Monday, September 30, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Time Tested
-------------------------

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ...
Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain

By all means, marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which,
if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~ Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink ...
and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth
or the fourteenth.
~George Burns

The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good ... spit it out.
~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal






-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130930

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Outhouse
-------------------------

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....

"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells
back,

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,

"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies,...... "Hurt's, don't it ?!"






-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130929

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
I Love Mustard
-------------------------

(This is supposedly a true story.)

If you have children you will probably relate to this father.

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a
fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of very expensive, light
brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the
picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was
stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our
six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was
reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of
mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time
I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in
each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it
on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife
said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"






-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130928

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Friday, September 27, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Short Cut
-------------------------

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem... How to carry his entire purchases home.

The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went.

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane.

The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane." We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time".

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130927

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Anal Glaucoma
-------------------------

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

he says,"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

she replies,"I can't see my ass coming into work today."





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130926

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Roe vs. Wade
-------------------------

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington
had to make before he crossed the Delaware."








-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130925

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Date
-------------------------


A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as the
guy makes his move."I`m a hooker".

The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at
it. After they finish, the guy says,"Now I should be honest too. I`m a cab driver and its going to cost you
$25 to get back to town".







-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130924

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Monday, September 23, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bumper Stickers
-------------------------



All you need is a sick mind and a healthy body.

Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.


Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.


Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!

Are you stoned or just stupid?


We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.


I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha!

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?






-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130923

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Nail Above the Stall
-------------------------

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one. This one right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130922

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Half a Head of Lettuce
-------------------------

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No sh*t?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130921

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Friday, September 20, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
My Best Friend
-------------------------

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots
of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for
over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's
going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man
replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles,
and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"



-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130920

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Replacement Windows
-------------------------

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who had installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago
and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because
I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last
year, "that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year!", I told him.

There was only silence
at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never
called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.



-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130919

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
McDonalds
-------------------------

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a
beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve
beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the
jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look,
and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."






-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130918

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Tax Deductions
-------------------------




Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement
to make it better. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to
the IRS the midst of 1995s weird and bizarre denial of dependents,
exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.

Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you!

I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are
evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer
my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what
to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next
year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put
her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about
their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper
her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year
she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be
responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind
that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice
of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or
getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh
joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged
mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of
abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always
uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the
future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather
good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little
closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was
awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat
home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like
him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do
almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye,
what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as
he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the
cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the
vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This
is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives
in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls,
explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find
telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900
and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by
magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came
from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals,
and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my
taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked On
Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's the good news!
You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are
denying me! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other
two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the
curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech
pathologist who has her roll her "r's". It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish
touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of
her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that
worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you
come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would
be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to
pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I
will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you
take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather
becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad
about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your
decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on
my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an
airplane.

Yours truly,
Bob

(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130917

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Monday, September 16, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Fly That Couldn't Fly
-------------------------

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.


The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of sh*t.





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130916

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Oklahoma Fan
-------------------------

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-free back to school shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an Oklahoma jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Sooner fan and I would like to wear this to school".

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to mother".

Off goes the little lad with the Oklahoma jersey in hand and finds his mother.

"Mom?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this jersey".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!"

Off he goes with the Oklahoma Jersey in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this jersey".

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT CRAP!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home.

The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

To which the son replies, "I've only been a Oklahoma fan for an hour and I already hate you Texas fans.




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130915

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Genius
-------------------------

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.



(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss US A contest.


"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
-- A congressional candidate in Texas .


"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
-- A l Gore, Vice President


"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle


"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca


"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.


"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.


"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery


"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130914

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Friday, September 13, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Wrong Choice
-------------------------

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.

He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled
on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way
out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds
or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services are pending.




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130913

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
90 Year Old Patient
-------------------------

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130912

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marriage Rules
-------------------------

Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and
don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any
comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or
not."






-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130911

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Where is Harry?
-------------------------

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into
pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under
a hugh buck.

"Where's Harry?", asked another hunter.

"He fainted a couple miles up the trail," Harry's partner
answered.

"You left him lying there alone and carried
the deer back?"

"It was a tough decision," said the hunter. "But I figured
no one is going to steal Harry."





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130910

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Monday, September 9, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Vasectomy
-------------------------

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a
sex change rather than a vasectomy"

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"

The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."






-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130909

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Wrong Approach
-------------------------
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.

I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."

His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say 'WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works every time!"





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130908

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cold Cream
-------------------------

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face..

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"



-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130907

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Friday, September 6, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Life's Insights
-------------------------

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley
(lead Riverdancer)

2. (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll
never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own
jars." - Bruce Willis

3. "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on
Satan.'" - George Burns

4. "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'" - Sandra Bullock

5. "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a
twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out
there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and
the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'" -Jason Alexander (from
Seinfeld)

6. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -Carmen Boyle (Olympic
Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)

7. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Henry
Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)

8. "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the
natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Dan Rather (News anchorman)

9. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
'Thyroid problem?'" - Arnold Schwarzenegger

10. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're
in." - Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

11. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods

12. "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently
doing quite well for themselves." - Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

13. "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Axel Rose
(Guns'n'Roses)

14. "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment
turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Rev. Jesse Jackson

15. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack
Nicholson





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130906

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Farmer John
-------------------------

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The
traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a
rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so
fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next
day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to
do something about these drivers. The 'school
crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
workers and they put up a new
sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the
sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer
John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to
complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to
give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you
put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed
since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought
to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it
might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff
drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the
sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY


GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130905

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Borrow a Newspaper
-------------------------

I was visiting my
granddaughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a
newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she
said. We don't waste money
on newspapers. Here, use my
iPad."

I can tell you this. That fly never knew
what hit him.






-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130904

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Mental
-------------------------

During a visit to a hospital for the mentally infirm, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the smart-arsed visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"



-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130903

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Monday, September 2, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd September, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd September, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Three Envelopes
-------------------------

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the
manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing
manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in
the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis
you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is major drama, everything
goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very
threatened by it all.


He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens
the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your
predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.


About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip
in sales, combined with serious product problems. The
manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read,
"Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly
rebounds.


Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third
envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes"





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20130902

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml