Friday, February 28, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Operating Room
-------------------------

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."



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Thursday, February 27, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Gift
-------------------------

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"



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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Doctor's Visit
-------------------------

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.

After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded,

"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:

"Does she still have the hiccups?"





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Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ole Blue
-------------------------

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way
through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his
parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't
believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why,
they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole
Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in
that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him
into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls
his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe
this they've had such good results with this program that they've
implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him
in that program? "

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the
money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will
find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all
excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read
something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back
in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he
turned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with that
little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks
to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"




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Monday, February 24, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Roe vs. Wade
-------------------------

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington
had to make before he crossed the Delaware."








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Sunday, February 23, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Amish Lady
-------------------------

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked the husband.

"He said the reflector is broken." replied the Amish lady.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asked the husband.

The wife replied, "I'm not sure, Jacob . . . Something about the emergency brake."









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Saturday, February 22, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Vet Solves a Problem
-------------------------

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did
some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state
line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced
lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows
like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move
away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from
the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset
and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount
our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves
forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt
from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy
this cow in Illinois?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they
bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know
we got the cow in Illinois?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from
Illinois."





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Friday, February 21, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Adam
-------------------------

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a
woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and
when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you.

And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a
disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children.

And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and p!!!ion
whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"





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Thursday, February 20, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Little Sausage
-------------------------

for All Those Men Who Say,
"Why Buy The Cow When You Get The Milk For Free"

Here's An Update For You...

Nowaday 80% Of Women Are Against Marriage. Why?

Because Women Realize It's Not Worth Buying An Entire Pig,
Just To Get A Little Sausage.





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Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Moped
-------------------------

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new
Ferrari GTO It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it
costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to
him.The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,
"What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man.
"Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!"
states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then,
sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice
car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old
man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds,
the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear what it could be and suddenly.

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be
going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors
the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and
passes the moped at 210 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the
old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and
takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.

Not ten seconds later,he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing
the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and ,unbelievably , the old
man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says,
"Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."






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Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Moral of the Story
-------------------------

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Judy when she's been drinking."



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Monday, February 17, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Mommy Test
-------------------------

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.




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Sunday, February 16, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
It's All In the "Good Book"
-------------------------

In my mature years, I'm finally beginning to understand the Bible!
For those who haven't heard, the State of Washington just passed two
laws:

* Same-sex Marriage
* Legalized Marijuana

The fact that same-sex marriage and marijuana were legalized on the
same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says:

"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

I just hadn't interpreted it correctly before.




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Friday, February 14, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Scientific Fact
-------------------------


Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the
frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses
and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed
ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

Preosllnay I tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese......





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Thursday, February 13, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Clarence
-------------------------

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.

He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence?

He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"




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Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ultimate Rejection Letter
-------------------------

Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen




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Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New British Invention
-------------------------

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.
This is a major breakthrough. Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.



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Monday, February 10, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Totally Bats
-------------------------

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.
After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."

After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"

The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"

Other bat says, "I didn't."



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Sunday, February 9, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Not Afraid
-------------------------

A few minutes before the church services started, the
congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to
get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was
empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly
in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the
fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know
who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked
Satan.

Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man,
in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying
agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't
you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for
48 years.'









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Friday, February 7, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gram's Basket
-------------------------

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her
date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her
grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to
dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are
modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and
out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the
grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The
teenager wants to die. She explains to her
grandmother that she has friends coming over and that
it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your
rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."




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Thursday, February 6, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Jury Duty
-------------------------

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused
because she believes she's prejudice.

"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I
immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."

"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."





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Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
First Seminar
-------------------------

The psychiatrists were attending their
first seminar on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the leader,
"Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"

"Elation."

"And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?"

Bubba replied, "I believe that would be giddyup."



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Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gentle Thoughts for Today
-------------------------

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.

Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."




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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gentle Thoughts for Today
-------------------------

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.

Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."




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Monday, February 3, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
$20
-------------------------

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, There are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"'Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?' You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes."

"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK? Good Luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?''

"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."




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Sunday, February 2, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ten Times Normal
-------------------------

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body
part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be
asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and
they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is
she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part
that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As
for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."






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Saturday, February 1, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st February, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st February, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Food Spoilage Guide, A Guide For The Rest Of Us!
-------------------------

Finally, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT
It never spoils.

CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.




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