JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Sunburn
-------------------------
A man was laying on his back and fell asleep on the beach under the
noon day sun. He suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the
hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started
to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor
prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes,
a mild sedative and Viagra.
Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in
that condition?"
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off of his legs."
-------------------------
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Sunday, August 31, 2014
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th August, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Five Horses Is Her Name
-------------------------
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife.What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered,"It is an old Indian name. It means ...."
"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Five Horses Is Her Name
-------------------------
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife.What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered,"It is an old Indian name. It means ...."
"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"
-------------------------
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Friday, August 29, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th August, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Bathtub Test
-------------------------
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the
criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
bed near the window?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Bathtub Test
-------------------------
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the
criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
bed near the window?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
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Thursday, August 28, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th August, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Rules for Bank Robbers
-------------------------
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated
and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who
apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information
was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank,"
by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras,
76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bank
before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the
loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with
examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the
fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in
business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too
familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making
his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan.
One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and
down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing
police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup
note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the
ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back
of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope
bearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford,
Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and
account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to
hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he
showed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note
saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The
teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment
on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it
accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank
robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing
stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing
attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who
took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up
to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered the
security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's
car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most
quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing
the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out,
not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and
Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while
trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in
the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal
in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted.
He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for
example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank
holdups reported.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Rules for Bank Robbers
-------------------------
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated
and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who
apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information
was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank,"
by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras,
76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bank
before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the
loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with
examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the
fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in
business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too
familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making
his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan.
One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and
down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing
police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup
note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the
ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back
of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope
bearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford,
Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and
account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to
hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he
showed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note
saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The
teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment
on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it
accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank
robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing
stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing
attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who
took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up
to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered the
security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's
car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most
quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing
the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out,
not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and
Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while
trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in
the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal
in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted.
He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for
example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank
holdups reported.
-------------------------
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Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th August, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Outhouse
-------------------------
Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin around when she hollars out... "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, " there ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is now git out there and fix it."
So... Pa mosies out to the outhouse, look's around and yell's back, " there ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!"
Pa yell's back "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!"
Ma says "ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, pa sticks his head in the hole and looks around and yells back,
"Ma there ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollars back, " now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, " Ma!
Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the Toilet seat!"
To which ma replies "Hurt's , don't it?!
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Outhouse
-------------------------
Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin around when she hollars out... "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, " there ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is now git out there and fix it."
So... Pa mosies out to the outhouse, look's around and yell's back, " there ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!"
Pa yell's back "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!"
Ma says "ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, pa sticks his head in the hole and looks around and yells back,
"Ma there ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollars back, " now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, " Ma!
Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the Toilet seat!"
To which ma replies "Hurt's , don't it?!
-------------------------
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Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th August, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Too Hot
-------------------------
It's just too hot to wear clothes today,"
complained a man to his wife as he stepped
out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think
the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn
like this?"
she replied. "Probably that I married you for
your money."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Too Hot
-------------------------
It's just too hot to wear clothes today,"
complained a man to his wife as he stepped
out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think
the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn
like this?"
she replied. "Probably that I married you for
your money."
-------------------------
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Monday, August 25, 2014
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th August, 2014
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Traffic School
-------------------------
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Traffic School
-------------------------
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
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