Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th September, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th September, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Golden Wedding Anniversary
-------------------------

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen
when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their
Golden Wedding Anniversary.

"Let's have a big party, Homer," she suggested. "You'll need to kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered,
"I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened
fifty years ago."

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Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th September, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th September, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Long Term Health Insurance
-------------------------

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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Monday, September 28, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th September, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th September, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
#2 Pencil
-------------------------

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School
Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and
Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,
Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that
thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted.

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Friday, September 25, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th September, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th September, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Why We Miss Rodney Dangerfield
-------------------------

Because he said ...

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache!

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?'
He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

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Thursday, September 24, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th September, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th September, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sunday Morning Church Service
-------------------------

At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the
congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his
scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors
didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every
movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a
very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned
out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum,
and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably
as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six
weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time,
his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to
say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that
the word is sternum."

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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd September, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd September, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hmmm.........
-------------------------

A very old couple that have been married forever are sitting on their porch one night.
Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband, knocking him off the porch
and into the bushes.

He crawls back up and asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "For having a little pecker."

He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the other side of the porch and
into the bushes. She crawls back and asks, "What was that for?"

He replies, "For knowing there was more than one size."

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Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd September, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd September, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Pelosi and the Pope
-------------------------

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

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Monday, September 21, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st September, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st September, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Secret to Long Life
-------------------------

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every evening at 9 p.m. I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter then asked, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "Well, canceling my voyage on Titanic sure didn't hurt."

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Sunday, September 20, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th September, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th September, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Make It a Scotch
-------------------------

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"

The guy answers, "A scotch, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

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Saturday, September 19, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th September, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th September, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Talks Too Much
-------------------------

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

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Friday, September 18, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th September, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th September, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Excuses for Missing Work
-------------------------

1. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

4. My stigmata's acting up.

5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Dodgers, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

13. I prefer to remain an enigma.

14. My step-mother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

15. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

16. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

18. I refuse to travel to my job
until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

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Thursday, September 17, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th September, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th September, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Minister and the Taxi Driver
-------------------------

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed
in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you
to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles
and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's
for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter
the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.

"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th September, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th September, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Only A Man Would Try This
-------------------------

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . . . . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, lovedthe gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!


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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th September, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th September, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Tardy Bagpiper
-------------------------

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play
at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no
family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote
countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to
rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I
became lost and being a typical man, did not stop
for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the
backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the
hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped
to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid
already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold
them up for long but this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch.
I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and
I played like I'd never played before, from 'Going
Home' and 'The Lord is My Shepherd' to 'Flowers of
the Forest.' I closed the lengthy session with
'Amazing Grace' and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat,
I overheard one of the workers saying to another,
"Man, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've
been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."

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Monday, September 14, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th September, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th September, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
How Yodelling Began
-------------------------

Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland .
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up
to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the
farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'

'That fellow travelling through,' said the farmer, 'needs a place to stay
for the night, so I told him he could sleep in the barn.'

The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of
food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the
daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight
up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the
man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,
and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse
buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his
journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke
into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying good-bye,' she cried.
'We made such passionate love last night!'

'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for
the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my
daughter!'

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his
mouth, and yelled out.....

'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO'

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Saturday, September 12, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th September, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th September, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Insults, When They had Class
-------------------------

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure" -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend. If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill followed by Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one."

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

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Thursday, September 10, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th September, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th September, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blonde at the Country Club
-------------------------

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling,the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'

The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'

The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!


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Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th September, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th September, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Medicare Coverage In a Nutshell
-------------------------

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

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Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th September, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th September, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Test
-------------------------

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.

This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right..


While at the funeral of her own mother, a woman met a man who she did not know. She thought he was 'amazing'. She believed him to be her dream partner so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.

A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What was her motive for killing her sister?

Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below..






Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.

This was a test developed by a famous American psychologist, used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.

Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly... If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list.


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Thursday, September 3, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd September, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd September, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Minimum Wage
-------------------------

A man owned a small Ranch In Texas. The Texas Work Force Department claimed
he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay
him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all
the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy
him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Rancher.


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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd September, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd September, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Problem
-------------------------

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

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Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st September, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st September, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
American vs Russian
-------------------------

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."


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