Saturday, November 29, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Race Horses
-------------------------

I believe that earlier this year the US Postal Service also issued a set of
stamps featuring american race horses.

This must be one of the great ironies of the horse racing industry. If a
horse wins its races it gets put on the front of a postage stamp. If it
loses it gets put on the back!




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Friday, November 28, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Water Pistol
-------------------------

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his
grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and
headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm
surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water
guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."





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Thursday, November 27, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Notice to All EMS Personnel
-------------------------

From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS
narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective
immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations
to describe patients, such as the following.

a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH
(messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA
(had it before, got it again).
b.. Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use
CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go
boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly,
descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative
vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not
considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
g.. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal
intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws
up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling
the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our
patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives
and log entries.






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Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Talking Clock
-------------------------

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup" replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "You friggin' IDIOT!...it's ten past three in the morning!"





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Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Whole Truth
-------------------------

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug!"



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Monday, November 24, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Kids Thoughts on Marriage
-------------------------

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10



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Sunday, November 23, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The History of Teaching Math
-------------------------

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The
cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots
representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of
production contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset
of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the
set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80
and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you
think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after
answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger
cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80
to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising
his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because
this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 2010:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when
demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut
back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3
weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The
contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 2013:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian
subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid
half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl,
and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted
owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for
exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts
the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of
the lobbying costs?






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Saturday, November 22, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bologna Sandwich
-------------------------

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."




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Friday, November 21, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Jar
-------------------------

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous - yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, and your children - Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.

"Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."




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Thursday, November 20, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Thoughts for the Day
-------------------------

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Procrastinate Now!

I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

Make your words sweet & tender today, for tomorrow you
may have to eat them.




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Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Pest Control
-------------------------

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm an inspector from Termite Busters," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."



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Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
George Carlin's Philosophy Class
-------------------------

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is
no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
22. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
25. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
27. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
29. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
30. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
31. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
32. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
33. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
34. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
35. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
37. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
38. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
39. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?





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Monday, November 17, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Thoughts for the Day
-------------------------

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Procrastinate Now!

I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

Make your words sweet & tender today, for tomorrow you
may have to eat them.




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Sunday, November 16, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sooner Fan
-------------------------
A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet
mall to do their tax-free back to school shopping. While in the sports shop
the son picks up an Oklahoma jersey and says to his older sister, "I've
decided to become a Sooner fan and I would like to wear this to school".

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head
and says, "Go talk to mother".

Off goes the little lad with the Oklahoma jersey in hand and finds his
mother.

"Mom?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this
jersey".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and
says, "Go talk to your father!"

Off he goes with the Oklahoma Jersey in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this
jersey".

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says,
"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT CRAP!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards
home.

The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something
today?"

The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

To which the son replies, "I've only been a Oklahoma fan for an hour and I
already hate you Texas bastards."







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Saturday, November 15, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Call Girl
-------------------------

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says.

Wow! she sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is $ex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic,...... but for an outside line Sir, you need to press 9."






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Friday, November 14, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Job Opening
-------------------------

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....

Officer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"




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Thursday, November 13, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cave Drawings
-------------------------

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least Three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge Meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a Woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.


The audience applauded enthusiastically.



Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left...... It says: 'Holy Mackerel Dig the Ass on that Chick.' "



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Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
30 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid
-------------------------

*A few clowns short of a circus
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
*A few beers short of six-pack
*A few peas short of a casserole
*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
*One taco short of a combination plate
*A few feathers short of a whole duck
*All foam, no beer
*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
*Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
*Too much yardage between the goalposts
*An intellect rivalled only by garden tools
*As smart as bait
*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
*Forgot to pay his brain bill
*Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops
*If he had another brain, it would be lonely
*No grain in the silo
*Proof that evolution can go in reverse
*Receiver is off the hook
*Several nuts short of a full pouch
*He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down






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Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Things you would love to say out loud at work....
-------------------------



1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t .

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing &still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

41. Stick your job where the sun don't shine

42. Hello I'm from renta-kill - were abouts is the rat you want exterminating"

43. I see !! your going to do it that way then - MMmmmm






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Monday, November 10, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Congress
-------------------------

"Vermont Senator James Jeffords is being called a hero today after he chased down a teenager who stole a wallet from his daughter-in-law on Capitol Hill. How fat are our kids getting when they're being run down by 68-year-old senators. ... At one point Jeffords yelled out 'Stop thief' and two hundred congressmen froze." - Jay Leno

"Some scholars have argued [that] the Constitution clearly states only Congress can declare war, and they are not allowed to simply delegate that authority to the president. However, you can get around that with the legal technique of taking the word 'constitution' and adding the word 'shmonstitution' to the end of it." - Jon Stewart

"Earlier this week the Senate voted 97-to-0 for tougher regulations. For example, when corporations buy a senator, they must now get a receipt." - Jay Leno




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Sunday, November 9, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ice Cream Parlor
-------------------------

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself
slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?

No," he replied, "arthritis".




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Saturday, November 8, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Birth Control Pills
-------------------------

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next
checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines
that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he
realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do
you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

Yes, they help me sleep at night. "

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these
that could possibly help you sleep!

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear,I know
that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of
orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks . . . and believe
me, it helps me sleep at night. "

You gotta love Grandmas!




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Friday, November 7, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dead Horse
-------------------------

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse"

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.

10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead".

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare the horse is now "better, faster and cheaper."

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.






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Thursday, November 6, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blood Lines
-------------------------

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was
telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the
compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too
much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French
blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What
do you say to that?"

The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."







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Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Official Announcement
-------------------------

Official Announcement:
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle
to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political
stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next
generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're
actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that."





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Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sun Don't Shine
-------------------------

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After
dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where
the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the
whole thing.

"Whudd'ya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.

The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."





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Monday, November 3, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Deer Camp
-------------------------

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him
the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you?

He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him
all night. '

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all
standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'

He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof
with his snoring. I watched him all night .'

The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly
ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy
tailed. ' Good morning,' he said.

They couldn't believe it!
They said, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob
into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
Bob sat up and watched me all night.'




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Sunday, November 2, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Flying a Kite
-------------------------

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly
a kite with his son. However, every time the
kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing
back down.

This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks
her head out of the front door and yells, "You
need more tail."

The father turns to his son and says, "Son,
I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday,
I told her I needed more tail, and she told me
to go fly a kite!"





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Saturday, November 1, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st November, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st November, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Heaven and Hell
-------------------------

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator is tragically hit by a car and killed. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that, before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven for a day."
So, the Senator joins a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns
"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning to get your vote...Today, you voted."


Vote wisely in November.



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