Funny Jokes Corner

Friday, July 21, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Aging with a Smile
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Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few
drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as
it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are
just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we
get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs.
The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they
haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child
playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.






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Thursday, July 20, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Marriage Phrases
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There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -Marriage quotes2// Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.




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Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Last Request
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Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "




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Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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EMS
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From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS
narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective
immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations
to describe patients, such as the following.

a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH
(messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA
(had it before, got it again).
b.. Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use
CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go
boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly,
descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative
vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not
considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
g.. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal
intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws
up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling
the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our
patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives
and log entries.







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Monday, July 17, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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New York Girl
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A girl from New York and a girl from the west coast were seated side by
side on an airplane.

The girl from New York, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya from?"

The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to
use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from New York, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:

"So, where ya from.... bitch?"




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Sunday, July 16, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Funny Headlines
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The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers. The irony
in some of these are absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (though
sometimes awkward). Check them out:

- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Eye Drops Off Shelf
- Teachers Strike Idle Kids
- Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died




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Friday, July 14, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Math
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Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The
cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots
representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of
production contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset
of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the
set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80
and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you
think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after
answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger
cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80
to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising
his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because
this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 2010:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when
demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut
back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3
weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The
contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 2017:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian
subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid
half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl,
and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted
owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for
exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts
the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of
the lobbying costs?






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