Friday, July 31, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Profitable Mistake
-------------------------

On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak
to the minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit
from the mistakes of another?"

"Absolutely not!" replied the pastor, disappointed that Frank would
even ask such a question.

"In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd consider
returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last
July."




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Thursday, July 30, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Brewster
-------------------------

Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to
fertilize the eggs. Whitey kept records and any rooster that didn't
perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of Whitey's time so Whitey got a set of
tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a
distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells.

Whitey's favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen
he was, too. But on this particular morning Whitey noticed old Brewster's
bell hadn't rung at all!

Whitey went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for
cover.

BUT, to Whitey's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so
it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the
next one.

Whitey was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county
fair... and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...

The judges not only awarded Brewster the "No Bell Piece Prize" but
they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.






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Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Thunderstorm
-------------------------

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled. "I can't dear," she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

The little boy replied with a shaking voice, "The big sissy."




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Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums
-------------------------

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.







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Monday, July 27, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Health Advice
-------------------------

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not
make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of
field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As
we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer
and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of
elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a
burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one
to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench
press. What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air
up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though
if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in,
you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain-No
Pain.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind.
If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record
time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
trying to live a longer and healthier life...








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Friday, July 24, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Union House
-------------------------

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check
out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is
this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street
in search of a more equitable shop.

At the second one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.

"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more
equitable shop.

His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the Madame said,
"Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned.

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a
stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir", said the Madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman
in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."






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Thursday, July 23, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Meet the Parents
-------------------------

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"





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Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Insuring a Wooden Leg
-------------------------

A man and his wife, moved back home to North Carolina, from Texas. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it
in Texas Was $2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in North Carolina, they went to an insurance Agency, to see how much it would cost to insure
the leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here In North Carolina to insure, because it cost him
$2000.00 in Texas!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: *Any
wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.





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Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Alligator Shoes
-------------------------

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

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Monday, July 20, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Newspaper Headlines
-------------------------

* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

* British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

* Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

* Eye Drops off Shelf

* Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

* Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

* Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

* Stolen Painting Found by Tree

* Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

* Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

* Drunken Drivers Paid $1000

* If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

* Deer Kill 17,000

* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

* Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

* British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

* New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

* Air Head Fired

* Steals Clock, Faces Time

* Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under-sheriff

* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

* Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

* Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

* Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

* Include your Children when Baking Cookies

* Marv Albert Gets Pink Slip

* Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

* Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

* Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

* Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing




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Saturday, July 18, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Cardiologist
-------------------------


A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage.

"Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic.....

"Try doing it with the engine running."



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Friday, July 17, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Financial Records
-------------------------

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited.

He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant
pored over them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."




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Thursday, July 16, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
An Orange
-------------------------

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"






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Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
One Cent
-------------------------

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."

One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."




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Monday, July 13, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Three Envelopes
-------------------------

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the
manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing
manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in
the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis
you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is major drama, everything
goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very
threatened by it all.


He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens
the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your
predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.


About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip
in sales, combined with serious product problems. The
manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read,
"Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly
rebounds.


Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third
envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes"





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Sunday, July 12, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Wrong Choice
-------------------------

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.

He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled
on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way
out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds
or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services are pending.





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Saturday, July 11, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Death of a TV Star
-------------------------

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon..


Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Buttersworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Capt'n Crunch, Mr. Goodbar, The Tidy Bowl Man, and many others.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded, always rose to the occasion, but whose later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much his time on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was considered a roll model for millions, even as a crusty old man.

Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and a bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.





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Friday, July 10, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Doctor's Advice
-------------------------

A man was walking into the hospital for a routine
examination the other day. Just as he reached the main
entrance, another man, who had just exited the hospital,
keeled over on the sidewalk. The first man ran towards the
second and noticed that he was obviously dead.


The man rushed into the hospital, grabbed the first doctor
that he could find, and screamed, "Doctor, Doctor!! A man
just walked out of the hospital and dropped dead on the
sidewalk!! What should I do?"


The doctor thought about this dilemma for a few moments,
then suggested, "Spin him around. Make it look like he was
coming in."





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Thursday, July 9, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Social Security
-------------------------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office
to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized
I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too'





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Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Fried Eggs
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"





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Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Math Job
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A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies "Four."

The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?"

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says

"Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question

"What do two plus two equal?"

The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question

"What do two plus two equal?"

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next
to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"




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Monday, July 6, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Chinese Business Trip
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A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts
for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player.
Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would
happened if this does not work?'

The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads,
'GUARANTEE NO SPOILT'.

Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel.
He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it
would not even switch on.

He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange
for another unit. When the shopkeeper refused to give either, the man points to the sign
assuring him of a guarantee.

The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China. We read from the
right to the left.'




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Sunday, July 5, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Jonah and the Whale
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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."





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Saturday, July 4, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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A Dog Named Sex
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Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, "I would like to have one too!"

Then I said, "But she is a dog!"

He said he didn't care what she looked like.

I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."

He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."


When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.

He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.

I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."

He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.

I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.

The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.


When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.

When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.

I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Me too!"


One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away.

Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.

I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.

He said that I should have sold my own tickets.

"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."

He called me a show off.


When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."

The Judge said, "Same here!"


Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.

I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.


Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.

Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I can't live any longer being so lonely."

And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."





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Friday, July 3, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Letter of Recommendation
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When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of
human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I
think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that
next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It
read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he
left us, we were very satisfied."




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Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st July, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st July, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Oklahoma Fan
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A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet
mall to do their tax-free back to school shopping. While in the sports shop
the son picks up an Oklahoma jersey and says to his older sister, "I've
decided to become a Sooner fan and I would like to wear this to school".

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head
and says, "Go talk to mother".

Off goes the little lad with the Oklahoma jersey in hand and finds his
mother.

"Mom?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this
jersey".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and
says, "Go talk to your father!"

Off he goes with the Oklahoma Jersey in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this
jersey".

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says,
"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT CRAP!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards
home.

The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something
today?"

The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

To which the son replies, "I've only been a Oklahoma fan for an hour and I
already hate you Texas bastards."







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