Thursday, February 28, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Quotes on Sex
-------------------------

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004; Thanks for all the laughs)

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns





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Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Happy Mailman
-------------------------

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."




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Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Learning From Teachers
-------------------------

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."



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Monday, February 25, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hot Dogs
-------------------------

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the
other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might
as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and
they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in
foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a
bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

The mother superior is first to open hers.She begins to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers
...cautiously: "What part did you get?






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Sunday, February 24, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Explosion
-------------------------

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory,
and once all the mess has been cleared up, and
inquiry begins.

One of the few survivors is pulled up to make
a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator,
"you were near the scene, what happened?"


"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins
was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a
cigarette out of his pocket and light up."


"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator
said in stunned horror, "How long had he been
with the company?"


"About 20 years, sir"


"20 years in the company, then he goes and
strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought
it would have been the last thing he'd have done."


"It was, sir."







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Friday, February 22, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
For All You Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)
-------------------------

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism
it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and
I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down
under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't
find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and
'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never
developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will
be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've
seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray
hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know
basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the
agony of defeat.






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Thursday, February 21, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Georgia State Trooper
-------------------------

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south
of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.

When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver
answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to
Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a
ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on
ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his
patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he
could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the
juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
patrol car.

A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance
briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and
got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol
car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause
there's no way in hell I can pass that test."




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Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marriage Counseling
-------------------------

A husband and wife came for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each
and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling
unloved and unloveable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the
course of their quarter century of marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist
stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her
and kissed her passionately on the mouth.

The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down;. The therapist turned to
the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a
week. Do you think you can do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf."




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Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Operating Room
-------------------------

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."




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Monday, February 18, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
To be 6 Again
-------------------------

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at
herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what
she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror. On
the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of
Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He
put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours
later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling
and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite
candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear,
what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed , "I meant my dress
size, you dumb ass!"




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Sunday, February 17, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Trial
-------------------------

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

The defendant replies, "It was easier than having to shoot a different man everyday!"






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Saturday, February 16, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Last Names
-------------------------

My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian at my bank. The operator asked me what Ian's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his surname. When she asked for his department, I said I didn't know.

"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather curtly.

After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for her name.

"Danielle," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we don't give out last names."







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Friday, February 15, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Wisdom
-------------------------

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car.

After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."




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Thursday, February 14, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Father Norton
-------------------------

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an
exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided
he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate
Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say
Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton
headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.
This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he
knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was
alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else
was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord
while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're
not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight
towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and
fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,
"Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"










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Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Wrong Choice
-------------------------

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.

He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled
on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way
out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds
or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services are pending.





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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Broken Scrotum
-------------------------
"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."



The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.



"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.



A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."



Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum."




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Monday, February 11, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Golf Clubs
-------------------------


A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence-

HUSBAND: "sh*t."




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Sunday, February 10, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Adam's Rib
-------------------------

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a
woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and
when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you.

And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a
disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children.

And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion
whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"




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Saturday, February 9, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
In a Vacuum
-------------------------

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"





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Friday, February 8, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Wong Family
-------------------------

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new
baby.

The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely
Caucasian,white baby boy.

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.

"Well Mr.Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "well, two
Wong's don't make a white, so I tink we name him Sum Ting Wong.




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Thursday, February 7, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Country Style
-------------------------

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What's country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."

The farmer grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."




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Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Don't Mess With Old People
-------------------------

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had
breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand.
He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today .." At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted ...! Old Harold just smiled!


DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!



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Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Do You Drink?
-------------------------

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: 3 6 packs

Lady: How much per 6 pack

Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past
15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put
in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your f*cking Ferrari then?




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Monday, February 4, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist
-------------------------

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small
town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to
read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable to the council either, so in an effort to satisfy
the council, they changed the sign to: "Catatonics and High Colonics".

No go.

Next, they tried: "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives".

Thumbs down again.

Then came: "Minds and Behinds".

Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in: "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".

Unacceptable to the city council .. again!

So they tried: "Analysis and Anal Cysts".

Not a chance. Too graphic, said the council.

"Nuts and Butts?"

Definitely not.

"Freaks and Cheeks"?

Shot down again.

"Loons and Moons"?

Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and
Dr. Jones: Odds and Ends".

Everyone loved it.






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Sunday, February 3, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Henry Ford
-------------------------

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel
tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention,
the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a
reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God,
himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the
Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey,
aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well,"
says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention:
l. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial
Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may
be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but
according to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."




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Saturday, February 2, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Advice
-------------------------

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"




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Friday, February 1, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st February, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st February, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Time
-------------------------

On some air bases, the military uses one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side, with the tower in the middle serving both. One day, at one of these fields, a call from an aircraft called in asking, "Hey, Tower, what time is it?"


The tower answered, "Who is calling?"


The aircraft answered, "What difference does it make?"


The tower responded with, "It makes a lot of difference. If you are a civilian aircraft, it's three o'clock; if you're an Army aircraft, it's 1500 hours; if you're a Navy aircraft, it's 3 bells; if you're an Air Force aircraft, the big hand is on 12 and the little hand is on 3; and if you're a Marine aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes 'til Happy Hour."





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