girl
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A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.
I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
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My Daughter is a Good Girl
-------------------------
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.
I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
-------------------------
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Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th May, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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John the Farmer
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John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called
pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to
fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any
rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and
was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set
of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each
bell had a different tone so John could tell from a
distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could
sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very
fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular
morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at
all! John went to investigate. The other roosters
were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in
his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a
pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John
was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county
fair.
Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result: the judges not only awarded Butch the
"No BellPiece Prize" but they also awarded him the
"Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a Politician in the making. Who
else but a politician could figure out how to win two
of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by
being the best at sneaking up on the populace and
screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
-------------------------
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John the Farmer
-------------------------
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called
pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to
fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any
rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and
was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set
of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each
bell had a different tone so John could tell from a
distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could
sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very
fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular
morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at
all! John went to investigate. The other roosters
were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in
his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a
pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John
was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county
fair.
Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result: the judges not only awarded Butch the
"No BellPiece Prize" but they also awarded him the
"Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a Politician in the making. Who
else but a politician could figure out how to win two
of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by
being the best at sneaking up on the populace and
screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
-------------------------
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Monday, May 28, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th May, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Accident
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After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
in a wheelchair.
Although the insurance company doctor testified that his bones had healed
properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the judge decided for the
plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
When he was wheeled into the insurance company office to collect his check,
Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
"My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to Stockholm,
Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes--where,
gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle!"
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-------------------------
Accident
-------------------------
After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
in a wheelchair.
Although the insurance company doctor testified that his bones had healed
properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the judge decided for the
plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
When he was wheeled into the insurance company office to collect his check,
Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"
"My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to Stockholm,
Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes--where,
gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle!"
-------------------------
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Sunday, May 27, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th May, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Organic
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My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.
I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These
vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any
poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to
do that yourself."
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Organic
-------------------------
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.
I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These
vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any
poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to
do that yourself."
-------------------------
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Saturday, May 26, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th May, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Lumberyard
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Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the
buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his
fingers. He goes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll
see what I can do."
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the
fingers? It's 1999. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and
made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."
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Lumberyard
-------------------------
Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the
buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his
fingers. He goes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll
see what I can do."
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the
fingers? It's 1999. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and
made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."
-------------------------
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Friday, May 25, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th May, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Old Explorer
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A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"
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-------------------------
The Old Explorer
-------------------------
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"
-------------------------
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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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