Saturday, October 31, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lawyers Are Full Of Bull
-------------------------

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."




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Friday, October 30, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Apples
-------------------------

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'



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Thursday, October 29, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sex on the Sabbath
-------------------------

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."





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Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Helping Hand
-------------------------

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they
came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog
on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is
carrying him to the doctor."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said
the little one.

"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl,
"and they screw you every time!"





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Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Venus and Mars
-------------------------

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...




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Sunday, October 25, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Pharmacist
-------------------------

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the
door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone."


Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront
the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he
could say more than a few words, the druggist
told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen
to my side of it...


This morning the alarm failed to go off, so
I was late getting up. I went without breakfast
and hurried out to the car, just to realize that
I locked the house with both house and car keys
inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding
ticket.


Later, about three blocks from the store, I
had a flat tire. When I got to the store there
was a bunch of people waiting for me to open
up. I opened and started waiting on these people,
and all the time the darn phone was ringing off
the hook."


He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of
nickels against the cash register drawer to make
change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the
nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I
came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,
which made me stagger back against a showcase
with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of
them hit the floor and broke.


Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with
no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It
was your wife. She wanted to know how to use
a rectal thermometer...and, honest mister, all
I did was tell her!"





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Saturday, October 24, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Healthy Proverbs
-------------------------

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going
to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall
never cease to be amused.






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Friday, October 23, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
How Old Am I?
-------------------------

The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming
for a long time. She decided to get his attention.
"Johnny," she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles
around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how
old am I?

"Thirty-four," Johnny answered unhesitatingly.

The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from
my actual age. Tell me...how did you guess?"

Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said. "My
big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."





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Thursday, October 22, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gift from God
-------------------------

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice
said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we start wearing rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen"





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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gift from God
-------------------------

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice
said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we start wearing rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen"





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Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Tax Form
-------------------------

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (AP) - The city's tax superintendent has been suspended without pay for a week for trying to inject some humor in the city income tax filing instructions.

The forms - with such lines as, "If we can tax it, we will," - were sent last week to all Middletown businesses and residents who pay city income tax.

The attempt at humor by Linda Stubbs was called "misguided" by city Finance Director John Lyons.

Lyons said revised forms were sent out immediately at a cost to taxpayers of about $5,500.

Among the lines that city officials didn't think were very funny was this one:

"Free advice: if you don't have a profit in a five-year period, you might want to consider another line of work."

Middletown is about 25 miles northeast of Cincinnati.







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Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Redneck Genealogy
-------------------------

Two fellows from Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon.

After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."




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Monday, October 19, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Deep Thoughts
-------------------------

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF'D UP?

Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?





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Sunday, October 18, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Twenty Dollars
-------------------------

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2
million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut.




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Saturday, October 17, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Police Humor
-------------------------

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."





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Friday, October 16, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bear Alert
-------------------------

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear
conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is
advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra
precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They
advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their
clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting
them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray
with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a
good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black
bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and
contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung
has little bells in it and smells like pepper.






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Thursday, October 15, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bought A Porsche
-------------------------

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to
scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought
it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that
for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name--they
just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to
buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh No," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she
will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived
and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced
himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen
dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii
with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his
new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."





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Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Things That Took Me Fifty Years To Learn!!
-------------------------

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2.) If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

3.) There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

4.) People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5.) And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6.) You should not confuse your career with your life.

7.) No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8.) When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.

9.) Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10.) A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

11.) Never lick a steak knife.

12.) Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

13.) "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

14.) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15.) Your REAL friends still love you anyway.




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Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Rose Buds
-------------------------

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her
date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her
grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to
dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are
modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and
out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the
grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The
teenager wants to die. She explains to her
grandmother that she has friends coming over and that
it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your
rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."




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Monday, October 12, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Panties
-------------------------

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I cant wear your trousers," she said.

"That's right, said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I cant get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."




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Sunday, October 11, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
100 Bricks
-------------------------

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open
window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave
them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.

If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them. Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in
engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping. Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been
moved. Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least.

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved,
congratulate them and put them in Executive Management.




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Saturday, October 10, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gambling Problem
-------------------------

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."

I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"





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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gambling Problem
-------------------------

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."

I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"





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Friday, October 9, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
United Way
-------------------------

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"




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Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Home Remedies
-------------------------

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto!

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink..

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer..

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button .

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.







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Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Love Lives
-------------------------

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.
After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.

The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."

The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."

The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"




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Monday, October 5, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cats
-------------------------

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." -
-Dave Platt

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are
subtle and will piss on your computer." --Bruce
Graham

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants
breakfast." --Unknown

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as
gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats
to pull a sled through the snow." --Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --
English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --
Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemmingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message
and get back to you later." --Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are
subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of
one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in
their next life." --Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe.
They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The
wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte
Taine

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats
are there to welcome me." --Unknown

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of
life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --
Ernest Menaul

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are
God."

"Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and
cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities
as well." --Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make
friends with strange cats." --Colonial American
proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does
any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood
Krutch

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic"

"My husband said it was either him or the cat ... I
miss him sometimes."

"Dogs have owners....cats have a staff".








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Sunday, October 4, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
-------------------------

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't
realize that he must first deal with his problems on "THIS" side of the
road before it goes after his problems on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road.
What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not
taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems,
which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having
the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of
life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive
across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly
see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road ..

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a
chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of
the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road,
I am now against it. It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled
about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain
against it. Probably.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY!
You can see it in his eyes, and in the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking
American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me what direction
that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to
sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave
me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken - cross the road? Did he cross it -
with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road - but why it crossed -
I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken is gay! Can't you people
see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to
the "other side." That's why they call it, the "other side." Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will
become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless
phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the
road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was
good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: In a few moments, we will be listening for
the first time,that same chicken tell us, in its own words, the
heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting,
and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens .... It's easy, if you
try ..... Crossing roads, together .... Hoping not to die .....
Imagine all, the chickens .... Crossing, roads, in peace ....

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2000, Millennium
Edition, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer
is a integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable
and will never cras ... #@&&^(!

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did
the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What
is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?




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Saturday, October 3, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Germs
-------------------------

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.





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Friday, October 2, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Fingers
-------------------------

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the
buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his
fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll
see what I can do."


Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."


The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the
fingers? It's 2010. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and
made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"


Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."





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Thursday, October 1, 2015

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st October, 2015

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st October, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Organic
-------------------------

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.
I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These
vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any
poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to
do that yourself."




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