JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Bank Robberies
-------------------------
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated
and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who
apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information
was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank,"
by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras,
76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bank
before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the
loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with
examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the
fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in
business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too
familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making
his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan.
One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and
down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing
police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup
note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the
ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back
of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope
bearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford,
Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and
account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to
hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he
showed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note
saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The
teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment
on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it
accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank
robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing
stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing
attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who
took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up
to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered the
security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's
car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most
quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing
the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out,
not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and
Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while
trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in
the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal
in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted.
He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for
example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank
holdups reported.
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Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Monday, June 29, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Canadian Tourism Website
-------------------------
These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism
website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.
Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only six thousand km, take lots of water. . .
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)!
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places
to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a
list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary.
Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays
every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight
after the hippo races.
Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You are an American politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be
safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Canadian Tourism Website
-------------------------
These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism
website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.
Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only six thousand km, take lots of water. . .
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)!
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places
to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a
list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary.
Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays
every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight
after the hippo races.
Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You are an American politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be
safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
-------------------------
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Sunday, June 28, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Organist
-------------------------
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The
pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring,and she
welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat
while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it, filled
with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had
flipped or something...!
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing
to the bowl).
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last
fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to
put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you
know... I haven't had a cold all winter."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Organist
-------------------------
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The
pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring,and she
welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat
while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it, filled
with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had
flipped or something...!
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing
to the bowl).
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last
fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to
put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you
know... I haven't had a cold all winter."
-------------------------
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Saturday, June 27, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Good Egg
-------------------------
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette,
with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed
off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Good Egg
-------------------------
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette,
with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed
off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
-------------------------
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Friday, June 26, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Sound Like a Frog
-------------------------
There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound
like a frog, Grandpappy?
Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really
want to make the sound of a frog now."
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will
you please make a sound like a frog?"
Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that.
I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."
Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...
Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"
"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa
asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when
you croak, we get to go to Disney World!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Sound Like a Frog
-------------------------
There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound
like a frog, Grandpappy?
Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really
want to make the sound of a frog now."
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will
you please make a sound like a frog?"
Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that.
I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."
Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...
Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"
"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa
asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when
you croak, we get to go to Disney World!"
-------------------------
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Thursday, June 25, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Ten Commandments
-------------------------
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians...
It creates a hostile work environment.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Ten Commandments
-------------------------
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians...
It creates a hostile work environment.
-------------------------
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Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Evil
-------------------------
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after
folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for
her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television
set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to
come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil
thing I could do to him."
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-------------------------
Evil
-------------------------
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after
folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for
her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television
set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to
come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil
thing I could do to him."
-------------------------
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Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Charity
-------------------------
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to buzz off!!!!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Charity
-------------------------
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to buzz off!!!!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
-------------------------
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Monday, June 22, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Doctor's Visit
-------------------------
A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.
After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded,
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
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-------------------------
Doctor's Visit
-------------------------
A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.
After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded,
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
-------------------------
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Friday, June 19, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
You Can't Please Everyone
-------------------------
An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey.
As they went along, they passed a goup of people who remarked it was a shame the old man had to walk while the young boy was riding. The man and boy thought about the criticism and decided maybe the people were right, so they switched places.
Later they passed another group of people who remarked that it was a shame that the old man made the little boy walk. The two travelers decided that they would BOTH walk.
Soon they passed a third group of people who said they were stupid to walk , when they had such a fine donkey to ride. So, the two decided they would both ride the donkey.
The next group of people they passed said that it was AWFUL that the two put such a heavy load on the poor donkey. The old man & boy thought that maybe the people were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
Soon they came to a river, with a narrow bridge spanning it. As they attempted to cross the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & it fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story ?
If you try to please everyone, you may as well............
kiss your ass goodbye.
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-------------------------
You Can't Please Everyone
-------------------------
An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey.
As they went along, they passed a goup of people who remarked it was a shame the old man had to walk while the young boy was riding. The man and boy thought about the criticism and decided maybe the people were right, so they switched places.
Later they passed another group of people who remarked that it was a shame that the old man made the little boy walk. The two travelers decided that they would BOTH walk.
