Funny Jokes Corner

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Hiking
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Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.

Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.

His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"







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Monday, August 21, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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FHA Loan
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A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

(Actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S. , from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain

The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

The loan was approved.





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Sunday, August 20, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Getting Married
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One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."




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Saturday, August 19, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Golf
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In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with
clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized
society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and
not too often.

There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons,
practice constantly -- or start cheating.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice -
once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot
count, criticize or laugh.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those
in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play
eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were
taken.





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Friday, August 18, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Lecture
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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where
he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out
late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of
night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Don't take life too seriously..........no one makes it out alive anyway!!!




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Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Dilbert's Words of Wisdom
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1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound the make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"

12. My Reality Check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.




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Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Actual Lines from Resumes
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I am very detail-oreinted.

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

I am sicking and entry-level position.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.

If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.

My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.

You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!

I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.

Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.

Please disregard the attached resume—it is terribly out of date.

Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.

Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.

Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.

My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.

Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

I am a rabid typist.

Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.

I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.

Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.

I worked as a Corporate Lesion.

Special Skills: Speak English.

Served as assistant sore manager.

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.

Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.

Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis



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