JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st March, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Quotes on Sex
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"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004; Thanks for all the laughs)
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
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Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Monday, March 30, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th March, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th March, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Mixing Room
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A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory,
and once all the mess has been cleared up, and
inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make
a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator,
"you were near the scene, what happened?"
"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins
was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a
cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator
said in stunned horror, "How long had he been
with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir"
"20 years in the company, then he goes and
strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought
it would have been the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir."
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-------------------------
The Mixing Room
-------------------------
A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory,
and once all the mess has been cleared up, and
inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make
a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator,
"you were near the scene, what happened?"
"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins
was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a
cigarette out of his pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator
said in stunned horror, "How long had he been
with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir"
"20 years in the company, then he goes and
strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought
it would have been the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir."
-------------------------
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Sunday, March 29, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th March, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th March, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Magazine
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One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a
bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the
magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it
and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
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Magazine
-------------------------
One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a
bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the
magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it
and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
-------------------------
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Saturday, March 28, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th March, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th March, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Magnet
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Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."
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Magnet
-------------------------
Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."
-------------------------
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Friday, March 27, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th March, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th March, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Hardware Store
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Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he
sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw
a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager,
to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot.
Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lottamoney!" Mary exclaimed. Then she
proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy,
and Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Hardware Store
-------------------------
Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he
sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw
a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager,
to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot.
Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lottamoney!" Mary exclaimed. Then she
proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy,
and Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.
-------------------------
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Thursday, March 26, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th March, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th March, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Driver's Permit
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A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and
enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use
of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll
talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and
settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about
six weeks they went in to the study, where his father
said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your
grades up, and I've observed that you have been
studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in
the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed,
since you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said,
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had
long hair and there's even a strong argument that
Jesus had long hair also."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they
all walked everywhere they went?"
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-------------------------
Driver's Permit
-------------------------
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and
enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use
of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll
talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and
settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about
six weeks they went in to the study, where his father
said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your
grades up, and I've observed that you have been
studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in
the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed,
since you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said,
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had
long hair and there's even a strong argument that
Jesus had long hair also."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they
all walked everywhere they went?"
-------------------------
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Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th March, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th March, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Top 13 Worst Slogan Translations Ever
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13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."
11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
10) Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
9) Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6) Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"(el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
3) The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"
2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn't Go".
1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela" meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."
-------------------------
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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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-------------------------
Top 13 Worst Slogan Translations Ever
-------------------------
13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."
11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
10) Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
9) Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6) Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"(el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
3) The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"
2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn't Go".
1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela" meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."
-------------------------
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