Thursday, October 30, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cure for a Cough
-------------------------

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a
wall with an odd look on his face.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his
cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of
laxatives."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him-he's afraid to cough!"





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Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Who Wants to be a Millionaire
-------------------------

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau.
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
As she suspected it would be, the million- dollar question was no pushover. It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it

A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logicalthing to do. On the other hand -- the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."

Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that the answer is-...... absolutely correct.
You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire.
And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way......how did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."





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Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Heaven
-------------------------

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"

A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"

"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.

"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."

"Well, then, where are you?"

"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."





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Monday, October 27, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Speeder
-------------------------

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine
to the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if
he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the
roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.
The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to
see what the limo could do.

Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side
mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in
through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call
in."


The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very
important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?"
asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! This
guy is even more important!"

"Is it the President?" asked the chief.

"No! Even more important!"

"Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.

"I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his
chauffeur."







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Sunday, October 26, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Toughest Time of My Life
-------------------------

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis
was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis...

I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.




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Saturday, October 25, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Quote of the Day
-------------------------

Woman's Quote of the Day:

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job
to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go
all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."





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Friday, October 24, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Government Class
-------------------------

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington
had to make before he crossed the Delaware."








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Thursday, October 23, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
All Night Duty
-------------------------

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the
station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four
hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting
to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the
bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife
sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down
to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me
some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the
dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug
store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say,"
said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman?
Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire
Chief?"





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Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
"Old" is when...
-------------------------


...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
barefoot.

...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage
door nearest your car.

...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

...going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.

...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the
police.

..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!





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Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Zachary Disease
-------------------------

"Diane, I just don't understand?! I don't have a boyfriend or a husband, I can never get a date and guys just don't seem interested in me. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"You know what", her friend replied, "I know a Chinese doctor that can help you".

So, her friend gave her the doctor's address and the next day she went to see him.

She tells the doctor what her problem was and he proceeded to give her instructions.

"Take off your crows", the doctor says.

"What, what did you say?" she replied.

"take off your crows", the doctor repeated, motioning for her to take off her clothes.

"Ok, now craw to the window".

"What?", she asks.

"Craw to the window" he said as he got down on all fours to show her what he meant.

So she crawled to the window.

"Now craw back to me" he says motioning her to come back.

"Ah-ha!", he says, "I know what your problem is".

"Well, doctor, what is it?" she says anxiously.

"You have Zachary disease".

"Zachary disease, what's that?" she asks.

"Well, your face looks Zachary like your butt".







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Monday, October 20, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Just Fred
-------------------------

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a
break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," the driver replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he
used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with
it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the
time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.

"When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went
through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my
degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my
degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

"Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my
assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was
Fred Dingaling MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the
VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my dingaling . . . so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.





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Sunday, October 19, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Tax Form Humor
-------------------------

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (AP) - The city's tax superintendent has been suspended without pay for a week for trying to inject some humor in the city income tax filing instructions.

The forms - with such lines as, "If we can tax it, we will," - were sent last week to all Middletown businesses and residents who pay city income tax.

The attempt at humor by Linda Stubbs was called "misguided" by city Finance Director John Lyons.

Lyons said revised forms were sent out immediately at a cost to taxpayers of about $5,500.

Among the lines that city officials didn't think were very funny was this one:

"Free advice: if you don't have a profit in a five-year period, you might want to consider another line of work."

Middletown is about 25 miles northeast of Cincinnati.






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Saturday, October 18, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Worms
-------------------------

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his
5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,
so he produced an experiment that involved a
glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.


"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said
the professor while putting a worm into the water.


The worm in the water writhed about, happy
as a worm in water could be. He then put the
second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and
writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to
the bottom, dead as a doornail.


"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?"
the professor asked.


Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised
his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink
whiskey and you won't get worms."







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Friday, October 17, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bear in the Woods
-------------------------

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean.

The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.

A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.

Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot.

"I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar."

"QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger.

"O.K.," said the other, "it was the male."

The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man.

"But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked.

"Well," said the ranger...

"I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!"




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Thursday, October 16, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dietitian
-------------------------

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and
none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have
eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes
the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."




