Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th January, 2018

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th January, 2018 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Good Advice from Maxine
-------------------------

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20180130

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th January, 2018

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th January, 2018 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Car Accident
-------------------------

I rear- ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Well, i couldnt believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, " Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....








-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20180127

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Friday, January 26, 2018

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th January, 2018

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th January, 2018 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Doctor Visit
-------------------------

"I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual but I seem to have a lettuce stuck in my bottom!"

"Good grief" the doctor replies "I'd better take a look"

"It's worse than that" the doctor says after the examination - "thats just the tip of the iceberg"




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20180125

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Monday, January 22, 2018

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st January, 2018

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st January, 2018 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Garbage Bags
-------------------------

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately,
There is a rip in one of the bags,and every once in a while a $20 bill
Falls out onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of your bag.'

"Oh, really? Damn!' says the little old lady.
I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the
warning.'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you
Get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh no,' says the little old lady. 'You see, my back
Yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time
there is a game, a lot of the fans come and pee through the bushes, right
Into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big
Hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through
the Bushes, I say, '$20 or off it comes!'

'Well, that seems only fair,' laughs the cop. 'Ok, good
Luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well,' says the little old lady, 'not everybody Pays.




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20180121

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th January, 2018

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th January, 2018 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Kiss and Slap
-------------------------

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The General manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!"







-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20180120

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th January, 2018

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th January, 2018 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
It Was A Tough Year...But I Made It
-------------------------

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'.

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck..




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20180110

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th January, 2018

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th January, 2018 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Senior Personal Ads
-------------------------

Some 'Senior' personal ads seen in "The Villages" Florida newspapers:

(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)


FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and
belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock,
still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.


MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20180109

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Monday, January 8, 2018

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th January, 2018

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th January, 2018 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Quarterback
-------------------------

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20180108

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Sunday, January 7, 2018

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th January, 2018

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th January, 2018 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Newspaper Headlines
-------------------------

The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers. The irony
in some of these are absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (though
sometimes awkward). Check them out:

- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Eye Drops Off Shelf
- Teachers Strike Idle Kids
- Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20180107

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Saturday, January 6, 2018

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th January, 2018

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th January, 2018 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
General Conversations
-------------------------

Useful phrases when dealing with the general population. Try to incorporate
these into your conversations . . .

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Ahhh...I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again...

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

Are you a ray of sunshine every day?

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really
quite busy.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.






-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20180106

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Friday, January 5, 2018

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th January, 2018

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th January, 2018 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Early Dementia Test
-------------------------

It's that time of year to take our annual senior
citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important
as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's
important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use
it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge
your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're
losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't
see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your
mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up
now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk"

What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next
question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content
yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto
World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from
blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house
is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why
the heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to
Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided
into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the
flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining
engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally
crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between
East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East
Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you
said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In
Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four
get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea
, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen,
six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Now pass this along to all your friends and
pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!






-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20180105

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Thursday, January 4, 2018

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th January, 2018

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th January, 2018 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cough
-------------------------

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a
wall with an odd look on his face.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his
cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of
laxatives."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him-he's afraid to cough!"





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20180104

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd January, 2018

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd January, 2018 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Alaskan Party
-------------------------

Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...

"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20180103

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd January, 2018

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd January, 2018 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Modern Proverbs
-------------------------

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going
to a garage makes you a mechanic.

c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.

g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious

i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.

k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.

l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way
again.

m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.

o.. Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.

p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.

y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when
I'm in the bathroom.

z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.








-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20180102

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml