JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Cough
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The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.
I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
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Sunday, May 31, 2015
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th May, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Windows
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Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument.
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Windows
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Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument.
-------------------------
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Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th May, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Hole
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The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After
the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had
been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.
The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He
couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a
mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.
The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only
one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"
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The Hole
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The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After
the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had
been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.
The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He
couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a
mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.
The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only
one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"
-------------------------
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Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th May, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Tough Back Nine
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Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.
The other three gathered around him and asked: "What's wrong?"
Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."
One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"
Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice,
"This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when
she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."
"Oh my God", the other golfers said. "That must have been horrible!"
"Horrible?! You think it`s horrible?" Bob continued still very distressed. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of
the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."
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Tough Back Nine
-------------------------
Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.
The other three gathered around him and asked: "What's wrong?"
Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."
One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"
Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice,
"This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when
she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."
"Oh my God", the other golfers said. "That must have been horrible!"
"Horrible?! You think it`s horrible?" Bob continued still very distressed. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of
the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."
-------------------------
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Monday, May 25, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th May, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Clueless
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Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't
even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have
to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I
may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States.
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Clueless
-------------------------
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't
even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have
to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I
may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States.
-------------------------
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Sunday, May 24, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th May, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Evangelical TV
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Grandpa and grandma were watching the television
evangelical show and the preacher said, if the
viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one
hand on the television set and the other hand
on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television
set, placed her right hand on the set and her
left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was
causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed
his right hand on the set and his left hand on
his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you
just don't get it. The purpose of doing this
is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."
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-------------------------
Evangelical TV
-------------------------
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television
evangelical show and the preacher said, if the
viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one
hand on the television set and the other hand
on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television
set, placed her right hand on the set and her
left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was
causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed
his right hand on the set and his left hand on
his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you
just don't get it. The purpose of doing this
is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."
-------------------------
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Saturday, May 23, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd May, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd May, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Annual Physical
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70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are very close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
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Annual Physical
-------------------------
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are very close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
-------------------------
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