JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th July, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Bob's Annual Review:
-------------------------
1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues.Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.
Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while
I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only
the odd lines.
-------------------------
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Saturday, July 27, 2019
Thursday, July 25, 2019
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th July, 2019
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th July, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Fly
-------------------------
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!
ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shi*t.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Fly
-------------------------
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!
ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shi*t.
-------------------------
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Wednesday, July 24, 2019
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th July, 2019
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th July, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Quarter
-------------------------
A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into
Heaven?"
The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter
to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after
a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also
gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to
affirm that it was true.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
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-------------------------
The Quarter
-------------------------
A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into
Heaven?"
The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter
to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after
a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also
gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to
affirm that it was true.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
-------------------------
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Tuesday, July 23, 2019
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd July, 2019
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd July, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Being Six Again
-------------------------
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her
birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up
bright and early and off they went to a local
theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride
in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,
the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme
park, her head reeling and her stomach upside
down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where
her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then
it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic,
a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous
adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly
asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six
again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my
dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man
is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Being Six Again
-------------------------
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her
birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up
bright and early and off they went to a local
theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride
in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,
the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme
park, her head reeling and her stomach upside
down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where
her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then
it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic,
a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous
adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly
asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six
again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my
dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man
is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
-------------------------
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Monday, July 22, 2019
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd July, 2019
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd July, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
New York City Bartenders
-------------------------
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her,> if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
New York City Bartenders
-------------------------
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her,> if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay.
-------------------------
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Sunday, July 21, 2019
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st July, 2019
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st July, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Ten Times Normal
-------------------------
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body
part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be
asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and
they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is
she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part
that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As
for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Ten Times Normal
-------------------------
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body
part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be
asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and
they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is
she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part
that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As
for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
-------------------------
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Thursday, July 18, 2019
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th July, 2019
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th July, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Power of Suggestion
-------------------------
The following ad in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls:
"Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight week-old black Labrador retriever.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Power of Suggestion
-------------------------
The following ad in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls:
"Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight week-old black Labrador retriever.
-------------------------
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Wednesday, July 17, 2019
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th July, 2019
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th July, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Divorce Barbie
-------------------------
One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and *shock* he hadn't bought her anything. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was 'now or never', he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.
After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the shop assistant. When asked what he'd like, he simply says: "a Barbie Doll".
The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, "So Sir, which Barbie would that be?"
The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."
The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"
"Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant,
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Divorce Barbie
-------------------------
One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and *shock* he hadn't bought her anything. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was 'now or never', he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.
After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the shop assistant. When asked what he'd like, he simply says: "a Barbie Doll".
The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, "So Sir, which Barbie would that be?"
The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."
The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"
"Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant,
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
-------------------------
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Monday, July 15, 2019
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th July, 2019
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th July, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Health Advice
-------------------------
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not
make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of
field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As
we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer
and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of
elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a
burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one
to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench
press. What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air
up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though
if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in,
you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain-No
Pain.
Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind.
If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record
time.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
trying to live a longer and healthier life...
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Health Advice
-------------------------
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not
make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of
field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As
we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer
and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of
elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a
burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one
to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench
press. What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air
up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though
if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in,
you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain-No
Pain.
Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind.
If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record
time.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
trying to live a longer and healthier life...
-------------------------
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Thursday, July 11, 2019
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th July, 2019
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th July, 2019 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Ultimate Rejection Letter
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Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109
Dear Professor Millington,
Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen
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Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20190711
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml
-------------------------
Ultimate Rejection Letter
-------------------------
Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109
Dear Professor Millington,
Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen
-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------
Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20190711
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml
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