JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Murphy's Technology Laws
-------------------------
You can never tell which way the train went by looking
at the track.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong
conclusion with confidence.
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn
fool discovers something which either abolishes the
system or expands it beyond recognition.
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they
do not understand.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote
programs, then the first woodpecker that came along
would destroy civilization.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely
with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as it
electrical cord.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and
less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe
and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint
on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
All's well that ends.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and
the hours are lost.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final
inspection.
New systems generate new problems.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a
computer.
We don't know one millionth of one percent about
anything.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable
from magic.
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20
men working 20 years make.
The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a
crashed state.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting
in an honest day's work.
Some people manage by the book, even though they don't
know who wrote the book or even what book.
The primary function of the design engineer is to make
things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for
the serviceman.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will
take the longest and cost the most.
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said
than done.
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is
obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts
which are still under development.
A complex system that works is invariably found to have
evolved from a simple system that works.
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try
multiplying by the page number.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more
unreliable. Any system which depends on human
reliability is unreliable.
Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that
might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of
pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other
variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds
that the competition already has the order.
In designing any type of construction, no overall dimen-
sion can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The
correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on
Monday.
Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it
itches.
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving
door.
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong
the one that will cause the most damage will be the one
to go wrong.
Everything that goes up must come down.
Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least
accessible corner.
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated
way.
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool
will want to use it.
The degree of technical competence is inversely
proportional to the level of management.
Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.
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Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Monday, May 30, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Special Golf Ball
-------------------------
Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that
his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.
"Nope, I only need one ball."
"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"
"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need
another one."
"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot
and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it
puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose
this ball"
"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"
"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up
puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose
this ball"
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun
goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost
among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?"
"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it
makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend
asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
"I found it."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Special Golf Ball
-------------------------
Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that
his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.
"Nope, I only need one ball."
"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"
"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need
another one."
"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot
and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it
puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose
this ball"
"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"
"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up
puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose
this ball"
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun
goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost
among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?"
"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it
makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend
asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
"I found it."
-------------------------
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Sunday, May 29, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Beethoven
-------------------------
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple
days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard
some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint,
unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran
and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened
for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony,
being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,
and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept
listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the
magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered
in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.
It's just Beethoven decomposing."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Beethoven
-------------------------
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple
days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard
some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint,
unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran
and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened
for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony,
being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,
and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept
listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the
magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered
in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.
It's just Beethoven decomposing."
-------------------------
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Saturday, May 28, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Earring
-------------------------
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Earring
-------------------------
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."
-------------------------
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Friday, May 27, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Three Nurses
-------------------------
Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Three Nurses
-------------------------
Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"
-------------------------
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Thursday, May 26, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Newspaper Headlines
-------------------------
The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers. The irony
in some of these are absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (though
sometimes awkward). Check them out:
- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Eye Drops Off Shelf
- Teachers Strike Idle Kids
- Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Newspaper Headlines
-------------------------
The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers. The irony
in some of these are absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (though
sometimes awkward). Check them out:
- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Eye Drops Off Shelf
- Teachers Strike Idle Kids
- Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died
-------------------------
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Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Good Advice from Maxine
-------------------------
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Good Advice from Maxine
-------------------------
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
-------------------------
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Tuesday, May 24, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Puns, For the Educated Mind
-------------------------
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Puns, For the Educated Mind
-------------------------
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
-------------------------
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Monday, May 23, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives
-------------------------
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get
another dog??
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think
it's interesting..
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives
-------------------------
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get
another dog??
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think
it's interesting..
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
-------------------------
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Sunday, May 22, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Mouse Balls
-------------------------
NOTE: I don't know how anyone could write this with a straight face!
This was an actual memo sent at an unnamed computer company to its
employees. It went to all the company's field engineers, and it was in
regard to a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was
quite serious; the engineers rolled on the floor! (Especially note the
last sentence!)
