JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th February, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Bumper Stickers
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*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
*I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
*WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
*Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
*IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
*Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
*Hang up and drive.
*I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
*Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
*It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
*Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
*Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
*Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
*If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of car payments.
*I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.
*Never take life seriously.
*Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
*Never knock on Death's door: Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)
*I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
*You have the right to remain silent.
*Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
*You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
*The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
*Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
*If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
*The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
*Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
*Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
*CATS: The other white meat
*I'm an imbecile and I vote
*Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
*If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
*Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
*WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
*If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
*Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
*You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you!
*You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
*Grow your own dope, plant a man
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Wednesday, February 13, 2019
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th February, 2019
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th February, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Busy Bus Stop
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In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again,
and much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip
a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and
placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."
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-------------------------
Busy Bus Stop
-------------------------
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again,
and much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip
a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and
placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."
-------------------------
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Tuesday, April 3, 2018
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd April, 2018
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd April, 2018 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Deer Camp
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Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, Same thing happens again, his hair is standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn't believe it!
He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."
-------------------------
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Deer Camp
-------------------------
Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, Same thing happens again, his hair is standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn't believe it!
He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."
-------------------------
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Saturday, February 3, 2018
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd February, 2018
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd February, 2018 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Massage
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I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is $ex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic,...... but for an outside line Sir, you need to press 9."
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Massage
-------------------------
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is $ex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic,...... but for an outside line Sir, you need to press 9."
-------------------------
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Thursday, February 1, 2018
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st January, 2018
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st January, 2018 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Rider
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After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting.
Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?
The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders.
The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.
The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.
The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.
The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.
The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.
He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"
The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.
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-------------------------
Rider
-------------------------
After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting.
Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?
The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders.
The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.
The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.
The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.
The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.
The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.
He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"
The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.
-------------------------
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Wednesday, January 31, 2018
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th January, 2018
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th January, 2018 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Good Advice from Maxine
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People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
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Good Advice from Maxine
-------------------------
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
-------------------------
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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Sunday, January 28, 2018
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th January, 2018
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th January, 2018 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Car Accident
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I rear- ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Well, i couldnt believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, " Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
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Car Accident
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I rear- ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Well, i couldnt believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, " Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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