Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th October, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th October, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Grandma's Boyfriend
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A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.

The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.

When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."




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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th October, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th October, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Kiss
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All Bill asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Anne haughtily rebuffed him with, "I don't do that sort of thing on my first date!"

"Well," Bill replied with sarcasm, "how about on your last date?"




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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th October, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th October, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Pet Fish
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A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man," Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

" Naw, sir" , replied the redneck." I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

" Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let" em swim" round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take" em home."

" That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said," It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."

" O. K.." , said the warden." I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says," Well?"

" Well, what?" , says the redneck.

The warden says," When are you going to call them back?"

" Call who back?"

"The FISH" , replied the warden!

" What fish?" , replied the redneck.


Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.




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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th October, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th October, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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McDonalds
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A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a
beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve
beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the
jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look,
and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."




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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th October, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th October, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Ostrich
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40
please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll
have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the
same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a
steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the
ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be
$12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there."

"That's brilliant!"says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with long legs who agrees with everything I say."






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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th October, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th October, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Gorilla Removers
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A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an
ad for "Gorilla Removers."

He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over
in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a
ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to
go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball
bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his
testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put
him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"






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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd October, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd October, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Bengal Tigers
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A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"




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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd October, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd October, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Coming Home Late
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A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband
has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday
afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and
more concerned until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls
into the driveway.

"What happened?" asked the wife. "You should have been home
hours ago!"

"Gus had a heart attack at the third hole," replied the
husband.

"Oh, that's terrible," said the wife.

"I know," the husband answered. "All day long it was, hit
the ball, drag Gus, hit the ball, drag Gus . . . "






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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st October, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st October, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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A Really Bad Day
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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."




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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th October, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th October, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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My Mother
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1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father."

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home."

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

How many of these did your mother teach? AND how many did you teach your children?





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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th October, 2020

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th October, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Animal Game
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One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a
picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one
raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What
animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.

"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on
this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next
she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized
the animal.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's
something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."




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