Sunday, August 31, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sunburn
-------------------------

A man was laying on his back and fell asleep on the beach under the
noon day sun. He suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the
hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started
to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor
prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes,
a mild sedative and Viagra.

Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in
that condition?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off of his legs."





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Saturday, August 30, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Five Horses Is Her Name
-------------------------

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She is called Five Horses".



The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife.What does it mean?"



The Old Indian answered,"It is an old Indian name. It means ...."



"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"












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Friday, August 29, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Bathtub Test
-------------------------

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the
criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.


"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."


"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
bed near the window?"





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Thursday, August 28, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Rules for Bank Robbers
-------------------------

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated
and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who
apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information
was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank,"
by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras,
76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bank
before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the
loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with
examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the
fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in
business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too
familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making
his getaway. She turned him in.

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan.
One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and
down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing
police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup
note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the
ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back
of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope
bearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford,
Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and
account number.

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to
hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he
showed them his "weapon."

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note
saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The
teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.

6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment
on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it
accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank
robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing
stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing
attention to themselves.

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who
took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up
to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered the
security men money.

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's
car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most
quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.

9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing
the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out,
not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and
Boston painfully discovered.

10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while
trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in
the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal
in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted.
He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for
example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank
holdups reported.





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Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Outhouse
-------------------------

Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin around when she hollars out... "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, " there ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is now git out there and fix it."

So... Pa mosies out to the outhouse, look's around and yell's back, " there ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!"

Pa yell's back "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!"

Ma says "ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, pa sticks his head in the hole and looks around and yells back,
"Ma there ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollars back, " now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, " Ma!
Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the Toilet seat!"

To which ma replies "Hurt's , don't it?!




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Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Too Hot
-------------------------

It's just too hot to wear clothes today,"
complained a man to his wife as he stepped
out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think
the neighbours would say if I mowed the lawn
like this?"

she replied. "Probably that I married you for
your money."




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Monday, August 25, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Traffic School
-------------------------

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.





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Sunday, August 24, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Confucius Proverbs
-------------------------

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have crappy time.






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Saturday, August 23, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Redneck Engineering
-------------------------

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"


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Friday, August 22, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Blonde's Year in Review
-------------------------

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit
into the typewriter.

March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months
because the box said "2-4 years."

April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into
those little packets.

June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake
with a slope.

July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition,
complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their
locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the
top was down.

September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."

October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1
hour per pound and she weighed 120.

December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any
of the phone buttons.




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Thursday, August 21, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Honest
-------------------------

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."



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Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Tired Dog
-------------------------

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"





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Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ponderisms
-------------------------

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?





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Monday, August 18, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Truck Stop
-------------------------

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"





She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"





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Saturday, August 16, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Insuring a Wooden Leg
-------------------------

A man and his wife, moved back home to North Carolina, from Texas. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it
in Texas Was $2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in North Carolina, they went to an insurance Agency, to see how much it would cost to insure
the leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here In North Carolina to insure, because it cost him
$2000.00 in Texas!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: *Any
wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.




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Friday, August 15, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Simple Logic
-------------------------

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

Not Bad.



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Thursday, August 14, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Fingers
-------------------------

A guy was packing for a business trip and his three year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her
fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in
his mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them
and then went back to packing.

He looked up again and his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her
fingers with a devastated look on her face.

He said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my boogie?





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Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Puns, For the Educated Mind
-------------------------

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.




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Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Day at the Races
-------------------------

One day George was betting on the ponies nearly losing his shirt, when
he noticed a priest who had stepped out onto the track and blessed the
forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold,
this horse (a very long shot) won the race.


George was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race.
Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th
race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of
the horses. George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet
on the horse. Again, though another long shot, the horse won.


George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse
the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed,
blessed a horse. George bet on it and won!


George was elated. As the day went on, the priest continued blessing
one of the horses and it always came in first. George began to pull in
some serious money and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were
going to come true. He made a quick stop at the bank and withdrew every
penny he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him
which horse to place the bet on.


True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the
last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the
horses. George placed his bet -- every cent he owned -- and watched the
horse come in last. George was dumbfounded!


He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded,
"What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The
last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings
thanks to you!"


The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you
Protestants."


"You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last
Rites."






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Monday, August 11, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Headache
-------------------------

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."

The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."

Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."

Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."

Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."

The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."

Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."

The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."

Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."

The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size
32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base
of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."








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Sunday, August 10, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Easy Computer Fix
-------------------------

I received this from a CEO that I worked with a few years back. He doesn't want to admit it but I think this is his true experience.

I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him
to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little sh*t





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Saturday, August 9, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Words of Wisdom
-------------------------

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was
dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her
comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she
refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift
the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount
into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her
lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more.
Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to
the last drop.


"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom
before you die".

She raised herself up in bed with a pious
look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow".






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Friday, August 8, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
College Rules
-------------------------

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"




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Thursday, August 7, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
You Know You're in Trouble When ..
-------------------------

Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.

You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.

They pay your wages out of petty cash.

You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

You tell the barber what you think about his prices before you get your haircut.

Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.

The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.

You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.

The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.

The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.

The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.




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Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
First Job
-------------------------

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day
of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a
smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to
sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied
indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."





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Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blood Lines
-------------------------

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was
telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the
compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too
much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French
blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What
do you say to that?"

The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."







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Monday, August 4, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Actual Newspaper Headlines
-------------------------

Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming

Prosecutors Want Victim in Courtroom During Murder Trial

Reason for More Bear Sightings: More Bears

Actor Sent to Jail for Not Finishing Sentence

Tiger Woods Play With Own Balls, Nike Says

Fireproof Clothing Factory Burns to Ground

Astronomers See Colorful Gas Clouds Bubble Out of Uranus

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Sex Offender Says Registering Will Hurt His Reputation

Psychics Predict World Didn't End Yesterday

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons

Jane Fonda to Teens: Use Head to Avoid Pregnancy

Specialist: Electric Chair Can Be "Extremely Painful"

Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden

Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-Free

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Man Tries Armed Robbery with Knife in Gun Store

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Statistics Show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25

Air Board to Study Fast Food Emissions

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing

State Prisons to Replace Easy Open Locks

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case


British Study Finds Less Traffic When Roads Close

Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide

Gators to Face Seminoles with Peters Out

Young Marines Make Tasty Christmas Treats

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One

Hirohito's Body Moved

Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

Complaints About NHL Referees Growing Ugly


Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Stud Tires Out

Air Head Fired

Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Men Recommend More Clubs for Wives






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Sunday, August 3, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Forrest Gump
-------------------------

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. P eter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February
2nd, March 2nd. . . ...."

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind..... but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Howard."

"Howard?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Howard as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all, " Forrest replied. "Don't you know the Our Father? Our father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name. . ."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."






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Saturday, August 2, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Pills
-------------------------

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he
hasn't been feeling well.

The doctor examines him, leaves the room and
comes back with three different bottles of
pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill
with a big glass of water when you get up.
Take the blue pill with a big glass of water
after lunch. Then just before going to bed,
take the red pill with another big glass of
water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the
man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my
problem?"

The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough
water."




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Friday, August 1, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st August, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st August, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Light Bulb
-------------------------

How many online forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy".

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a "FAQ".

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....




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