Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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New Mercedes Owner
-------------------------

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening
drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was
left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and
blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a
Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The
needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind
him.

"What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop
came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and
the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I
don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for
your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was
afraid you were trying to give her back!"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Dr. Phil and Obsessions
-------------------------

Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "you are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick! We're leaving."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Long Cold Winter
-------------------------

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught he old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "We're sure it's going to be cold because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Price For Being Good
-------------------------

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Job Interview
-------------------------

Reaching the end of a job interview, the
Human Resources Person asked a young
Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what
starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood
of $125,000 a year, depending on the
benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would
you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation,
14 paid holidays, full medical and dental,
company matching retirement fund to 50% of
salary, and a company car leased every 2
years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!
Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you
started it."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Ole and the Doctor
-------------------------

Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut
off all ten off his fingers.

He vent to da emergency room at da Clinic and vhen he got dere da Norsky
doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's haf da fingers and I'll see vhat I
can do."

Ole said, "I hafn't got da fingers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafn't got da fingers?" the doctor cried.
"Yumpin' yiminy! It's 2005! Ve got microsurgery and all kinds off
incredible techniques. I could haf put dem back on and made you like new!
Vhy didn't you bring da fingers?"

To vhich Ole replied...

(Are you ready for dis???)
"How da fock was I suppose to pick'em up?"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Sarcastic Remarks For Work
-------------------------

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep
yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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New Company Policy
-------------------------

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up
on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the
following memo:

To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch
hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're
drunk than to think you're stupid.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Useful Military Warnings
-------------------------

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket
Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S.
Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's
left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you
just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry
Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col.
David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an
ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown
Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your
Buddies

(And lastly)

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -
U.S. Ammo Troop

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Generosity
-------------------------

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor.
"I feel really good today. I started out this
morning with an act of unselfish generosity.
I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's
a lot of money to just give away. What did your
husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to
do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Old Lady's Phone
-------------------------

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found.....

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

.....Which goes to show that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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>9 Months Later
-------------------------

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Kenny and the Donkey
-------------------------

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, so early in the morning he drove over to Kenny's.

Farmer: "Sorry son, I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny: "Well then, just give me my money back."

Farmer: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny: "OK then, just unload the donkey."

Farmer: "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny.

Farmer: "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenneth Lay grew up and eventually became founder, chairman and CEO of Enron Corporation!

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Unexpected Childbirth
-------------------------

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed
and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his
little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place...... smack his butt again!"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Work vs. Prison
-------------------------

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK....You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay
for it.

IN PRISON...You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK....You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK....You must carry around a security card and unlock and
open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK....You have to share.

IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and
then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars
from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time wanting to get out
and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK....They are called supervisors.

When I finally left my last place of work, it was just like
being released from prison, as I was free to do whatever
I wanted to.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Comparing Prices to Gasoline
-------------------------

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ........ $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ...........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ...... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 . $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ..... $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ......... .. $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .$84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon?!
$21.19 for WATER

And the buyers don't even know the source. (Evian
spelled backwards is Naive.)

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car
doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid Pepto Bismol or
Nyquil.

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next
trip to the pump...

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Terrible News
-------------------------

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Woodpecker
-------------------------

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which
place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree
that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker accepted his
challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The
Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck
a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian
woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge.
After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the
tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian
woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker
was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck
the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion -
your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Nooner
-------------------------

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and
just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before
Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When
Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And
again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to
travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and
he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked
the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field
with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air.
That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't
lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Homer
came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the Doc..
"Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer.
"Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and
Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love,
and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Revenge is Sweet
-------------------------

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Dilbert's Salary Theorem
-------------------------

Dilbert's Salary Theorem states that Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people. This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since: Knowledge = Power,
then Knowledge = Work/Time,
and Time = Money,
then Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity,
regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make. Bummer.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Restroom Talk
-------------------------

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't
know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just
fine.'

And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question. 'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be
polite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busy
right now!!!'

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall
who keeps answering all my questions.'

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Sex on the Sabbath
-------------------------

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Wisdom
-------------------------

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car.

After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Flies
-------------------------

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said—"Well yeah, if that's what they are—I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey… wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Cowboy purchase...
-------------------------

Cowboy: Give me 3 packets of condoms please.

Cashier: Do you need a paper bag with that sir?

Cowboy: Nah... She ain't that ugly.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Million Dollar Question
-------------------------

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the 32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend! Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ... her friend was, well .. blond. She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."

Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is ... absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you! ," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Heaven
-------------------------

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"

A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"

"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.

"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."

"Well, then, where are you?"

"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."

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