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Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hockey
-------------------------

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old
hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what
cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or
lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a
penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or
call him a pecker-head."

Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that
another boy gets a chance to play,
it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a
dumb a--hole', is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all
that to your mother."



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Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Retirees
-------------------------

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Q. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.

Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.

Q. Why don't retirees mind being called senior citizens?
A. The term comes with a 10% discount.

Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
A. Tied shoes.

Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.

Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A. NUTS!

Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal

Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never-ending Coffee Break.

Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.




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Monday, October 13, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Put More Stress Into Your Life!
-------------------------

1. Refuse to take action on nagging problems. Procrastinate, brood, and if possible, lose some sleep over them.

2. Make a concerted effort to take note of irritations in your life and blow them out of proportion.

3. Consider the power of negative thinking.

4. Hide your sense of humor. Erase the words smile, joke, and laugh from your vocabulary; concentrate on frowning.

5. If you've been working a 60 hour week, try 65 or 70 or 75! Spending more time at work will give you less time to consider how stressed you are.

6. Consume vast quantities of caffeine. As a stimulant it will ensure that you are awake day and night.

7. Practice the art of "hurry up and wait". This means dashing off to join a line-up somewhere - like the bank, cinema, or ticket outlet.

8. Make sure you drive no further than two feet from the car in front.

9. To relieve boredom while waiting for traffic lights, pretend you are on the starting grid for the Indy 500.

10. Never read a book or listen to music.

11. Play "Hide and Seek" by concealing important documents from yourself.

12. Delegate nagging problems. You've proved that you can't deal with them.

13. Tell yourself that your abilities are unlimited. Do not waver from this conviction until you are fired for lack of competence.

14. Giggle nervously. It will make other people nervous, meetings will be unproductive and you won't come away with a long list of things to do.

15. Find a disagreeable tennis partner. Perhaps your spouse.

16. When feeling stressful, breathe deeply and hyperventilate until you pass out.

17. Take up gardening. Nothing can be more stressful if you don't like it.

18. When things are going badly, knock your head against the wall. The resulting headache will supersede the original problem.




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Sunday, October 12, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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New Chevrolet
-------------------------

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.


"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."


"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.


"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a a coffee break, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."






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Saturday, October 11, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Bull
-------------------------

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."




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Friday, October 10, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Driving Test
-------------------------

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.





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Thursday, October 9, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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How I Got Shot
-------------------------

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"



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Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Early Dementia Test
-------------------------

It's that time of year to take our annual senior
citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important
as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's
important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use
it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge
your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're
losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't
see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your
mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up
now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk"

What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next
question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content
yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto
World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from
blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house
is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why
the heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to
Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided
into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the
flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining
engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally
crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between
East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East
Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you
said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In
Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four
get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea
, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen,
six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Now pass this along to all your friends and
pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!




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Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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My Mother
-------------------------

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father."

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home."

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

How many of these did your mother teach? AND how many did you teach your children?




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Monday, October 6, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Best Out of the Office Messages
-------------------------

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to
get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me
until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail
will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system..
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Jay'.






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Saturday, October 4, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Farmer Joe's Favorite Mule
-------------------------

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to
take the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer
Joe. "Didn't you say, 'I'm fine', at the scene of the accident?" asked the
lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for a long, drawn-out story," the lawyer interrupted,
"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine'!"


Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I
was driving down the road..."


The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after
the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."


By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule Bessie."


Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side."


He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could
hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape
just by her groans.


Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, he
came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, 'Your
mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"






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Friday, October 3, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Who Am I?
-------------------------

I will seek and find You . . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and Go get your flu shot!




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Thursday, October 2, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Sinking Titanic
-------------------------

Titanic was about to sink. People on the ship were shouting, crying, running and praying to God - just then a passenger had the following conversation with the captain.

Passenger: How far is land, from here?

Captain: Two miles...

Passenger: Only two miles, then why these fools are making noise. I have the experience of swimming even more.

Captain: .....????

Passenger: Just tell me in which direction, land is two miles from here?

Captain: Downward...





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Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st October, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st October, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Vacuum Cleaner
-------------------------

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to
be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners.

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't
got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door..

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you
have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the
remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a
damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.."





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