Soon they passed a third group of people who said they were stupid to walk , when they had such a fine donkey to ride. So, the two decided they would both ride the donkey.
The next group of people they passed said that it was AWFUL that the two put such a heavy load on the poor donkey. The old man & boy thought that maybe the people were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
Soon they came to a river, with a narrow bridge spanning it. As they attempted to cross the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & it fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story ?
If you try to please everyone, you may as well............
kiss your ass goodbye.
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Thursday, June 18, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
An Aniversary
-------------------------
Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids,all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you".
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter,a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
An Aniversary
-------------------------
Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids,all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you".
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter,a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"
-------------------------
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Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
DUI
-------------------------
One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.
A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly.
He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00. Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on.
The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
DUI
-------------------------
One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.
A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly.
He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00. Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on.
The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."
-------------------------
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Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Speeders
-------------------------
Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer
saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous
as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he
notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking
like ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand, I
wasn't doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?"
"Ma'am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the
woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven't said a word since I pulled you over."
"Oh! they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route
142" ...
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Speeders
-------------------------
Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer
saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous
as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he
notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking
like ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand, I
wasn't doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?"
"Ma'am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the
woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven't said a word since I pulled you over."
"Oh! they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route
142" ...
-------------------------
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Monday, June 15, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
King Arthur
-------------------------
King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death.
The question? . . . What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with every one, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice, compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered . . . is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half-the-time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day . . . or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT . . . make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now . . . what is the moral to this story?
The moral is . . .
If you don't let a woman have her own way . . .
Things are going to get ugly!
-------------------------
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-------------------------
King Arthur
-------------------------
King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death.
The question? . . . What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with every one, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice, compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered . . . is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half-the-time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day . . . or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT . . . make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now . . . what is the moral to this story?
The moral is . . .
If you don't let a woman have her own way . . .
Things are going to get ugly!
-------------------------
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Sunday, June 14, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Appendicitis
-------------------------
A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman
kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be
a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy
to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him
so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off.
Written in large red letters across the tape was the sentence: Get well
quick..... From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Appendicitis
-------------------------
A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman
kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be
a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy
to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him
so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off.
Written in large red letters across the tape was the sentence: Get well
quick..... From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
-------------------------
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Saturday, June 13, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Late for Work
-------------------------
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Late for Work
-------------------------
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
-------------------------
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Friday, June 12, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Scrabble
-------------------------
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(wait till you see the last one!)
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Scrabble
-------------------------
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(wait till you see the last one!)
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!
-------------------------
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Thursday, June 11, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Bell
-------------------------
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skill, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
"BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"....
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Bell
-------------------------
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skill, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
"BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"....
-------------------------
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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
A Dog's Life
-------------------------
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
- Unknown
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
- Unknown
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
- Gene Hill
In dog years, I'm dead.
- Unknown
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
- Aldous Huxley
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times
before lying down.
- Robert Benchley
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives.
- Sue Murphy
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to
bite people themselves.
- August Strindberg
No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely
certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
- Fran Lebowitz
Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a
grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They
must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
- Anne Tyler
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money.
- Joe Weinstein
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
- James Thurber
You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with
pets.
- Nora Ephron
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful.
- Ann Landers
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get
used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should
have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of
the most fond memories!
- Dr. Tom Cat
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
- Edward Abbey
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look
like the dog did it.
- Unknown
Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
- Unknown
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog
does.
- Christopher Morley
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings
Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
- Holbrook Jackson
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andrew A. Rooney
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life,
his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat
of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
- Unknown
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you;
that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
- Smiley Blanton
I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt,
and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
- John Steinbeck
-------------------------
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-------------------------
A Dog's Life
-------------------------
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
- Unknown
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
- Unknown
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
- Gene Hill
In dog years, I'm dead.
- Unknown
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
- Aldous Huxley
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times
before lying down.
- Robert Benchley
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives.
- Sue Murphy
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to
bite people themselves.
- August Strindberg
No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely
certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
- Fran Lebowitz
Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a
grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They
must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
- Anne Tyler
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money.
- Joe Weinstein
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
- James Thurber
You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with
pets.
