Saturday, October 31, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st October, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st October, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Nun and the Cabbie
-------------------------

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull in to the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

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Friday, October 30, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th October, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th October, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ain't Love Grand
-------------------------

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife
with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost
70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to his host,
'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your
wife those loving pet names.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you
the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm
scared to death to ask the cranky old bitch what her name is.'

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Thursday, October 29, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th October, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th October, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
GCSE examination
-------------------------

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire ( U.K. )

These are genuine answers (from 16 year old boys)

(1)-----------Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar


(2)-----------Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists ....(Canoeists??)


(3)-------------Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire


(4)-------------Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All watertends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight


(5)------------Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed


(6)------------Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election


(7)------------Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs .................... (Shoot yourself now ,there is little hope)


(8)--------Q. What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental .......... ( at ballistic speed!!!)


(9)---------Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery .............. (So true)


(10)-------Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

(11)--------Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow .............................. (Oh my Gawdt)


(12)-------Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow ............................................................(Simple, but brilliant)


(13)---------Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels:
A,E,I,O and U ............................................................(What the *!!*???)


(14)----------Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie


(15)---------Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby


(16)--------------Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium .(That would work)


(17)----------Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome


(18)------------Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor .(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)


(19)-----------Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport .(Irrefutable)


(20)--------Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas


(21)-------Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face .........................(OMG)


(22)----------Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight


(23)-----------Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

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Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th October, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th October, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blonde Burglary
-------------------------

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once a nd
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th October, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th October, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hoya
-------------------------

It was election time and the politician decided to go out to the
local reservation and try to get the Native American vote.
They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.
The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was
getting more and more excited.

"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!".

The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was
encouraged by their enthusiasm.

"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native
Americans!"

The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and
saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch,
and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer
to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya..."


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-------------------------

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Monday, October 26, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th October, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th October, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Poison
-------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'

The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'

The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'

The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?'

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
'Take the poison.'


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-------------------------

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Sunday, October 25, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th October, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th October, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Old Cowboy
-------------------------

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'


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Saturday, October 24, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th October, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th October, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Easter Bunny
-------------------------

"A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

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Friday, October 23, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd October, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd October, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Special Golf Ball
-------------------------

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.

"Nope, I only need one ball."

"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"

"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one."

"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"

"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"

"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball"

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?"

"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

"I found it."

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Thursday, October 22, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd October, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd October, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Great Gift
-------------------------

Two old guys were chatting.....

One said to the other: "My 85th birthday was yesterday.
The wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing!!.....
Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st October, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st October, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
So True...
-------------------------

A woman was telling her friend, "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.

The woman replied, "A billionaire."


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Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th October, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th October, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
In the Army
-------------------------

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday.
Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up
all the troops.

"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to
sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.
Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform
Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me.
This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up."

"Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

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Saturday, October 10, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th October, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th October, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Generous Lawyer
-------------------------

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

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Friday, October 9, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th October, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th October, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bar Jar
-------------------------

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first. Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over awhile, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex. You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned.

'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!' he says. 'I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things. '

'Your call,' says the bartender, 'but your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face, and he does it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds..... then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.

He says, 'Now, where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

The moral of the story:

Listen carefully to directions, and don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!


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Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th October, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th October, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Light Bulb
-------------------------

How many online forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ".

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

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Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th October, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th October, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Elevator
-------------------------

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, ugly old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady walked between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."


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http://www.gemdepot.com

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Monday, October 5, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th October, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th October, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Great News
-------------------------

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm so glad that you feel this way. My mother moves in with us tomorrow."

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Online shopping from the earth's biggest selection of books, magazines,
music, DVDs, videos, electronics, computers, software, apparel & accessories,
shoes, jewelry, housewares, furniture, sporting goods, beauty & personal care,
just about anything else.
Shop at Amazon!
http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=jokeswareh-20

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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