JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Murphy's Travel Laws
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No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence just as soon as you touch pen to paper.
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the washroom.
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard
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Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th November, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Entrance Exam
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When young, I decided to go to Medical School.
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange
the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important
human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who said SPINE are doctors today.
The rest of us went to flight school..
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-------------------------
Entrance Exam
-------------------------
When young, I decided to go to Medical School.
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange
the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important
human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who said SPINE are doctors today.
The rest of us went to flight school..
-------------------------
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Monday, November 28, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th November, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Becoming A Monk
-------------------------
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a
monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke
down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his
car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A
sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly
seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't
sleep that night.
He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making
such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the
sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes
back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that
beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many
blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When
you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and
knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken
before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the
earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a
state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can
know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and
willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall
now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
"The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden
door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the
stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so
it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become
very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the
last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that
door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly
pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to
discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Becoming A Monk
-------------------------
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a
monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke
down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his
car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A
sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly
seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't
sleep that night.
He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making
such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the
sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes
back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that
beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many
blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When
you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and
knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken
before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the
earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a
state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can
know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and
willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall
now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
"The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden
door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the
stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so
it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become
very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the
last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that
door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly
pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to
discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
-------------------------
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Sunday, November 27, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th November, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Puns, For the Educated Mind
-------------------------
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
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-------------------------
Puns, For the Educated Mind
-------------------------
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
-------------------------
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Saturday, November 26, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th November, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Modern Proverbs
-------------------------
a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going
to a garage makes you a mechanic.
c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious
i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.
l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way
again.
m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.
o.. Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.
p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.
y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when
I'm in the bathroom.
z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.
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-------------------------
Modern Proverbs
-------------------------
a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going
to a garage makes you a mechanic.
c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious
i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.
l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way
again.
m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.
o.. Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.
p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.
y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when
I'm in the bathroom.
z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.
-------------------------
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Friday, November 25, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th November, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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You Know It's Time to Diet When...
-------------------------
* You dance and it makes the band skip.
* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
* Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
* You could sell shade.
* Your blood type is Ragu.
* You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
You Know It's Time to Diet When...
-------------------------
* You dance and it makes the band skip.
* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
* Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
* You could sell shade.
* Your blood type is Ragu.
* You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
-------------------------
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Thursday, November 24, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th November, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Grudges
-------------------------
My mother says she never holds grudges but then
will blindside you with something that happened
years ago.
Last week she said, "You know, you really hurt me
on your birthday."
And I was like, "Which birthday was that?"
So she replied, "The first one. You have a really
big head, you know."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Grudges
-------------------------
My mother says she never holds grudges but then
will blindside you with something that happened
years ago.
Last week she said, "You know, you really hurt me
on your birthday."
And I was like, "Which birthday was that?"
So she replied, "The first one. You have a really
big head, you know."
-------------------------
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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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