- Nora Ephron
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful.
- Ann Landers
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get
used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should
have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of
the most fond memories!
- Dr. Tom Cat
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
- Edward Abbey
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look
like the dog did it.
- Unknown
Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
- Unknown
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog
does.
- Christopher Morley
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings
Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
- Holbrook Jackson
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andrew A. Rooney
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life,
his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat
of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
- Unknown
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you;
that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
- Smiley Blanton
I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt,
and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
- John Steinbeck
-------------------------
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Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Worms
-------------------------
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his
5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,
so he produced an experiment that involved a
glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said
the professor while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy
as a worm in water could be. He then put the
second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and
writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to
the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?"
the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised
his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink
whiskey and you won't get worms."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Worms
-------------------------
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his
5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,
so he produced an experiment that involved a
glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said
the professor while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy
as a worm in water could be. He then put the
second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and
writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to
the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?"
the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised
his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink
whiskey and you won't get worms."
-------------------------
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Monday, June 8, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
SUV
-------------------------
Two old guys were chatting.....
One said to the other: "My 85th birthday was yesterday.
The wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing!!.....
Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
SUV
-------------------------
Two old guys were chatting.....
One said to the other: "My 85th birthday was yesterday.
The wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing!!.....
Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
-------------------------
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Sunday, June 7, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Time Tested Quotes
-------------------------
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea ...
Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge
What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain
By all means, marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which,
if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~ Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink ...
and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth
or the fourteenth.
~George Burns
The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good ... spit it out.
~Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Time Tested Quotes
-------------------------
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea ...
Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge
What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain
By all means, marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which,
if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~ Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink ...
and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth
or the fourteenth.
~George Burns
The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good ... spit it out.
~Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal
-------------------------
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Saturday, June 6, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Relaxed
-------------------------
Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said "Please give me a
prescription for the Pill."
"I don't think you need the Pill at your age."
"It relaxes me."
"But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not for
relaxing," exclaimed the physician.
"I know," said Mrs Ogden, "but my daughter dates, and every
morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel
more relaxed.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Relaxed
-------------------------
Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said "Please give me a
prescription for the Pill."
"I don't think you need the Pill at your age."
"It relaxes me."
"But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not for
relaxing," exclaimed the physician.
"I know," said Mrs Ogden, "but my daughter dates, and every
morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel
more relaxed.
-------------------------
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Friday, June 5, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
High Birth Rate
-------------------------
A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and
scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the
sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other
concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of
the causes of the town's high birth rate.
The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the
million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered
coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him
for a moment and asked, "Can you give me an idea was to why your town,
above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?"
The waiter thought a moment, then said, "I think I can. You see, every
morning at 4:00, the C&A Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle
at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you
can guess, it's too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to
get up."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
High Birth Rate
-------------------------
A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and
scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the
sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other
concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of
the causes of the town's high birth rate.
The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the
million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered
coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him
for a moment and asked, "Can you give me an idea was to why your town,
above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?"
The waiter thought a moment, then said, "I think I can. You see, every
morning at 4:00, the C&A Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle
at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you
can guess, it's too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to
get up."
-------------------------
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Thursday, June 4, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Mirrors
-------------------------
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night,
the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put
them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man....She explained that all these lip prints were causing
a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors,
she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet,
and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are
teachers, and then there are educators...
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Mirrors
-------------------------
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night,
the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put
them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man....She explained that all these lip prints were causing
a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors,
she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet,
and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are
teachers, and then there are educators...
-------------------------
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Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Simple Logic
-------------------------
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
Not Bad.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Simple Logic
-------------------------
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
Not Bad.
-------------------------
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Monday, June 1, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st June, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st June, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Suspension
-------------------------
At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded
to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any
basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average.
Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office,
followed by one of his star players.
"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't
win this weekend without him!"
"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at
this college."
"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.
"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the
basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times
seven?"
The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-
one?"
The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."
"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making
such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Suspension
-------------------------
At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded
to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any
basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average.
Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office,
followed by one of his star players.
"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't
win this weekend without him!"
"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at
this college."
"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.
"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the
basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times
seven?"
The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-
one?"
The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."
"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making
such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."
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