Monday, January 31, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Worms
-------------------------

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the
experiment with the worms.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.

So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said -
"As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."


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Sunday, January 30, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Classy Insults
-------------------------


"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

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Saturday, January 29, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Generosity
-------------------------

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor.
"I feel really good today. I started out this
morning with an act of unselfish generosity.
I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's
a lot of money to just give away. What did your
husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to
do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

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Thursday, January 27, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blonde Murder Victim
-------------------------

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
You Know It's Time to Diet When..
-------------------------

* You dance and it makes the band skip.

* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

* Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

* You could sell shade.

* Your blood type is Ragu.

* You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.


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Monday, January 24, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Gift
-------------------------

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?

"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"

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-------------------------

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Sunday, January 23, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
22 MPH
-------------------------


Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."


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Saturday, January 22, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Sparrow
-------------------------

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

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-------------------------

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Friday, January 21, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blonde Phone Call
-------------------------

"Hi Mom, How are you?"

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace
Hardware"

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."

"What on earth ~ why did you do that ?????"

"Well it wasn't my fault.Dad told me to find a Black & Decker ."


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-------------------------

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Thursday, January 20, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
What Does A Kiss Taste Like?
-------------------------

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a
little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss
in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy
wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out!
It's a piece of Ass.

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-------------------------

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Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Two Drops
-------------------------

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said,
"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."


The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."

As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like
to buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of
you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of
water."

"Coming up," said the bartender.

As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender said.

As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age,
you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."


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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Grandma's Boyfriend
-------------------------

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one
day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma
was dusting. He looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel
so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the
TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was
terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the
picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV
hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried
to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."

The minister fainted.


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-------------------------

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Monday, January 17, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Hole Problem
-------------------------

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After
the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had
been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He
couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a
mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only
one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

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Sunday, January 16, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Redneck Divorce
-------------------------

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"


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Saturday, January 15, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Skeleton
-------------------------

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room
for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not
be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton
in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should
call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet
and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They
said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more,
they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We
are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know
if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of
important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

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Friday, January 14, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Logic
-------------------------

The reason there are so many problems between men and women is that
they have such different views of sex and relationships.

Women want a relationship without the complication of unnecessary sex.

Men want sex without the complication of an unnecessary relationship.


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Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gone Fishing
-------------------------

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go
fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of
his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for
me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack
me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.

We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my
things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk panamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she
does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he
comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife
welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes!

Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you
pack my new blue silk panamas like I asked you to do?"


"I did, they're in your tackle box."


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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Signs In Heaven
-------------------------

Bob dies and goes to the pearly gates where he waits in line. As he draws
closer he sees there are two lines; a short one and a long one. He walks to
the front of the long line and sees a sign written above the head of the angel
in charge:

THIS WAY TO HELL>> MEN WHO LET WOMEN WEAR THE PANTS
He decides that this line is just way to long and goes around to the other line
where a sign reads;
THIS WAY TO HEAVEN>> GUYS WITH BALLS

There is only one person in this line and he is a small, frayed and withered
old man. Bob just has to know and so he asks, "Why are you in this line? I
mean are you the only one going to heaven?"

The little man turns to him and whispers gently, "Keep your voice down, Lillith
told me to stand here!"

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Monday, January 10, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marriage and Haunting
-------------------------

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down......."

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Sunday, January 9, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Too Hot
-------------------------


It's just too hot to wear clothes today,"
complained a man to his wife as he stepped
out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think
the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn
like this?"

she replied. "Probably that I married you for
your money."

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Saturday, January 8, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Two Beggars
-------------------------

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.
One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many
people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the
cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to
the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David
and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism.
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting
beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to
the other beggar with the cross and said:

"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about
marketing.


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Thursday, January 6, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Miss America
-------------------------

They wanted to allow divorced women to compete in the Miss America pageant.
Was that a good idea?

Do you really want to hear, "My dreams for the future include world peace,
and that my ex-husband gets killed by a bus."


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Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Loft
-------------------------

Played a round of golf with the local course pro for some helpful tips.

After playing the first hole I turned to him for some advice and all he said was "loft".

So after the next 4 holes I asked him again and all he said was "loft"

Now we're done with the round and I asked him why after each hole all he would ever tell me was "loft " ?

To which the pro relies "loft" - "Lack Of F*cking Talent "

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Monday, January 3, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Pun of the Day
-------------------------

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"

The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."

"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"

"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.

"Do you want to try?"

"No, but thanks anyway."

"Why not?", asks the barman.

"The steaks are too high."


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Sunday, January 2, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
An Indecent Proposal
-------------------------

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, young man entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them.

Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand.

She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said:
"Clean my house."


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Saturday, January 1, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st January, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st January, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cold Cream
-------------------------

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face..

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"


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-------------------------

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