Monday, April 30, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bill of Rights
-------------------------

Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated
exchange during a trial. The judge asked both
lawyers to approach the bench.

"Your Honor," said Bob, "I objected because my
distinguished colleague Bill was badgering the
witness. It is obvious he has never heard of the
Bill of Rights."

"Rubbish!" snapped Bill. "I happen to know them by heart."

Bob rolled his eyes in disbelief. "Do you now?
Well, Bill, I have a hundred dollars that says
you can't even tell me the first few words."

Bill smirked and accepted the challenge and
began, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."

"Damn," Bob interrupted, fishing the money from
his pocket, "I didn't think you'd know it."






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Sunday, April 29, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Smart Alex
-------------------------

Alex was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license
and registration?" Alex said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."

The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So Alex replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."

The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup."

The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his drivers license
and registration.

Alex said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"

Alex laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.

The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. Alex agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.

The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk."

Alex looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."




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Saturday, April 28, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Romance
-------------------------

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. "

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"





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Friday, April 27, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
What A Choice
-------------------------

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex!" She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex!"

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."




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Thursday, April 26, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------

-------------------------




Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement
to make it better. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to
the IRS the midst of 1995s weird and bizarre denial of dependents,
exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.

Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you!

I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are
evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer
my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what
to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next
year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put
her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about
their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper
her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year
she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be
responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind
that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice
of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or
getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh
joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged
mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of
abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always
uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the
future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather
good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little
closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was
awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat
home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like
him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do
almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye,
what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as
he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the
cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the
vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This
is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives
in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls,
explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find
telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900
and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by
magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came
from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals,
and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my
taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked On
Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's the good news!
You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are
denying me! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other
two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the
curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech
pathologist who has her roll her "r's". It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish
touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of
her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that
worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you
come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would
be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to
pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I
will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you
take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather
becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad
about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your
decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on
my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an
airplane.

Yours truly,
Bob

(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)





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Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The New Suit
-------------------------

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to
the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he
went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked fabulous,
he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put
his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no
pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell
me you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his
own pockets?"





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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lab Rat
-------------------------

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another,
"Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our
experiments?"

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second,
the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. Third, lawyers multiply
faster in numbers, Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to their
torture. And fifth, there are some things even a rat won't do.

There is a drawback however; sometimes it's very hard to extrapolate the test results
to human beings!"


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Monday, April 23, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Vasectomy
-------------------------

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a
sex change rather than a vasectomy"

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"

The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."





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Sunday, April 22, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Man + Woman
-------------------------

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


LONGEVITY STATISTICS

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to
them at funerals.


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Saturday, April 21, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Water Buffalo
-------------------------

After eight days of backpacking with my wife,
we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning
she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her
shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

"Darling," she said, "does my hair make me
look like a water buffalo?"

I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you
the truth, do you promise not to charge?"





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Friday, April 20, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Kiss and Slap
-------------------------

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The General manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!"






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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Kiss and Slap
-------------------------

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The General manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!"






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Thursday, April 19, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Two Old Pensioners
-------------------------

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the
place where they first met. Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met
you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas
works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a
grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one
from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting
next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking
it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and
follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works.
The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little
old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most
athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging
away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as
phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do
not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't
move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything
that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from
his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to
know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years'
time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves.
Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that,
particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that
50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f*cking fence wasn't
electrified."

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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Funny Lines
-------------------------

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get
into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a
relative.

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer
or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them
get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh*t head's.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of
consecutive days I've stayed alive.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
peeing section in a swimming pool?


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Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Coroner
-------------------------

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you werent sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The mans brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law
somewhere.


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Monday, April 16, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Construction Site
-------------------------

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.

The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.

He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"

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Sunday, April 15, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Face Lift
-------------------------

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.

On his way home he pops into the newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35" was the reply.

"I'm actually 47 years old" the man says, feeling really happy.


After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the same question, to which the reply is "Oh, you look about 29" This makes him feel really good.

Whilst standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.


She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."


Being as there was nobody around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his trousers.


Ten minutes later the old lady says "You are 47 years old."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in the Chip shop"

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Saturday, April 14, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Childhood Sweethearts
-------------------------

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down
in their old neighborhood.

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old
school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he
had carved "I love you, Sally".

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car
practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what
to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its
fifty-thousand dollars.

The husband says: "We've got to give it back".

She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up
in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood
looking for the money show up at their home.

One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any
money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

She says: "No"..

The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school
yesterday ..."

At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."


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Friday, April 13, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Why Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs...
-------------------------

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:

"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"

Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:

"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."

(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:

"You guys line up alphabetically by height.."

And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a
circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for
three years,

not Princeton .."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker:

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my
clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of
heavyweight Andrew Golota:

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of
what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an
uncle or an aunt.

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:

"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'

He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F's and one D:

"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:

"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he
takes his wife on all the road trips....

Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

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Thursday, April 12, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Secrets to a Long Happy Marriage
-------------------------

A old woman was sipping on a glass of wine,
while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says,
"I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"...

Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?

She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."


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Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Hole Problem
-------------------------

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After
the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had
been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He
couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a
mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only
one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"


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Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
-------------------------

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

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Monday, April 9, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Supermarket
-------------------------

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes
on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of
fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered
corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

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Sunday, April 8, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
High Medical Cost
-------------------------

As I was admitted the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying " I'm going to give you a bracelet. "

" Has it got Rubies and Diamonds ? " I ask coyly.

" No, " he said. " But it cost just as much. "


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Saturday, April 7, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Almonds
-------------------------

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City Christmas
Shopper Seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on
his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he
gratefully munches up.


After approx 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and
hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture
about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady
why they do not eat the almonds themselves.


She replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth;
they are not able to chew them.


"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.


The old lady Answers, "we just love the chocolate around them."

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Friday, April 6, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hot and Cold Sex
-------------------------

After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: "You appear to be in good health..
Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do." said the old man.

"After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, "Everything appears to be fine..
Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns..

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem.
He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?"

"Oh, that crazy old bastard" she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August."


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Thursday, April 5, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Onestone
-------------------------

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named
because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love
to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a
woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for
many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed
her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day,
made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?

You can't kill two birds with one stone.


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Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Two Red Ears
-------------------------


A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

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Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Preacher
-------------------------

The Preacher explains that he must move on to a large congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims:

"If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: "If the Preacher will
stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"

More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the preacher stays, I will give him sex," There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said...... "Screw the Preacher."


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Monday, April 2, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Texas Poll
-------------------------

The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

30% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

70% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio. "


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Sunday, April 1, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st April, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st April, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Housework Challenged
-------------------------

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."


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