Funny Jokes Corner

Sunday, October 22, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Marriage Counseling
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A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years
they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to
stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your
wife needs at least three times a week Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop
her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday's, I fish!




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Saturday, October 21, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Occupations
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Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

Statistician - Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

Schoolteacher - A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.







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Friday, October 20, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Mississippi Student Absentees
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I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out
loud! These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi school
district. (Spellings have been left intact.)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take
P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and
I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John Henry being absent
on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33

Please excuse Gloria Jean from Jim today. She is
administrating

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.
Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken
out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he playing
football. He hurt in the growing part.

Ethel Pearl could not come to school today because she
has been bothered by very close veins.

Please xcuse LeRoy from school, he ain't got no rain
cot and it was missing rain.

Please excuse Bowdiddly fom school cause he uncle
died. Bow say, "I sho glad it want me."

Lugene will not be in school cus he has an acre in his
side .

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very
loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He
had(diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the s----. [Words were
crossed out in the ( )'s}

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He
had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his
bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's
fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas
shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.
We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it
Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a weak from Friday. We have
to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was
tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Willie being absent yesterday. He had a
cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary Ann for being absent yestitty. She
was in bed with gramps.

Lizie was absent yesterday as she was having a
gangover.

Please excuse Brenda, she been sick and under the
doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a
fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,
fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached
all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be
something going around, her father even got hot last night.






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Thursday, October 19, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Buy a Dog
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If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first
tearing it apart to remove the sports section
Buy a dog.


If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the
joy of seeing you
Buy a dog.


If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and
never says its not quite as good as his mother made it
Buy a dog


If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as
long and wherever you want
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care
about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm
your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
Buy a dog.


If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if
you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin , young or old, who acts as if every
word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you
unconditionally, perpetually
Buy a dog.


But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when
you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over
the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home
to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to
ensure his happiness...


Then.................


Buy a cat...




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Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Ponderisms
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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?






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Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Annual Senior Citizen Test
-------------------------

It's that time of year to take our annual senior
citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important
as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's
important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use
it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge
your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're
losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't
see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your
mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up
now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk"

What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next
question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content
yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto
World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from
blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house
is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why
the heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to
Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided
into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the
flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining
engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally
crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between
East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East
Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you
said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In
Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four
get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea
, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen,
six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Now pass this along to all your friends and
pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!




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Monday, October 16, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Earring
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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

(I always wondered how this trend got started.)




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