INSTRUCTIONS FOR REPLACING MOUSE BALLS
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically,
it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by
properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the
mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic
balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling
can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should
contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these
necessary items.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Mouse Balls
-------------------------
NOTE: I don't know how anyone could write this with a straight face!
This was an actual memo sent at an unnamed computer company to its
employees. It went to all the company's field engineers, and it was in
regard to a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was
quite serious; the engineers rolled on the floor! (Especially note the
last sentence!)
INSTRUCTIONS FOR REPLACING MOUSE BALLS
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically,
it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by
properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the
mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic
balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling
can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should
contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these
necessary items.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
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Saturday, May 21, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Aging with a Smile
-------------------------
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few
drinks first.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as
it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are
just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
I think I've reached my sexpiration date.
People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we
get cable or that dish thing.
The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs.
The bad news is they have to squat down first.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they
haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child
playing with matches.
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Aging with a Smile
-------------------------
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few
drinks first.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as
it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are
just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
I think I've reached my sexpiration date.
People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we
get cable or that dish thing.
The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs.
The bad news is they have to squat down first.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they
haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child
playing with matches.
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.
-------------------------
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Friday, May 20, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Pharmacy
-------------------------
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.
We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do none of those'.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Pharmacy
-------------------------
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.
We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do none of those'.
-------------------------
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Thursday, May 19, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Hollywood Squares
-------------------------
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it..
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Hollywood Squares
-------------------------
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it..
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
-------------------------
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Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Windows
-------------------------
Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.
Guess I must have won that silly argument.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Windows
-------------------------
Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.
Guess I must have won that silly argument.
-------------------------
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Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Things you would love to say out loud at work....
-------------------------
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t .
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing &still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
41. Stick your job where the sun don't shine
42. Hello I'm from renta-kill - were abouts is the rat you want exterminating"
43. I see !! your going to do it that way then - MMmmmm
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Things you would love to say out loud at work....
-------------------------
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t .
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing &still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
41. Stick your job where the sun don't shine
42. Hello I'm from renta-kill - were abouts is the rat you want exterminating"
43. I see !! your going to do it that way then - MMmmmm
-------------------------
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Monday, May 16, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Ponderisms
-------------------------
1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
3· Life is sexually transmitted.
4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it Normal .
11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever Comes out'?
13· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
14· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
15· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
16· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
18· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
19· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
20· Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Ponderisms
-------------------------
1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
3· Life is sexually transmitted.
4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it Normal .
11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever Comes out'?
13· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
14· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
15· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
16· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
18· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
19· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
20· Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
-------------------------
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Sunday, May 15, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Confessional
-------------------------
An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said to
the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11
grandchildren. Last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18
year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest replied, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in
confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
The priest paused, and then asked, "So then, why are you telling me?"
"Hey, I'm telling everybody."
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-------------------------
The Confessional
-------------------------
An old man walked into the confessional at the cathedral and said to
the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11
grandchildren. Last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18
year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest replied, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in
confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
The priest paused, and then asked, "So then, why are you telling me?"
"Hey, I'm telling everybody."
-------------------------
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Friday, May 13, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Southwest Airlines
-------------------------
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out
the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby
dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby
airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to
ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The
stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell
you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest
always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Southwest Airlines
-------------------------
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out
the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby
dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby
airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to
ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The
stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell
you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest
always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."
-------------------------
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Thursday, May 12, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
-------------------------
I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build
muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy,
so I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three
days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface,
where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms
straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as
you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day,
you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then
50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms
straight for more than a full minute.
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
-------------------------
I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build
muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy,
so I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three
days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface,
where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms
straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as
you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day,
you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then
50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms
straight for more than a full minute.
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.
-------------------------
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Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Things You Learn In Marriage
-------------------------
During the banquet celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, Tom was
asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of
such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years
with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It
teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness, and
many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single in the
first place."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Things You Learn In Marriage
-------------------------
During the banquet celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, Tom was
asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of
such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years
with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It
teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness, and
many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single in the
first place."
-------------------------
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Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Stress Management
-------------------------
Having a rough day?
Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.
The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See, you're smiling already.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Stress Management
-------------------------
Having a rough day?
Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.
The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See, you're smiling already.
-------------------------
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Monday, May 9, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Test
-------------------------
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.
This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right..
While at the funeral of her own mother, a woman met a man who she did not know. She thought he was 'amazing'. She believed him to be her dream partner so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.
A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What was her motive for killing her sister?
Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below..
Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.
This was a test developed by a famous American psychologist, used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.
Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly... If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Test
-------------------------
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.
This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right..
While at the funeral of her own mother, a woman met a man who she did not know. She thought he was 'amazing'. She believed him to be her dream partner so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.
A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What was her motive for killing her sister?
Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below..
Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.
This was a test developed by a famous American psychologist, used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.
Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly... If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list.
-------------------------
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Sunday, May 8, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Actual Lines from Resumes
-------------------------
I am very detail-oreinted.
My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
I am sicking and entry-level position.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.
You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!
I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
Please disregard the attached resume—it is terribly out of date.
Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.
Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.
Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
I am a rabid typist.
Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.
I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.
Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.
I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
Special Skills: Speak English.
Served as assistant sore manager.
Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.
Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.
Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Actual Lines from Resumes
-------------------------
I am very detail-oreinted.
My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
I am sicking and entry-level position.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.
You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!
I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
Please disregard the attached resume—it is terribly out of date.
Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.
Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.
Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
I am a rabid typist.
Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.
I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.
Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.
I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
Special Skills: Speak English.
Served as assistant sore manager.
Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.
Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.
Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis
-------------------------
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Saturday, May 7, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Double Negative
-------------------------
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative
is still a negative.
"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a
double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Double Negative
-------------------------
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative
is still a negative.
"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a
double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
-------------------------
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Friday, May 6, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Lift
-------------------------
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski
facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long
flight came by and asked me where the lift was.
"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool,
200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."
Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man
behind them spoke up.
"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the
elevator."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Lift
-------------------------
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski
facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long
flight came by and asked me where the lift was.
"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool,
200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."
Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man
behind them spoke up.
"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the
elevator."
-------------------------
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Thursday, May 5, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Harley-Davidson
-------------------------
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such
a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, Your
reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to
hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me,
but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in some key words
And waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding
my invention than yours."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Harley-Davidson
-------------------------
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such
a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, Your
reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to
hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me,
but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in some key words
And waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding
my invention than yours."
-------------------------
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Wednesday, May 4, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Rat Experiment
-------------------------
At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked
to another, "Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyers
for experiments in our lab?"
"Really?" replied the other researcher. "Why the switch?"
"There were a number of reasons," the first researcher explained.
"First, our lab assistants don't become so attached to them. Second, lawyers
breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful. Third, animal rights
groups have no objection to their torture and fourth, there are some things
even a rat won't do."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Rat Experiment
-------------------------
At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked
to another, "Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyers
for experiments in our lab?"
"Really?" replied the other researcher. "Why the switch?"
"There were a number of reasons," the first researcher explained.
"First, our lab assistants don't become so attached to them. Second, lawyers
breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful. Third, animal rights
groups have no objection to their torture and fourth, there are some things
even a rat won't do."
-------------------------
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Tuesday, May 3, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Job Interview
-------------------------
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?"
The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says
"Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question
"What do two plus two equal?"
The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question
"What do two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next
to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
-------------------------
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________________________________________________
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-------------------------
Job Interview
-------------------------
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"
The mathematician replies "Four."
The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?"
The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says
"Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question
"What do two plus two equal?"
The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question
"What do two plus two equal?"
The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next
to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"
-------------------------
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Monday, May 2, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Dying Man
-------------------------
A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil."
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
-------------------------
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________________________________________________
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-------------------------
The Dying Man
-------------------------
A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil."
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
-------------------------
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Sunday, May 1, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st May, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st May, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Skin Graft
-------------------------
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks.
-------------------------
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________________________________________________
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-------------------------
The Skin Graft
-------------------------
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20160501
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
________________________________________________
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