JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Glass Eye
-------------------------
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies...
... "You just happened to catch my eye
-------------------------
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Friday, March 31, 2017
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th March, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Justin & Christian
-------------------------
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns
were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin & the
other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by
sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to
Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark,
then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted"
& lo & behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being
eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark
boring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever
he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing
appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again
& he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back
into a prawn. He approached the cod & begged to be changed
back, & lo & behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
friends & bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see
his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the
enemy & became a shark",came the reply.
Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, he
set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He
banged on the door & shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend,
come out & see me again."
Christian replied,"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark,
the enemy, & I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....
I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Justin & Christian
-------------------------
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns
were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin & the
other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by
sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to
Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark,
then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted"
& lo & behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being
eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark
boring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever
he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing
appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again
& he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back
into a prawn. He approached the cod & begged to be changed
back, & lo & behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
friends & bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see
his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the
enemy & became a shark",came the reply.
Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, he
set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He
banged on the door & shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend,
come out & see me again."
Christian replied,"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark,
the enemy, & I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....
I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."
-------------------------
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Wednesday, March 29, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th March, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Gossip
-------------------------
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.
You gotta love George.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Gossip
-------------------------
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.
You gotta love George.
-------------------------
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Tuesday, March 28, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th March, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Dear Abby
-------------------------
Dear Abby Admitted She Was At A Loss To Answer The Following!
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man
go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and
Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even
sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with
him.
Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never
happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I
get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an
hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he
drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going
through mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a
doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember these people can vote, which probably explains the current
situation in Washington, DC.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Dear Abby
-------------------------
Dear Abby Admitted She Was At A Loss To Answer The Following!
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man
go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and
Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even
sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with
him.
Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never
happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I
get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an
hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he
drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going
through mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a
doctor. Now what do I do?
Remember these people can vote, which probably explains the current
situation in Washington, DC.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
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Monday, March 27, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th March, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Signs Found In The Kitchen
-------------------------
So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your
standards.
Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down,
converse.
It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even
worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is
delirious.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they
shall never cease to be amused.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and
gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending
machines.
I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a
speed bump.
Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess.
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Signs Found In The Kitchen
-------------------------
So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your
standards.
Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down,
converse.
It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even
worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is
delirious.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they
shall never cease to be amused.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and
gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending
machines.
I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a
speed bump.
Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess.
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
-------------------------
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Sunday, March 26, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th March, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Newspaper Headlines
-------------------------
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
* Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
* Eye Drops off Shelf
* Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
* Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
* Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
* Stolen Painting Found by Tree
* Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
* Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
* Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
* If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
* Deer Kill 17,000
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
* Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
* British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
* Air Head Fired
* Steals Clock, Faces Time
* Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under-sheriff
* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
* Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
* Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
* Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
* Include your Children when Baking Cookies
* Marv Albert Gets Pink Slip
* Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
* Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
* Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
* Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Newspaper Headlines
-------------------------
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
* Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
* Eye Drops off Shelf
* Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
* Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
* Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
* Stolen Painting Found by Tree
* Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
* Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
* Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
* If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
* Deer Kill 17,000
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
* Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
* British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
* Air Head Fired
* Steals Clock, Faces Time
* Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under-sheriff
* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
* Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
* Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
* Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
* Include your Children when Baking Cookies
* Marv Albert Gets Pink Slip
* Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
* Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
* Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
* Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
-------------------------
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Saturday, March 25, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th March, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Anaconda
-------------------------
This is true !! It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you.
Excerpt is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for volunteers working in the Amazon Jungle.
Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake species in the world. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs 300 to 400 pounds.
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet end - always from the feet end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic!
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees, slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Anaconda
-------------------------
This is true !! It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you.
Excerpt is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for volunteers working in the Amazon Jungle.
Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake species in the world. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs 300 to 400 pounds.
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet end - always from the feet end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic!
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees, slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.
-------------------------
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