Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Noah in America
-------------------------

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -- but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.

"I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentaliststhat I needed the wood to save the owls -- but no go!

"When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property.

"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-poof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment.

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

"Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than 5 cubits..

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean You're not going to destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."


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Monday, November 29, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Switched Inputs
-------------------------


For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone,
and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into
the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our
computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and
started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She
called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed,
nothing would happen.

The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my
monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "Whaa??" the teacher blubbered.

Then I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got really upset. "I
didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep
from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000
went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.

Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my
chair laughing. After they had realised what I had done, they both
turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

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Sunday, November 28, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sisters of St. Francis
-------------------------

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he
notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on
without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which
says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for
real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the
drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone
building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is
answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may
we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along
the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son", the nun answers. "Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the
man, "Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit,
holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs,
"Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large
wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second
nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door,
pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he
finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small
sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER.


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-------------------------

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Saturday, November 27, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Who Says Men Arn't Sensitive
-------------------------

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up
leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet
cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way
along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge
enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,
especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to
him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!

She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's
clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of
passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the
afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for
you?"


The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

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-------------------------

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Friday, November 26, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Smart Johnny
-------------------------

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

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-------------------------

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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Outhouse
-------------------------

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....

"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells
back,

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,

"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies,...... "Hurt's, don't it ?!"


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-------------------------

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Monday, November 22, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ten Times
-------------------------


The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up,
angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell
my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the
question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big
trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up,
looked around nervously and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when
stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady,
I have three things to say: Number 1: You have a dirty mind; Number 2: You didn't read your homework;
and Number 3: One day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

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-------------------------

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Sunday, November 21, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Whale
-------------------------


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."


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-------------------------

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Saturday, November 20, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gynecology and Mechanics
-------------------------

A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school.

He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade.

"I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly," the teacher said, "50 points for putting it back together correctly -- and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler."

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-------------------------

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Friday, November 19, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Six Pack
-------------------------


Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife. Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"

"What?" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack?"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'" "'Widow?'" she said, "'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' " So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

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-------------------------

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Thursday, November 18, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Laws of the Natural Universe
-------------------------


Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with
grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the
least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get
a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat
tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works
every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you
know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is
cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly
sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to
the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know
what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they will stop making it.

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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Where is Harry?
-------------------------


A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into
pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under
a hugh buck.

"Where's Harry?", asked another hunter.

"He fainted a couple miles up the trail,"

Harry's partner answered. "You left him lying there alone and carried
the deer back?"

"It was a tough decision," said the hunter. "But I figured
no one is going to steal Harry."


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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Redneck Test
-------------------------


Two rednecks were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?"

The other replies, "He had a farm."

The first asks, "How do you spell it?"

To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."

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Monday, November 15, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cat Competition
-------------------------


Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an
Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist,
the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty
smart.


But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen
and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3
cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
"Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took
out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can
your cat do?" The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee
Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies,
drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed
he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe
working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the
rest of the day on sick leave.


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Saturday, November 13, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Travel Advisory
-------------------------


The Wisconsin State Dept of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters,
fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for
bears this summer.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a
bear.

People should be able to recognize the presence of bears in an area by
their droppings:

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berry residue and possibly
squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

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Friday, November 12, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
White Hair
-------------------------


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bumper Stickers
-------------------------


*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
*I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
*WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
*Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
*IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
*Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
*Hang up and drive.
*I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
*Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
*It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
*Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
*Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
*Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
*If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of car payments.
*I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.
*Never take life seriously.
*Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
*Never knock on Death's door: Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)
*I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
*You have the right to remain silent.
*Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
*You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
*The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
*Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
*If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
*The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
*Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
*Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
*CATS: The other white meat
*I'm an imbecile and I vote
*Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
*If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
*Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
*WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
*If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
*Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
*You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you!
*You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
*Grow your own dope, plant a man

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Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dallas Cowboys
-------------------------

The Texas Department of Safety is cracking down on speeders heading
into Dallas.
For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets.
If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.


Q.What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?

A..The Dallas Cowboys


Q.What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?

A.They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".


Q.How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?

A.Put up a goal post.


Q.What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?

A.Old

Q.What's the difference between the Dallas
Cowboys and a dollar bill?

A.You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q.How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?

A.Nobody remembers.


Q.What do the Cowboys and possums have in common?

A.Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!


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Sunday, November 7, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
An Act of Charity
-------------------------


A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and
was shocked to find her husband in bed with
a lovely young woman. Just as she was about
to storm out of the house, her husband called
out "Perhaps you should hear how all this
came about..."

"I was driving home on the highway when I saw
this young woman looking tired and bedraggled.
I brought her home and made her a meal from
the roast beef you had forgotten about in the
fridge.

She was bare-footed so I gave her your good
sandals which you had discarded because they
had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which
I bought for you for your birthday but you
never wore because the colour didn't suit you.

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of
your jeans, which were perfectly good, but
too small for you now.

Then just as she was about to leave, she
asked, 'Is there anything else your wife
doesn't use anymore ?


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Saturday, November 6, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Words for the Wise
-------------------------


1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!


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-------------------------

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Friday, November 5, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
My Mother Taught Me
-------------------------

My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home."

And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like!"


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Thursday, November 4, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Watermelons
-------------------------


There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"


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Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Onestone
-------------------------

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was Onestone. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?

You can't kill two birds with one stone!!


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Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Few Drinks
-------------------------

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.

Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

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Monday, November 1, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st November, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st November, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hospital Trolley
-------------------------

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's
laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over
her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the
operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside,
while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and
starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then
walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man
comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations.
When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows
impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated,
but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea.
We're just painting the corridor."


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-------------------------

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