Sunday, February 28, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Apple Does It Again!
-------------------------

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup size, speaker size, and storage capacity.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about

men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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Saturday, February 27, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Apples
-------------------------

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

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Friday, February 26, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Back Pew
-------------------------

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation
and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's
family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided
to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more
it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair
and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as
He gives us.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in
her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of
it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

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Thursday, February 25, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
An Aniversary
-------------------------

Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids,all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry" said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad". I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you".

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter,a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too!"

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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Health and Nutrition
-------------------------

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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-------------------------

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Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2010
-------------------------

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2010

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day;
teach a person to use the Internet, and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ....
Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a 'slight' tax increase cost you $200.00, and a 'substantial' tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2010

"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers:
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow!

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Sunday, February 21, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Twenty Dollars
-------------------------

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2
million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut.

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Saturday, February 20, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Top Ten Country Western Songs
-------------------------

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I've Woke
Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me


7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared
She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed
My Ass All Day

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Friday, February 19, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Learn to Speak Southern...
-------------------------

Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...

Hah Tu Spek Suthun:

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

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-------------------------

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Thursday, February 18, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
How To Be a Gracious Bitch
-------------------------

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear......I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.''

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-------------------------

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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New Cop
-------------------------

The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.
"Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired.

"But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..."

"Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown
and sit a while till the sarge gets back."

"But, officer, I think you really should know..."

"And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."

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Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Truck Stop
-------------------------

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"


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Monday, February 15, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Guts vs. Balls
-------------------------

This is really important that you can determine the difference!

We've all heard about people having guts or balls But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below......

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

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-------------------------

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Sunday, February 14, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
An Elderly Man Lived Alone
-------------------------

AN elderly man lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and he went to the parish priest and asked if he would say a mass for his poor departed pet. The priest replied: "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane."

"I'll go right away Father," the man replied. "Do ya think $5000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

"Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?" the priest exclaimed.


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-------------------------

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Saturday, February 13, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Two Parrots
-------------------------

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
Father, I have problem. I have two female parrots, but
they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have
some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought
for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution
to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I
have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two
parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage
with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . .
in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well
be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the
priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his
two male parrots were inside their cage holding
rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over
and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in
unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was
stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other
male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been
answered!"

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-------------------------

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Thursday, February 11, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Potty
-------------------------

A Little Three Year Old Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet. His Mother Thinks He Has Been In There Too Long, So She Goes In To See What's Up. The Little Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet Reading A Book. But About Every 10 Seconds Or So He Puts The Book Down, Grips Onto To The Toilet Seat With His Left Hand And Hits Himself On Top Of The Head With His Right Hand.

His Mother Says: "billy, Are You All Right?you've Been In Here For A While...

Billy Says: "i'm Fine, Mommy.. I Just Haven't Gone 'doody' Yet."

Mother Says: "ok, You Can Stay Here A Few More Minutes.but, Billy, Why Are You Hitting Yourself On The Head?"


Billy Says: "works For Ketchup."

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-------------------------

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Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
City Boy
-------------------------

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to
give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken
farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns
out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The
neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't
easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100
chickens."

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new
neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer
said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died."

The neighbor said, "Oh,
I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens.
I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new
farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100
chickens died too."

Astounded, the neighbor asked, "what went wrong?
What did you do to them?"

Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too
deep or not far apart enough."


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-------------------------

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Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
-------------------------

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
John noticed a film like substance on his plate,and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game
he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!
'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

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-------------------------

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Monday, February 8, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Kids Marriage Advice
-------------------------

( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like
sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10 --


( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,
and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10 --


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know
the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10 --


( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be
a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE

( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use
them to get to know each other. Even boys have
something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)


( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other
lies and that usually gets them interested enough to
go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10 (wise beyond his years)


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE
THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would
call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about
me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

( 1 ) When they're rich
-- Pam, age 7

( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I
wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone,
then you should marry them and have kids with them.
It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8 (this one has very good morals!)


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you
one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I
don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8

( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for
boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT
IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,
wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty,
even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

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-------------------------

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Sunday, February 7, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Few Laughs for You
-------------------------

Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years .... then we met.

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

Sign in pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.

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-------------------------

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Friday, February 5, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
9 Months Later!
-------------------------

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do youremember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)


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-------------------------

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Thursday, February 4, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines
-------------------------

Thank you for purchasing
'Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines'
brought to you by Bubba & Cooter. Enjoy!


1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room...

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.


AND.. the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

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-------------------------

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Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Redneck Love
-------------------------

Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first made love.

"It was right down there by that thar tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day." We was madly in love. We made our way down to that thar tree and made love fer hours," explained Clem.

"That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed.

"Yep, it was goin' real good until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us."

"Damn, what did her momma say when she saw you was makin' love to her daughter?"


"Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"

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-------------------------

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Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Manners
-------------------------

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:
Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.


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-------------------------

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Monday, February 1, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st February, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st February, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Easy Computer Fix
-------------------------

I received this from a CEO that I worked with a few years back. He doesn't want to admit it but I think this is his true experience.

I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him
to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little sh*t


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-------------------------

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