Sunday, July 31, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Words for the Wise
-------------------------

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!






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Saturday, July 30, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Insults, When They had Class
-------------------------

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure" -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend. If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill followed by Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one."

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde




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Friday, July 29, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Sparrow
-------------------------

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.




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Thursday, July 28, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Swearing at Work
-------------------------

To all Employees:
It has been brought to Management's attention that some
individuals throughout the company have been using foul
language during the course of normal conversation with
their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may
be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be
tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance
of being able to accurately express your feelings you are when
communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 new
and innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so
that proper exchange of ideas and Information can continue
to flow in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Have a Wonderful DAY ! ! !






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Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Trivial Pursuit
-------------------------

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"






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Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Men's Rules
-------------------------

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

3. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

4. Crying is blackmail.

5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!

6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments
become Null and void after 7 Days.

9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you
sad or angry, we meant the other one

11. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it
done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials..

13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example,
is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what
mauve is.

15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

17. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine .
. . . Really.

19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as
football or tanks.

20. You have enough clothes.

21. You have too many shoes.

22.Every dish can be improved with bacon.

23.Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom "the little boys room."

24.Women who sound sexy on the phone weigh 350 pounds.

25.No talking at the urinal.

26.A man may own exactly one pair of holiday-themed boxers.

27.Never date a woman whose father calls her "princess."

28.A PBS tote bag does not make you an intellectual.

29.The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.

30.Real men don't dance.




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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Kids Marriage Advice
-------------------------

( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like
sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10 --


( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,
and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10 --


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know
the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10 --


( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be
a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE

( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use
them to get to know each other. Even boys have
something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)


( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other
lies and that usually gets them interested enough to
go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10 (wise beyond his years)


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE
THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would
call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about
me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

( 1 ) When they're rich
-- Pam, age 7

( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I
wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone,
then you should marry them and have kids with them.
It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8 (this one has very good morals!)


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you
one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I
don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8

( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for
boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)



HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT
IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,
wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty,
even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10




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Sunday, July 24, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
True Doctor Stories
-------------------------

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I
told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not
more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of
the family that the had died of a "massive internal fart."

--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the
visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart
and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read
the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left." Again, a flawless read.
Now both," I requested . There was silence. He couldn't even
read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had
done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes
covered I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment
with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he
was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put
it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I
wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete
confusion she answered Why, not for about twenty years -- when
my husband was alive."

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So,
how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the
Kentucky Jelly I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I
then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
"KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

And Finally . . . A new, young MD doing his
residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his
embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The
middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work
and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish
I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."




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Saturday, July 23, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Outhouse
-------------------------

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had
to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was
hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy
determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the
creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the
little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into
the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally,
the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night
his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.
Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George
Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble
because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."




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Friday, July 22, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
25 Signs You've Grown Up:
-------------------------


Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next
door won't turn down the stereo.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning
of one.

Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.

You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never
going to drink that much again."


90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
work.

You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a
bar.

You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you!!!





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Thursday, July 21, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Violent Thunderstorm
-------------------------

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled. "I can't dear," she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

The little boy replied with a shaking voice, "The big sissy."




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Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
$100.00
-------------------------

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00

When The postal authorities received the letter addressed to : God , USA ,
... they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down and wrote a thank-you note to God, which read:


Dear God , Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC.
Do you know those bureaucrats deducted $95.00 in taxes!









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Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Frog
-------------------------

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why
won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer.

I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."






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Monday, July 18, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Playing Doctor
-------------------------

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was
caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound to
be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her damn appendix
out!"





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Sunday, July 17, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Small Hands
-------------------------

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was on 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.

"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?






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Saturday, July 16, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Intelligence
-------------------------

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, 'Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?'

'I don't know,' responded the other. 'I'll ask him.' So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. 'Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?'

'Intelligence,' the boss said.

'What do you mean, 'intelligence'?'

The boss said, 'Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.'

The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.

The boss said, 'That's intelligence!'

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, 'What did he say?'

'He said we are down here because of intelligence.'

'What's intelligence?' said the friend.

The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, 'Take your shovel and hit my hand.'






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Friday, July 15, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hair Cut
-------------------------

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and
enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use
of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll
talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and
settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about
six weeks they went in to the study, where his father
said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your
grades up, and I've observed that you have been
studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in
the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed,
since you haven't gotten your hair cut."


The young man paused a moment, and then said,
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had
long hair and there's even a strong argument that
Jesus had long hair also."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they
all walked everywhere they went?"



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Thursday, July 14, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Increases in Size
-------------------------

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body
part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be
asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and
they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is
she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part
that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As
for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."







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Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New Office Policy
-------------------------


Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.



Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.



Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.



Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.



The Management




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Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
English Language
-------------------------

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?




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Monday, July 11, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Eagle and the Rabbit
-------------------------

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.






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Sunday, July 10, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hamburger
-------------------------

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later,
the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and
notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling
frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my
hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"


So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise,
he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit.
He says, "That's disgusting!"


Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see
him make donuts."






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Saturday, July 9, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies:
-------------------------

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.

3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers: Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.

4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.

6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life: Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.

7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.



Daily Thought:

Some People Are Like Slinkies -- Not Really Good For Anything, But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.




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Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Taxi Driver
-------------------------

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the
Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed
in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and
jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so
that I may know whether or not to admit you to
the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of
Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says
to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and
golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and
staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands
erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of
Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the
minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff
and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a
taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.
"While you preached, people slept; while he drove,
people prayed."






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Monday, July 4, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
My Divorce
-------------------------

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.

"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.

"No," I replied.

"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."




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Sunday, July 3, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Travel Agent
-------------------------

Here are some observations about the politicians who run our country. They are from a Washington, D.C.travel agent with 30 years experience. Should we be worried about some of the people running our country?

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... (click).


A Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked
what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"

I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I
said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude." After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I actually was laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them


A Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"

A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"


A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from
Chicago to Rhino, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the
agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."
The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal", she admitted






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Saturday, July 2, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Parrot
-------------------------

During a lull between the speeches at the recent White House Correspondents' dinner, Michelle Obama leans over to chat with Joe Biden.

"Ya know, I bought Barack a parrot for his birthday. The bird is so smart, Barack has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," says Joe, "but, you do realize that he just speaks the words -- he doesn't really understand what they mean."

"Oh, I know," Michelle replies, "Neither does the parrot."



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Friday, July 1, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st July, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st July, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ice Cream Parlor
-------------------------

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream
parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids'




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